Debra Basham

Living and Loving

Tag: Aaron

  • Ambiguous Loss

    Last week was a week with loss. Good Friday, the husband of a client/friend/colleague passed. Holy Saturday, the father of a business acquaintance passed. Easter Sunday, a loyal member of Saint Joseph Buddhist Sangha passed. A Buddhist teacher invited me to use the 49 day ceremony.

    49 Day Ceremony

    When someone passes away, in addition to a funeral service that usually occurs three or seven days after the death, we have a ceremony on the 49th day. Traditionally, the period of 49 days after someone dies is seen as a time for that person to check their consciousness and digest their karma. According to Buddhist teaching the bodhisattva Ji Jang Bosal helps the deceased during these 49 days to perceive their karma so when they return they are reborn to help this world, rather than continue in the cycle of birth and death. Buddhism teaches that there is a life in this body, then a time of investigation or consideration, and then a new life …

    Loss is such a raw part of human life.

    Listening to a TED talk by Nora McInerny, I was moved to laughter and to tears. McInerny is the author of The Hot Young Widows Club: Lessons on Survival from the Front Lines of Grief.

    McInerny said something members of our Grief Journey Group have said to one another over and over for over twenty years: We don’t move on from grief, we move forward with it.

    The next day, opening the May 2019 Guideposts, I see, ‘A Different Kind of Grief’ by B’ette Schalk. Schalk felt she lost her husband to anxiety and depression, writing, “Gone was the vibrant man I’d fallen in love with 24 years earlier, the man who liked going to parties and playing cards.” The article closes with a single page with 5 headings of great wisdom for caregivers: How to Cope With Ambiguous Loss.

      How to Cope With Ambiguous Loss

      Put a name to it.
      Use “both…and” thinking.
      Accept that good enough is enough.
      Manage your mixed emotions.
      Imagine new hopes and dreams.

    Ambiguous loss is what my friend is living as her husband is in a facility for those with Alzheimer’s disease.

    Ambiguous loss is felt by students afraid to be at school for fear of a mass shooting.

    Ambiguous loss is felt in the aging and staging of life.

    On the light side of 40, she recently shared with me she had read on a website about cancer that having cancer was like living with a loaded gun pointed at your head. You did not know when it would go off, but you knew it would.

    Ah, ambiguous loss….

    Whether it is our youth, our goals, our jobs, our homes, our health, our strength, our courage, or our loved ones, or our memories, we all navigate the waters of ambigious loss.

    The best way I can think to close this post is with this Deep Spring Center Thought for Today:

    “Your loved one is not dead, only he has left his human form. He is now expressing himself through you, through your growing open heart that can allow itself the experience of grief and allow that grief to become a catalyst for compassion. He is expressing himself through you in all the ways he spoke to you in your life, the joys and the sorrows. He is expressing himself through every human that he touched in this lifetime. And he is in the soil and the stars and the rain and the sun. You cannot lose him.” ~ Aaron

    Whatever has the nature to arise has the nature to cease and is not me nor mine.

  • Learn the Tables

    Recently I wrote a poem titled ‘Longing’ that was inspired by an exchange with a dear friend that left me feeling less than valued, wondering if I should have, or could have, done something differently in our past to allow for a more pleasant current exchange.

    Sitting heart-to-heart with another precious friend a week or so later, I was stunned to have her say to me, “You are more invested in saving my marriage than I am.”

    Later, as I was writing in my journal, some clarity came about all of this, inspired in part by the Thought for Today from Deep Spring Center.

    You as a world are inviting conflict but then not doing the needed practice with it, so you must invite it again and again. You are like the child in school doing endless multiplication table drills; they are unpleasant but you have not studied the tables, and will not, so the teacher repeats the drills. Your inattention calls forth the repetition. If you wish the drills to cease, learn the tables.
    ~ Aaron

    The “D” stands for Debra, and the “V” stands for the voice of wisdom I call Holy Spirit, from my journal entry:

    D: I know the truth that ‘wherever you go, there you are.’ If she is so easily offended because he yelled at her, she will encounter that energy again. It is today’s quotation from Aaron about calling difficulties to us over and over to learn what we need to know.

    V: If you had a lesson you are still learning that expresses itself in the ‘Longing’ poem, what might that lesson be?

