Debra Basham

Living and Loving

Tag: SCS Matters

  • For You First

    I am not sure who the spiritual teacher was that first told me whatever message you receive for another, realize the message is for you first. That message or lesson or truth also applies to the other, but it is for YOU. Perhaps it was something learned in Ryan Elliott’s L-O-N-G intake form for hypnotherapy. I do recall hearing it from Angel Gail Konz. This morning I had opportunity to remember it again!

    “Don’t we all want to be needed?” It was a rhetorical question via text. A follow-up to a our earlier conversation.

    “Maybe not,” I wrote back. I could instantly see it related to Sunday’s sermon coming up. I recall how clear I was that this week’s talk was to be new: I was not to give the one I had recently shared in another church. “Let’s talk after dinner,” I responded before sending her this:

    The Recovering Hero Proclamation

    I have no need to save others.
    I have no need to rescue others.
    I have no need to outshine anyone.
    I have no need to out-think, out-perform,
    out-produce anyone – including myself.
    I do not need to know anything.
    I do not need to be an expert.
    I do not need to fix anyone, or any change anything.
    I do not need to dazzle, impress, or inspire anyone.
    I do not need to be the hero of my own story.
    In truth, I am organic, evolving, and fallible.
    I allow things to unfold naturally, and I trust the flow.
    I joyfully accept and experience my humanity.
    I need nothing.
    All already is.
    Blessed be.

    ~Aaliyah LivingWell
    aka Gina Dawn Gavaris
    GeneratingLove@aol.com
    www.GeneratingSolutions.org

    I kept working on the sermon, adding this teaching from Aaron:

    A more wholesome attitude might be rather that an initial ego intention, ‘I’m going to save the world,’ we start with the loving intention to see how we can dance with others and with the Earth and with spirit to co-create deeper peace and well-being for all sentient beings. We invite ourselves to be open and listen, to be guided, rather than having the ego dictate, ‘No, it should be this way.’ When you do this you find there truly are no limitations.

    I looked again at the original writings on the Drama Triangle and added this to the sermon notes:

    In 1968 Stephen Karmpan wrote an article about the Drama Triangle. On this triangle are three interconnected roles: Victim, Rescuer, Persecutor.

    A Rescuer often gains great satisfaction by identifying with their care-taking role. They are generally proud of what “helpers” and “fixers” they are. Often they are socially acclaimed, even rewarded, for what can be seen as “selfless acts” of caring. They believe in their goodness as chief caretakers and see themselves as heroes.

    Behind it all is a magical belief that, said out loud, might sound like, “If I take care of them long enough, then, sooner or later, they will take care of me too.” But, as we’ve already learned, this rarely happens. When we rescue the needy, we can’t expect anything back. They can’t even take care of themselves – much less be there for us!

    This morning, an extended time in meditation allowed me to bring to mind the opening line I had keyed in for the sermon: People want to be helpful, to be useful. We have ways of being helpful and useful that are more wholesome than others.

    F!A$#

    Something clicked and I could see how hard I had been pushing her to experience something other than what she was experiencing. I had been doing the same thing I was trying to get her to stop doing.

    Forgive me, Dear One.

    When others seem to me to be in internal conflict or when conditions are difficult or “others” are caught in effort rather than trust, I am being lovingly invited to totally trust God in all of life. As I remember that grace moves through all of our days I am able to relax and breathe and let go.

  • White Doves

    Sacred Stories

    She was trying desperately to get to see her grandmother before she passed. On the highway she drove into a flock of white doves. She felt profound peace and she had the thought that her grandmother had passed.

    And she had….

    These are sacred stories. Pay attention to happenings in your life. Do you have a story to share? Send email to debra@scs-matters.com.

  • Guitar

    Sacred Stories

    Her dad loved playing the guitar and he had always encouraged her to learn to play. She was not at all drawn to it.

    When her dad passed, he left the guitar to her.

    A few months later, she felt compelled to pick the guitar up. She felt so close to her dad. She began taking lessons.

    Every time she plays the guitar she feels her dad’s loving presence!

    When we enjoy things our loved ones in spirit enjoy, we are all blessed….

    These are sacred stories. Pay attention to happenings in your life. Do you have a story to share? Send email to debra@scs-matters.com.

  • A WonderFULL Week

    It has been a truly amazing week. Put yourself in the backseat of my vehicle last Friday as I left Saint Joseph before dawn, and drove to Holland to pick up my nephew. We then drove to Allegan, from Allegan to Grand Rapids, from Grand Rapids back to Holland, from Holland back to Allegan, and then I drove back to Saint Joseph. I was reminded of how we would go for walks in the neighborhood with grandson Bradley when he was little. We made everything an adventure. We were not just walking, we were celebrating life.

