Debra Basham

Living and Loving

Tag: SCS Matters

  • Ambiguous Gain

    My sister and I are having a wonderful experience with the Magic Eye calendar for 2020.



    We meet via a video call on the first day of each month and we turn the page together. We love the sharing: looking; not seeing; relaxing; looking again; seeing. That is how the process works!

    September was a very challenging image to see. We both had to make at least a half-dozen attempts.

    Relaxing is key.

    Our collective exhilaration when we finally see is palpable.

    My writing time with Southern Circle Poets began with someone’s post about “Ambiguous Loss” that I had re-posted on Facebook:

    Someone once said when you love someone with dementia you lose them more and more everyday: when they are diagnosed, when they go through different stages, when they go into care and when they die.

    This is called “Ambiguous Loss.”

    ‘Rapidly shrinking brain’ is how doctors described it.

    I wouldn’t wish Dementia on anyone. As the persons brain slowly dies, they change physically and eventually forget who their loved ones are. They can eventually become bedridden, unable to move and unable to eat or drink.

    There will be people who will scroll by this message because dementia has not touched them. They may not know what it’s like to have a loved one who has fought or is fighting a battle against Dementia.

    My friend, Claudia, knows this experience well, as does Katey, one of the Southern Circle Poets.

    I wrote:

      I cannot expect you to understand what it feels like to see someone struggle with tasks that once were as easy as breathing. To hear a loved-one say or ask the same comment or question over and over again.

      And to know the truth, “I cannot fix this.”

      Being present with my own inner struggles with wanting it to be fixed is the best I can do.

      I begin a poem:

      You Once Were

      You once were so skillful; and willful.
      You once were so strong.

      The writing doesn’t go anywhere from there, so I begin again…

      Ambiguous Loss

      I wonder when I first recognized you were losing precious skills we had both taken for granted. Like scales falling off the catch-of-the-day, your identity seems to be hell-bent on shedding strengths.

      Crossing the street as the afternoon sunlight was casting shadows, I saw autumn trees on the face of the glistening parking lot still damp from a brief shower. This the first time I had accepted it was me cautioning you to watch your step. Red, yellow, orange and gold…. green now sleeping soundly somewhere.

      I cannot see your world from here.

      Permission granted to enjoy the hint of fall as the breeze blows in from the window behind me, almost cool enough to cause a chill.

      Permission granted to witness the tightness moving mechanically across my chest as I wonder what your future will unfold to.

      Permission granted to be content with both the not knowing and the wanting to know and the soft, sensuous dance between seeming opposites.

      Memory drifts back to delivering my mom to the adult foster care home. Grief at leaving her there as she looks into my face calling me Debbie, and pleads, “Don’t leave me with these strangers….” and the guilt at being my relief to be leaving her there. The years of her decline, the day of her passing—edges blur as they burn a hole in my emotional body, a single heart breaking open enough to hold the whole human happening.

      Profound gratitude now for the dear ones who have walked this path previously, providing a trail of recognition along this treacherous terrain. Remembering Hansel and Gretel and their crumbs of bread being consumed by the birds….

      I make the choice to trust I am still moving toward the center of our being.

    This morning I had a near-identical conversation with two people I love. One was about the news that a job would be ending. The other was about having been at an eye doctor’s office with frighteningly lax procedures for prevention of the spread of Covid-19. Although the content of these two experiences looks dissimilar, the words that came crossed the chasm of delusion: Every experience will be pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral. We learn from it all.

    I said, “When you have already already felt the pain of the experience, be sure you reap the benefits.”

    Having worked at jobs which demanded so much that life balance was sacrificed isn’t failure. Noticing is gaining insight.

    When a child is burned by touching a hot stove, the child learns from the pain how to be safer.


    Now, this is “Ambiguous Gain…”

  • Fly Eyes

    Society evolves not by shouting each other down,
    but by the unique capacity of unique,
    individual human beings to comprehend each other.
    ~ Lewis Thomas

    I started having flies in the master bathroom. We pretty quickly figured out where they were getting in, but it took me a while to catch and release them all.

    I have been able to catch flies in my fingers for as long as I can remember. I speak to the flies, saying, “Slow down. I will let you out where you have more access to food. Easy… easy… almost there.”

    The fly totem meaning is quick and abrupt changes in your thoughts, emotions, and endeavors are afoot.

    Fly eyes are immobile, but the spherical shape and the eye’s protrusion from the head produce an almost 360-degree view of the world!

    The message from fly is, You must use your keen eyesight to see the way.