    D: Take nothing personally. I am not responsible for another person’s emotional state.

    Note—As I wrote these words on to the journal page, I could feel something leaving my energy!

    V: What else?

    D: Wonderings are a symptom of not being present moment where I can gently say, “Oh, this is that old habit energy. I know you. Come, sit, have tea. I’ve been expecting you.” *

    V: Tell all who know. They all know. Love, Holy Spirit

    A very wonderful message on an Easter morning.

    Going right along with that, was the quotation, “When humanity awakens, it will move beyond time,” which came from the Brahma Kumaris with this image:

    *This is a reference to the stories of Milarepa (c. 1052 – c. 1135 CE), one of Tibet’s most famous yogis and poets.

  • Holy Notre-Dame

    WORD FOR THE DAY

    I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly,
    acutely miserable…but through it all
    I still know quite certainly that
    just to be alive is a grand thing.

    Agatha Christie
    Visit Gratefulness.org/

    This week’s news out of Paris was shocking, and of all times to have it be Holy Week for humanity to experience such a devastating loss of such history and magnificence and relevance and beauty. The Cathedral of Notre-Dame destroyed by fire.

    Reminding ourselves of impermanence at times like this, we could/should read all of my blog posts rolled into one message. The message essentially is Agatha Christie’s: Just to be alive is a grand thing.

    We might start with Does the tree still live in your heart? and Tree of Hope.

    Then move back to Hey, Ma Durga. The following quotation is from that:

    “My consciousness has never associated itself with this temporary body. Before I came in this earth, I was the same. As a little girl, I was the same. I grew into womanhood, but I was still the same. When the family In which I had been born made arrangements to have this body married, I was the same… And, in front of you now, I am the same. Ever afterward, though the dance of creation change around me in the hall of eternity, I shall be the same.”

    Nothing—NO THING—lasts forever. We know that, and yet we deal with loss as though it is some sort of personal punishment.

    Yes, it is loss. Yes, it is sad. Yes, it is difficult. Yes, it is painful.

    But we do not have to suffer.

    We suffer because of our subtle judgment, the way we tell the story in our own heart and mind. Today’s Thought for Today from Deep Spring Meditation Center explains that well.

    Deep Spring Center
    Thought for Today

    Subtle judgment is caught up in the story that contracts and says,
    ‘I’m not good at this’ or,
    ‘I should be able to do it better.’

    I might look at it and say,
    ‘I can do it better.’

    That’s not a judgment.

    I know I CAN do it better.

    Can you feel the difference?

    ‘I should be able to do it better.’ Tightness, tension.

    ‘I can do it better,’ is a relaxed and spacious perception.

    ~ Aaron

    I have been dealing with Comcast this week, updating router, cable box, and DVR. It took me five trips to the store, and many hours on the phone to finally get everything working. Right in the middle of all of that frustration (and I was feeling frustrated!), I knew nothing that was happening was eternal.

    Whatever is happening, watch the stories you tell yourself about what is happening.

    Make this a truly HOLY WEEK. Give up suffering….

  • Inter-Are

    I have been wondering about the distinction between self care and nurture (kindness and wisdom) and “distraction.” Might we be doing wholesome actions such as exercise or journal writing, or playing music, without being skillful?

    Additionally, I wrote to Barbara Brodsky, Founding Teacher of Deep Spring Meditation Center, asking about all of this. “We are encouraged to skillful practice of support practices, Metta, Tonglen, etc., that are a part of Buddhism. Might it also be appropriate to develop skillful support practices that come from outside of Buddhism? For example, Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT). Tapping on the meridians, while being present with difficult body or mind states, and saying skillful statements can support insight and release of painful karmic patterns. One does not try to avoid the emotion, one feels (touches) the emotion, then moves through a process of working with the emotion at the level of energy and awareness.”

    Barbara clarified that the primary distinction isn’t the specific practice but what truly has drawn the practice forth. Was the motivation genuine kindness or was fear present, thereby was the real desire to “fix” something?

    Barbara went on to say that all support practices from any tradition are helpful when motivated from a spacious and kind desire to attend, rather than from a contracted fearful need to fix.

    Barbara said the ‘Daily Quote’ from Aaron clarified the question perfectly.