    Last Friday, my nephew and I were not just driving, we were sharing moments and making memories.

    I have been thinking a lot about the gifts we get when we give.

    I have also been thinking about the gift of our vulnerability.

    My nephew and I ate apples. “Honeycrisp are my favorite,” he cooed.

    We munched on almonds. “Oh, I love almonds,” he announced.

    We crunched Chinese cracker/cookies and he compared them to the texture of pork rinds. “Do you like pork rinds?” he asked.

    If you have never seen it, you may want to watch Brené Brown’s TED talk “The Power of Vulnerability.” Here are some of her words:

    There was only one variable that separated the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging and the people who really struggle for it. And that was, the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging believe they’re worthy of love and belonging. That’s it. They believe they’re worthy. And to me, the hard part of the one thing that keeps us out of connection is our fear that we’re not worthy of connection, was something that, personally and professionally, I felt like I needed to understand better. So what I did is I took all of the interviews where I saw worthiness, where I saw people living that way, and just looked at those.

    They fully embraced vulnerability. They believed that what made them vulnerable made them beautiful. They didn’t talk about vulnerability being comfortable, nor did they really talk about it being excruciating — as I had heard it earlier in the shame interviewing. They just talked about it being necessary. They talked about the willingness to say, “I love you” first … the willingness to do something where there are no guarantees … the willingness to breathe through waiting for the doctor to call after your mammogram. They’re willing to invest in a relationship that may or may not work out. They thought this was fundamental.

    We were so long at the Secretary of State we were late for his doctor appointment, and while we were not successful obtaining his license at that time he has it now! We knew we were going to be late, so we called. When we got there I explained everything we had been through that day to get to the doctor and why my nephew really needed to be seen that day. I also told them I know how difficult it is when someone is not able to be on time. I asked them to please do what you could.

    As we waited, we watched a baby.

    We were late for that, too, but after my nephew saw the doctor we made it to his job interview! He is still in the running for that job, and we are grateful and also for a couple of other solid opportunities.

    We finally got lunch at 5:05 pm. I know exactly what time it was because we missed happy hour at Arby’s by five minutes. I splurged for a Jamocha Shake anyway. As we ate, we marveled at all we accomplished that day and how much fun we had together.

    Brown observed another significant aspect of those who were willing to be vulnerability:

    And so these folks had, very simply, the courage to be imperfect. They had the compassion to be kind to themselves first and then to others, because, as it turns out, we can’t practice compassion with other people if we can’t treat ourselves kindly. And the last was they had connection, and — this was the hard part — as a result of authenticity, they were willing to let go of who they thought they should be in order to be who they were, which you have to absolutely do that for connection.

    Tomorrow morning I will go back to Allegan. I will take gifts of bedding and towels and dishes and a coffee pot. People have been generous and we are thankful. We might again go to Holland, I don’t know for sure yet. Where ever we go, it will be an adventure.

    This evening my nephew said, “I don’t know how I can ever repay you.”

    I told him repayment for kindness is never necessary. I suggested he just hold his gratitude in his body and say, “I am so grateful I can feel my heart full to overflowing.”

    I know just how he feels.

  • May 20

    Sacred Stories

    It was not the one they thought they wanted, but she called the number on the “For Sale” sign in the front window as her husband walked around the outside of the manufactured home. The man who answered the phone said he could be there in about ten minutes.

    “This was my mom’s home. She passed and I am here from California needing to sell it,” he told them.

    “My mother-in-law passed a year and a half ago, so we understand how hard that is. When did your mom pass?” she asked him.

    “My mom passed on May 20th,” he answered.

    “My mom passed on May 20th, 2003,” she shared.

    “My mom’s funeral was on May 23rd,” he continued.

    “My mom’s funeral was on May 23rd!” she blurted out.

    Walking in the front door, they loved the home immediately. Giving him verbal agreement to purchase the home she left with a copy of the paperwork detailing the original purchase of the home. Looking it over later that evening she noticed the purchase date: May 20!

    You can imagine these two mothers were working in spirit to bring things together around this home for their children.

    These are sacred stories. Pay attention to happenings in your life. Do you have a story to share? Send email to debra@scs-matters.com.

  • Google Maps and 70×7

    Tears were right on the surface for me today.

    “I know where I was 51 years ago today! Happy birthday to our sweetest darling,” I sent email to our daughter.