    Lewis Thomas, author of the opening quotation, was an American physician and researcher, a scientist who wrote essays and reflections on topics in biology.

    Nature has so much to teach us…

    Barbara Brodsky was a civil rights activist in her teens. She was trained in nonviolence. She tells of having been sent into a small segregated town in the deep south with an adult Caucasian couple, and a black teenage girl. Every eye was glaring at them as they entered the busy cafe, but they felt victorious that they were allowed to take a seat.

    A waitress came over and took their drink orders.

    When the waitress came back with their beverages, the ice-filled contents were poured over the head of the young black woman! Chairs were instantly kicked back and patrons filled with hatred and anger were on their feet. It was impossible to know if they would get out unharmed.

    1 Peter 3:9
    Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult. On the contrary, repay evil with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.

    It took patience and a genuine commitment to DO NO HARM to get every one of those flies out of my bathroom alive. It took that and more to get Barbara and her companions out of that small town alive….

    Abraham Hicks said, “There isn’t anything that I cannot be or do or have, and I have a huge Nonphysical staff that’s ready to assist me, and I’m ready.” (Excerpted from Boca Raton, Florida on 1/12/97)

    It is time for kindness and wisdom and patience and commitment to do no harm. We need the help of all of that nonphysical staff so every sentient being on this planet can inherit a blessing.

    I am ready.

    I hope you are ready too…

  • Meddling Mind

    The world is changed by your example, not your opinion.
    ~ Paul Coehlo

    As I was feeling befuddled by boredom, I happened upon a dharma talk by Kyoun Sokuzan. Sokuzan, a fully transmitted monk in the Soto Zen Buddhist tradition, was speaking about meddling mind.

    Adyashanti (born Steven Gray in 1962), an American spiritual teacher and writer, says, “To have enough curiosity to start to question your deepest identity is absolutely vital and essential to spiritual awakening, and to the realization of peace and freedom.”

    When I say “I stumbled upon a dharma talk,” I mean that I still have no rational understanding of how I got onto the live stream. Oh, I know this teacher is the head of the SokukoJi Buddhist Temple Monastery, in Battle Creek, Michigan. A mutual Buddhist friend has attended events there before Covid-19.

    From the Website:

    America has Zen all the time. Why, my Teacher, should I meddle?

    April 10, 1938

    We have here the very same breeze as the remote spring at Lumbini, the birthplace of the Buddha.

    The very same mist hangs over the evening garden as it did over the ancient woods of Asoka trees.

    There is no spot on this good earth which is not the birthplace of a Buddha.

    I had not gone to their website, or their Facebook page, nor signed up for anything with this group. But the morning after I heard the dharma talk on meddling mind, I had a deep discussion with a dear friend about the danger of delusion. Very shortly after that conversation I read these powerful words of a writer-colleague:

    “Doodling Without Concern for End-Gain”

    By letting go of fantasy, desire, and ego, which all come from inside ourselves, Paulus suggested opening to the energy of nature, a model of abundance and non-possession coming from outside ourselves.

    ~ Zan Lombardo

    (NOTE: This is a chapter for a collaborative book being written by a group of people who were strongly influenced by Paulus Berensohn (1933-2017), dancer, potter, poet, artist, deep ecologist, teacher and former director at the Penland School of Crafts in Penland, North Carolina. Zan’s work is not yet published work, and has been shared here without her expressed permission.)

    P.S. I found this “Ball and Box” analogy explaining grief relevant. It was posted by a friend who lost her 35 year old son recently. If you find it helpful, please share it with others.


    Grief related to a recent loss can stimulate fairly constant pain. The ball and box analogy allowed the author of the article to understand why it is normal to still be experiencing intermittent feelings of grief even years after recovering from the initial shock of a loss.

    Grief is something we get through…. not something to get over.

    Meddling mind would have us believe or deny or act out feelings, thoughts, and opinions related to grief and loss. Coehlo expressed it so powerfully: the world is changed by our example.

    The pandemic is generating and amplifying feelings for people. Awareness allows us to be more skillful, compassionate, and wise with ourselves and others.

  • Message from Chuck

    Sacred Stories

    She was attending a grief journey group that is meeting virtually during the pandemic.

    One of the co-facilitators is a man very sensitive to messages from those in spirit. He said he had a message from “Chuck.” He thought it might be for one of the other women but she knew it was for her.

    “My dad is Chuck,” she said.

    “Chuck wants you to know that your nephew ‘landed safely.’”

    Her 35-year-old nephew had just passed away this week!!!