    When we release some of the self-identity and separation, we come to feel our interconnection with everything. The tree dances with the wind not because the wind forces the tree but because the wind and tree literally inter-are. They share the same core of being. The wind is the tree; the tree is the wind. And so they dance together. You can dance with life in the same way. ~ Aaron

    Barbara’s summation was simply, “When our practice comes from that place of interconnection, we are attending with skillful support.”

    At the relative level we appear to be separate, but at the ultimate level, there is no separate self. You can understand that no wave is separate from the ocean. The wind and the tree and you and I dance with life. We inter-are….

  • Happy New You!

    Most people will be wishing you a happy new year today, but I am wishing all beings a happy new YOU.

    Attributing the saying that “Most folks are about as happy as they make their minds up to be” did not happen until 50 years after Abraham Lincoln’s death. Dr. Frank Crane included the saying, and the attribution, in a column about New Year’s resolutions in the Syracuse Herald. No evidence exists that Lincoln said it, but it is probably pretty true, whomever said it first.

    The most significant learnings of 2018 hover around mindfulness, nondual awareness, and intention. In September of 2018 I joined a two-year study intensive with Barbara Brodsky, Aaron, and John Orr: morning meditation, daily journal entry, and living from highest purpose.

    Previous posts have mentioned Rob Swartz, Rupert Spira, and Janet Conner. Perhaps you have already taken time with them, but I will include links again just in case today is the perfect day for letting their expanded awareness awaken our own.

    Rob Swartz “Buddha at the Gas Pump” interview.

    Rupert Spria “Buddha at the Gas Pump” interview.

    Janet Conner “Find Your Soul’s Purpose & Live a Life You Love!”Interview.

    This morning’s thought from the Brahma Kumaris says it well:

    The best solutions to problems will not be the result of hard thinking. Use your time better by creating peaceful thoughts, and problems will cease to affect you. Do not try to solve everything on your own. Leave some space for God to come and help you.

    Whatever your thoughts about “God” might be, whether you have a religious or spiritual practice, or perhaps just your sense of something greater than yourself, make 2019 the year you rely less on your own effort and leave some space for God to help you.

    For example, if you misplace your keys, rather than frantically searching, simply ask within. Affirm, “What is mine comes to me.” See what happens.

    When you are not feeling well—an ache or pain—something major or minor—rather than name the symptom or the diagnosis, or go into story about it, simply note “sensation…” Try it! This is a new year, and a new you.

    Notice old habit energy. A dear friend of mine has recently begun boating regularly after many years without a boat. I notice the habit energy to feel left out and jealous. Looking more closely, it is clear those are not my authentic experiences of her good fortune. I am truly thrilled for her. I am enthusiastic about her being able to renew a passion for boating. Her joy is my joy.

    2018 was also the year when the tree in our yard came down. The most significant question around that was when Barbara Brodsky asked, “Who dies? What dies? Does the tree still live in your heart?” (See: Does the Tree Still Live in Your Heart?”

    What year ends? What year begins? Who is the old you? Who is the new you? Does the real you still live in your heart?

  • Do You Know Who Your Master Is?

    Our daughter was sharing a precious “aha moment” she had recently. She works in an industry which has it’s peak adjacent to retail sales— during the months of November and December. As many who are responsible for hiring entry level workers, she has struggled to get reliable help. That has been a HUGE frustration to her, robbing her of the joy of the rest of her job. She experienced an emotional overload, had a crying time, and then an insight. Related to her responsibilities, she became aware of feeling pulled between her plant manager who was screaming for help, a co-owner who wanted to keep payroll down, and the publishers who wanted timely deliveries…. just to name a few.

    Awareness is key. Her awareness included a sentence spoken within herself that became her ticket to freedom a few days later, “I don’t know who my master is.”

    Deep Spring Center Thought for Today

    ‘You’re on a boat,’ he said. ‘The boat is riding too low on the water and there are waves. You’ve got to toss one person out. In the boat are a loved one, a person about whom you feel neutral, a person who is a difficult person, and yourself. You’re the one to decide: which one are you going to cast into the water?’

    She thought about it awhile and said, ‘There are no grounds for decision.’

    He just smiled and bowed and indicated that the interview was over.