    “Thanks for keeping me!!!!!” she responded.

    I quickly wrote back:

    That made me cry….

    You were not a planned pregnancy, but you were a totally wanted baby. We were madly in love with each other and madly in love with you.

    You are the joy of our lives.

    And a truly remarkable (and HOT) woman.

    And an amazing mom.

    And an inspiration.

    These are just a few of the things that are true about your magnificence!

    She also quickly wrote back: “LOL – now we are both crying! Well, being loved so much, unconditionally, your unending support, and your amazing example is how I am the woman I am today. How could I be anything but remarkable, hot, amazing, inspirational and magnificent when I come from parents that are remarkable, hot, amazing, inspirational and magnificent!!! I love you both so very much!!!!!”

    My day did not go as I had expected. I did not get out for a bike ride and I did not make it to Sangha or to see the film “Rooted in Peace.” Instead, I drove my nephew (out on parole just 32 days) to a Men’s Mission in another county.

    On the drive emotions were tense. We did not know if the Mission would accept him because he had no proof that he had been a county resident for at least 30 days. Calls to his parole officer; calls to the Mission; more calls to the parole officer; and even more calls to the Mission.

    Google Maps first delivered us to the women’s shelter. They gave us the address for the Men’s Mission.

    Then Google Maps took us to a senior facility. Explaining that we were trying to find the Men’s Mission, a woman with kind eyes and a soft voice said, “I don’t know how the GPS got you here, we are not even on River Street, we are on State Street.”

    Another woman—a colleague of some sort—stopped and got a map for us and gave us directions to the Mission. Then the two of them brainstormed other possible resources, the one woman taking time by providing addresses and phone numbers.

    Someone at 70×7 Life Recovery answered the phone, made a call to the Men’s Mission, and got my nephew into the Mission for the night!

    Every moment men and women all around the planet face overwhelming odds to put their lives back together. Certainly families in Las Vegas will be doing that following the mass shooting. Those who have lost their homes and businesses in the recent hurricanes will be doing that. Mothers whose children and wives whose husbands have recently passed will be doing that.

    “You are just in time for dinner,” my nephew was told upon arrival at the Mission. We declined a sincere offer for us to join them for dinner, needing to get back home.

    Leaving my nephew at the Mission, we drove again in search of some “cabins” that rent for a weekly amount. His parole officer had told him about them and we had missed the dirt road when we looked for the earlier. This time we spotted the row of mail boxes. A thin, fragile, woman stood in front of them, with extremely poor dental hygiene, but she was willing to answer our questions. “Are you a resident here? Is this the place that rents by the week? Do you know if there are any vacancies? Do you have a stove and a fridge? A bed? (She said you have to furnish your own bed.) Do you know the number we can call?” She did not know the number.

    I spotted a sign with the number to call about rentals at the end of the drive on the side of the building. “We can pull in and get the number,” I told her.

    “I can give the number to you. I can see it from here.” She read the number to me, making sure I had written it down correctly.

    Today was a day with thoughts of resilience. I found these words online:
    Resilience is that ineffable quality that allows some people to be knocked down by life and come back stronger than ever. Rather than letting failure overcome them and drain their resolve, they find a way to rise from the ashes. Psychologists have identified some of the factors that make someone resilient, among them a positive attitude, optimism, the ability to regulate emotions, and the ability to see failure as a form of helpful feedback. Even after misfortune, resilient people are blessed with such an outlook that they are able to change course and soldier on.

    That ability to regulate our emotions is a very big deal. I choked back tears as I thanked the woman with almost no teeth but very good vision and we slowly drove through allowing me to take a couple of photos of the modest cabins. I don’t know if my nephew will live there. Thinking about that possibility seems at once both tragic and triumphant.

    I wonder what someone could do with that amazing vision. Perhaps she could read to the blind.

    Profound gratitude for those who make a place for men and women who find themselves homeless washed over and over me.

    I told my nephew perhaps he will come to work at a Mission someday.

    For sure, today, we had much to be thankful for. Even Google Maps sending us somewhere other than where we thought we were headed so we could end up getting there….

    WE HELP OTHERS OVERCOME
    One Story. One Relationship. One Day at a Time.
    70×7 Life Recovery provides the tools to assist those in the addiction recovery process. If you are re-entering society from a life of incarceration – you are recovering your life — you are starting over. If you are looking for a place to find freedom from drugs, alcohol and other addictive habits — you are starting over. 70×7 Life Recovery works with individuals in letting go of the prison or addict mentality.