    ‘Did I get it right?’ she wondered.

    But of course, when you get to that place where you understand your interrelationship with all beings, there are no grounds for decision. You cannot cast yourself into the shark-infested sea to save others nor can you throw others in to save yourself.

    ~ Aaron

    There are no grounds for decision.

    Like the people on the boat, every one of those needs my daughter was feeling torn between had value, but not ONE of them was more or less important than the others.

    A few days after her breakdown, she had a breakthrough. This is the insight that set her free:

    “I do know who my master is. I serve God. The plant manager is not my master. The co-owner is not my master. The publisher is not my master. My master wants me to experience peace, and joy, and to do what I can do to serve/help.”

    An aside: if you do not automatically receive the Beyond Mastery Newsletter, or if you currently receive only one email message with links to the newsletter included (rather than the email message with the links plus the individual post/s), then you will want to sign up now to receive all posts automatically. The January edition will come out at the end of this month, and it may just rock your boat. Here is the link: Sign Up Now for Beyond Mastery.

    The outer circumstances at work have not changed. She did not magically have adequate, dedicated, reliable hires. She was able to have a heart-to-heart with her plant manager, and with the company president about having recognized her real master. Theirs is a Christian organization. The name they use is God. The miracle in her life happened because she listened to God, she heard that voice within. When we listen, we have to take action. The action she took was to let herself be transformed from within.

    Included in my January article will be an invitation for others to join an online group based on the book Writing Down Your Soul: How to Activate and Listen to the Extraordinary Voice Within, by Janet Conner.

    You will know if you are ready.

  • 5 Reflections

    “A friend is someone
    who knows the song in your heart
    and can sing it back to you
    when you have forgotten the words.”
    ~ C.S. Lewis.

    Those words were shared by me at the end of a tearful conversation with a dear friend. My friend was remorseful for having offended a family member. The situation is complicated because the person who had been upset is a sister-in-law, currently separated from my friend’s brother.

    So many conversations of late lead my heart back again and again to the great Buddhist prayer, “May all beings come to the end of suffering. May all beings find peace.”

    But peace is not found in a future filled with smooth sailing into the sunset. The end of suffering comes in not expecting life to be something other than what it is, and in knowing the truth that we are skilled enough to sit in the fire of our own or another person’s strong emotions.

    At Oakwood retreat in October, John Orr wrote the 5 Reflections on the flip chart in the dining room.

    When the phone call came through I was attending my online class with Aaron. I turned off my camera, took the call, feeling space for my friend, for myself, for all who are navigating rough emotional waters right now.

    I hung up and logged back on to catch the end of the class. While I did not catch the entire exchange, I heard enough to know that the question was about what to do when you might have done harm to another. “You can forgive yourself for whatever was said or done that may or may not have created harm. You can resolve not to repeat such words or actions in the future, and then fully forgiving yourself. And now look at others who have done similar to you and fully forgive them. It is finished.”

    I sent that brief clip to my friend, then left a voice message.

    After listening to the clip, I got a call back. We talked a bit more, and as we were hanging up, I shared the C.S. Lewis quote. I felt a small laugh from both of us.

    Peace would come.

    Peace does come.

    We have learned to make peace so conditional, but the peace that passes understanding is anything but conditional.

    In a previous post, “If and When,” I mentioned Rupert Spira’s book, The Art of Peace and Happiness. He has an entire chapter titled “Our Essential Being is Peace Itself.”

    Earlier tonight I had been suggesting another friend do some tapping (EFT) on the Universal Psychological Reversals to clear habit energies that are difficult.

    Universal Psychological Reversals

    I deeply and completely accept myself even with all my problems and
    limitations.

    I deeply and completely accept myself even if I want to keep this problem.

    I deeply and completely accept myself even if I will continue to have this
    problem.

    I deeply and completely accept myself even if I don’t deserve to get over this
    problem.

    I deeply and completely accept myself even if it isn’t safe for me to get over
    this problem.

    I deeply and completely accept myself even if I will not do what is necessary to
    get over this problem.

    I deeply and completely accept myself even if getting over this problem will
    not be good for me.

    I deeply and completely accept myself even if getting over this problem will
    not be good for others in my life.

    I deeply and completely accept myself even if I have a unique block to getting
    over my problem.