    Our Mission is to restore Dignity, Purpose and Hope to a recovery community one Relationship at a time.

  • Electric Heater

    Sacred Stories
    A woman and her husband and 1 year-old daughter were refugees. They had escaped Communist Poland and had made it to Germany but were living in one classroom in a condemned school. There was electricity but no running water or toilet or heat. They had only a thin mattress pad on the floor.

    One night the frost was two inches thick on the inside of the window from their breath. The woman was too cold to sleep and told her husband better they go back to Poland where they may or may not be killed than to die living like that.

    He put on his coat and left the room. She assumed he had left to get away from her nagging when he was also feeling so helpless.

    Moments later, he returned with an electric space heater. He told her he had left because he had received a message to go out and look in the trash on the curb. That is where he had found the heater.

    They plugged the heater in and worked. They had heat the rest of the winter!

    Today they are very successful living in the U.S. in a 3,500 square foot home – but they remember this evidence that our needs can be met in extraordinary ways.

    These are sacred stories. Pay attention to happenings in your life. Do you have a story to share? Send email to debra@scs-matters.com.

  • Divine Connections


    Today, I will stop straining to know what I don’t know.
    To see what I can’t see.
    To understand what I don’t yet understand.
    I will trust that being is sufficient,
    And I will let go of my need to figure things out.

    The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie

    My heart and mind is so full my fingers must dance around the keyboard so I can sit in my skin. Sometimes you see life’s unfolding right before your eyes as has been my experience in spades the past couple of days.

    I had been invited to join a friend in Sunday’s Apple Cider Century bike ride. We have done it together before and had a great time but it was forecast to be very hot for September in Michigan. I thought that was why I was iffy about whether I was to go.

    Saturday evening I got word about a close friend who was in the hospital in another city following back surgery. She had been doing quite well but ended up having back spasms that they could not mitigate. “This would be a good time for a visit,” was the text message from her fiancé. She was experiencing inconsolable pain when I arrived. This is the same friend who was my advocate and healer when I had surgery in November 2012. It was an honor and a horror to be there with her. And I was not alone.

    Our now mutual friend met me there at the hospital. It was Doris who introduced me to Healing Touch back in the nineties. I choked back the emotion as I began doing the work. What a sacred circle of love we are….

    Thankfully, a whiff of relief came from the combination of medical intervention, energy healing, and grace. Several hours later, she was settled back in bed, her fiancé was with her, so I headed home. Another text from him popped in as I was driving, “She is sleeping soundly now.”

    Before going to bed I sent a my friend a text message saying I was just now home and so I would not be joining her on the bike ride the next morning.

    Sunday morning at 9 am I received a text message from my sister in Texas asking if this was a good time for her to call me. I have not spoken to her in decades…. I told her it was a perfect time for her to call. She was sharing a health situation she has been navigating because it might have an impact on my sister and me and our daughters. She had undergone surgery about 8 weeks ago. Is it a coincidence about that same time I was feeling the need to go to Texas to see her?

    We talked for an hour. It felt like no time had passed. In our heartfelt sharing the chasm of religiosity that had been a greater distance between us than the miles from Michigan to Texas dissipated like a bubble when it pops.

    If I had been on the bike ride I would not have been available for that call.

    After we hung up I sent her this photo that is hanging on my wall here in the tiny house.

    Divine connections revealing themselves….

  • Pauline Court

    Sacred Stories

    She had kept the interfaith menorah with the tall glass oil lamps in her basement for 12 years. Made especially for them by a Carmelite nun, it was a very powerful presence for their interfaith fellowship but the center where their group met had closed in 2005. Downsizing her home now there was no place to store it. She was so relieved Interfaith Center for Spiritual Growth, located several hours drive away in Ann Arbor, had spoken of wanting one and would be glad to have it!

    “Let’s be open to an easy way of getting it safely to you,” she said to the director of the center.

    The following week a friend from Florida was visiting. Chatting about his schedule, he said he would be going to Ann Arbor.

    “I have an interfaith menorah I need to get to Ann Arbor.” He was willing to take it so they began exploring what made sense about him dropping it off or having someone pick it up she asked him the address where he would be staying.

    “My cousin lives on Pauline Court,” he said.

    She made a call to the director of the center and was told a member of the interfaith group lived on Pauline Court and could easily pick the menorah up.

    Her friend was very amazed at the ease of delivery and he mused, “What are the odds? Pauline Court is just a short little street….”

    These are sacred stories. Pay attention to happenings in your life. Do you have a story to share? Send email to debra@scs-matters.com.