    I deeply and completely accept myself even if I have a fear about how my life
    will change if I get over this problem.

    “We all know that peaceful states of the mind, body and world do not last and do not deliver the depth of peace that we truly desire. Only the peace that is inherent in our true nature can put an end to the longing that initiates and sustains so many of our activities and relationships.” ~ Rupert Spira, The Art of Peace and Happiness

  • Tree of Hope

    Right after posting this blog, I was gifted a box of blank cards titled “Tree of Hope.”
    I am posting again, with the new title and with the front of the card now included.

    Deep Spring Center
    Thought for Today

    “If you wish to live in (a certain city)
    what might block you from manifesting that move?
    Is there any question about your worthiness
    to live in a place that is most delightful to you?
    Any question about fear of getting what you want?
    The question here is not where you will live
    but how will you manifest the situation you seek,
    and that must be asked by,
    What blocks that manifestation?’
    Because when the blockage is gone
    then it can be allowed to manifest.”
    ~ Aaron

    Last week our big tree was removed. I have been sitting with the question Barbara Brodsky asked me about whether the tree still lives in my heart. (See my previous blog, “Does the tree still live in your heart?“) It took a few days to honor the intense sadness, but a couple of times I could see the empty space in the yard. I was able to feel an open space in my chest and abdomen. I was reminded of the way organs and limbs that have been removed remain energetically present. I also thought of all of the loved ones in spirit whom we feel and experience as here with us after the physical form is gone. My prayer became to allow my majestic tree to live in my heart.

    Monday afternoon our park owner stopped by our house because our water meter was needing some repair. After the repairs were made, I mentioned the removal of our tree. I told him how sad I had been over the removal. “I am not trying to get anyone in trouble, but you need to know that the tree workers told me they found no rot.”

    We walked out back together and stood together in the opening under the sun where the tree’s branches used to wave.

    “I am sorry,” he said, “I would have sworn this tree had rot in the crotch and was infested by ants.”

    Looking into his face, I shook my head, and repeated, “The workers told me they found no rot.”

    I felt the spirit of the tree bolster my heart as I continued, “This park is your business, but it is also our home. We need to be able to have open communication and to trust and respect one another.”

    “I could not agree more,” he replied. My heart felt his sincerity. It was as though the magnificent old tree was smiling at us. He, too, genuinely felt the loss. Maybe not his own loss, but definitely mine. He said he is still planning to remove other trees.

    “Is there something I could have done differently?” I ventured.

    “I have learned the importance of not dismissing a communication,” he said as we parted ways.

    I trust the old tree will continue communicating. I wish to live in a world where magnificent old trees and property managers recognize their value and contribution to our planet. I wish to live in a world where men listen to women and women forgive men when they don’t.

    It still remains what will become of the potential of the space here in our yard. A gazebo? A flowering tree? A small labyrinth? A fire pit?

    When we stop fighting with what is, we begin to see the infinite possibilities.

  • Infinite Possibilities

    Deep Spring Center
    Thought for Today

    “If you wish to live in (a certain city)
    what might block you from manifesting that move?
    Is there any question about your worthiness
    to live in a place that is most delightful to you?
    Any question about fear of getting what you want?
    The question here is not where you will live
    but how will you manifest the situation you seek,
    and that must be asked by,
    What blocks that manifestation?’
    Because when the blockage is gone
    then it can be allowed to manifest.”
    ~ Aaron

    Last week our big tree was removed. I have been sitting with the question Barbara Brodsky asked me about whether the tree still lives in my heart. (See my previous blog, “Does the tree still live in your heart?“) It took a few days to honor the intense sadness, but a couple of times I could see the empty space in the yard. I was able to feel an open space in my chest and abdomen. I was reminded of the way organs and limbs that have been removed remain energetically present. I also thought of all of the loved ones in spirit whom we feel and experience as here with us after the physical form is gone. My prayer became to allow my majestic tree to live in my heart.

    Monday afternoon our park owner stopped by our house because our water meter was needing some repair. After the repairs were made, I mentioned the removal of our tree. I told him how sad I had been over the removal. “I am not trying to get anyone in trouble, but you need to know that the tree workers told me they found no rot.”

    We walked out back together and stood together in the opening under the sun where the tree’s branches used to wave.

    “I am sorry,” he said, “I would have sworn this tree had rot in the crotch and was infested by ants.”

    Looking into his face, I shook my head, and repeated, “The workers told me they found no rot.”

    I felt the spirit of the tree bolster my heart as I continued, “This park is your business, but it is also our home. We need to be able to have open communication and to trust and respect one another.”

    “I could not agree more,” he replied. My heart felt his sincerity. It was as though the magnificent old tree was smiling at us. He, too, genuinely felt the loss. Maybe not his own loss, but definitely mine. He said he is still planning to remove other trees.

    “Is there something I could have done differently?” I ventured.

    “I have learned the importance of not dismissing a communication,” he said as we parted ways.

    I trust the old tree will continue communicating. I wish to live in a world where magnificent old trees and property managers recognize their value and contribution to our planet. I wish to live in a world where men listen to women and women forgive men when they don’t.

    It still remains what will become of the potential of the space here in our yard. A gazebo? A flowering tree? A small labyrinth? A fire pit?

    When we stop fighting with what is, we begin to see the infinite possibilities.

  • Does the tree still live in your heart?

    An alternate title for this post could be: Fleas Have Not Yet Flown.

    Checking in with our small group on the Dharma Path (a two-year course with Barbara Brodsky, Aaron, and John Orr) on Tuesday evening, I shared feeling very sad about the removal of a beautiful, big, old (about 60 years), tree that was cut down that day. It might have been easier if the tree had been obviously weak. It might have been easier if I had made the decision instead of having it be made by the owner/manager of the property where we live in our tiny house now. And it might have been easier if it had not been our ONLY tree in our yard, leaving us at the mercy of the blazing summer sun.

    I told Barbara how unskillful I felt, not being able to feel the everlasting peace as well as the sadness. She said kindly, “Who dies? What dies? Does the tree still live in your heart?”

    I choked back tears, no longer just for the beautiful old tree, but now for the human who was having difficulty keeping my heart open.

    Yesterday morning when I arrived at Joel’s, it was obvious the fleas had not yet flown. (See Fleas!)

    When I pulled the chair out to have lunch, I saw a live flea on it, and twice during lunch a flea crawled on to my ankle and bit me as I ate my salad. Instead of my normal nap on the massage table, I placed a light-colored bed sheet on my lap, sat on the futon downstairs, and inspected McGee. She is the one with very light-colored fur, so easiest to see fleas. She innocently welcomed my search, experiencing it simply as loving attention. I found several live fleas still on her sweet body, and lots of dried blood and flea-body parts. When I went downstairs for bed, McGee came to bed with me (her usual delight at having an overnight companion on the lower level). While reading, I chased down one live flea on her forehead. She obviously was not loving me any less because of the fleas. I was doing my best to stay open to her precious presence.

    This morning as I entered the kitchen, I saw two fleas jumping on the tile floor. I found half dozen or so on the slippers I was wearing. Joel sprayed the herbal product he has been using on the kitchen floor, and I stood at the counter to eat my fruit bowl.

    Let me be perfectly clear—this is not about fleas. This is about my heart. More importantly, it is about the truth that as the day progressed, it became more and more difficult for me to keep my heart open.

    I can see clearly how the difficulties with the fleas is helping me see, accept, and love my human self.

    Barbara continued, “On the mundane level (relative reality), the open heart is where we remember that on the supramundane level (ultimate reality), there has never been anything to heal. Able to just say, ‘Fleas, fear, sadness…. ahhhhh…. I no longer have need to manifest this. I do not choose to embrace this as a reality.’”

    It might have been helpful to have read today’s Daily Word early this morning rather than when I got home.

    The key word is “Centered.” I am being pulled off-center by my belief Joel should be doing something else (taking the cats out of the house and having the house treated), and by my aversion to the flea experience. Fear of bringing fleas home to my house enters in also. Feeling hopeless, helpless (it is hard enough to get myself to do what I want, much less Joel), and totally not centered.

    I do prefer feeling centered, and in those times when it is difficult to do so, I can choose to remember my highest purpose is to love.

    Debra, in Egyptian, means she who brings the sublime light of the creator.

    And when the light is bright, you can see the fleas!