  • Praying Mantis

    Sacred Stories

    Chatting on the phone, she mentioned having seen a praying mantis the previous day. It was on the cover that protects the bikes from rain. She said she had gently relocated it to the porch step, and then asked permission to take a photo. “It looked right at the camera!”

    After the photo was taken, the mantis moved back onto the bike cover, then later onto the side of the house, staying there the rest of the day.

    She looked up the symbolic meaning.

      Praying Mantis Totem

      Folks with the Praying Mantis totem tend to elevate the consciousness of others. They are gifted psychics that are willing to share their knowledge. They love to teach.

    Her friend excitedly chimed in, “I had a praying mantis on my hand in the garden day before yesterday! It stayed there until I had to gently move it onto a rock sculpture so I could finish my work.”

    We are receiving messages from nature moment-by-moment….

  • What Are You Doing Today?

    The farmer may only be planting a seed,
    but if he opens his eyes
    he is feeding the whole world.
    ~ Omaha Bee

    This opening quotation kicked off a precious story about a three-person construction crew who was approached by a man asking what each was doing. The first said he was working for pittance and was getting tired, the second said he was laying concrete, the third (a woman, in the version I read) said, “I am building a hospital where people will receive needed medical care and many lives will be saved.”

    The man responded, “Yes… You are building my hospital.”

    The man was the benefactor, and he made the woman head over the entire project.

    I don’t know if this story actually happened as it is written, but the essence of this story is happening all over the planet at every moment as we are either working for a pittance, laying concrete, or saving lives.

    What are you doing today?

    Deep Spring Center
    Thought for Today

    You ask why there seem to be increasing obstacles. If you’re muddling around thinking about being more loving and caring and connected in your lives but not really doing much about it, negative polarity can relax. They see you’re not really getting anywhere. Since WWII, there has been a tremendous move toward positive polarity in the world. Many old souls are coming into birth, especially in the past 30 years. Here are many beings really intent on finding a way to live with love in the world rather than with an ‘eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth’ doctrine. Negative polarity looks around and says, ‘What’s happening? This is getting out of hand! Look how loving they’re becoming. Let’s toss in some opposition here.’ ~ Aaron

    Deep Spring has a new blog! Here is a link to the first post: The Vibration of Love is Protection from COVID-19

    Sign up to receive all of the posts real-time!!!

  • Angie’s Mom

    Sacred Stories

    “How is your yoga practice working or not working for you?” the yoga instructor asked as they began the second yoga retreat using the Zoom platform since the beginning of the pandemic.

    One woman confessed she had been having difficulty finding a location in her home to practice yoga. She said she was currently in her bedroom, which offers the best space, but she would be lying on a dirty rug that smelled like dog.

    They had only recently lost Angie…

    The Zoom host read a powerful paragraph from The Dharma of Dogs: Our Best Friends as Spiritual Teachers, by Tami Simon.

    “The pain of her death was exquisite. I cried for weeks, but felt an incredible joy and comfort that was an equal part of the grief. I was so grateful that I had spent time with her — only with her, fully present and joyful.” (p.163)

    The host mentioned that an online grief journey group attended by a mutual friend of Angie’s mom would be meeting virtually the following day from 4-6 pm. The mutual friend was currently in Atlanta — awaiting the welcoming of a new grandchild — and would not be in attendance. The yoga instructor said she also attends the group (her husband had passed seven months earlier) and would be there.

    Just as the invitation to attend the grief journey group for support was being offered Angie’s mom, a text message popped in from the friend in Atlanta!

    There is no such thing as accident; it is fate misnamed. ~ Napoleon Bonaparte

  • Order, Disorder, Reorder

    Twelve minutes late coming to join the Southern Circle Poets writing group, I have been transplanting some flowering things that have been blooming beautifully along the left edge of our driveway all summer. We are scheduled to have work begin tearing up the old concrete and blacktop, and putting in a continuous concrete driveway from the sidewalk to the door of our barn. John hopes it will work for shuffleboard!!!

    Yesterday when I mentioned my desire to transplant the flowering things, he queried as to if they were wildflowers or weeds. “What is the difference?” I asked. “Perhaps we just call them weeds because no one sells them at the garden shoppe.” They are beautiful, they are healthy, and they are contributing oxygen to the planet. It is worth a try to keep them alive….

    Simultaneously, I have been going through major disorder in my front bedroom/office/meditation hall. My HP PC crossed the rainbow bridge. (English: My desktop computer cannot be repaired.) I had big stuff tied to that PC: a big tower, a huge monitor, an external camera, a professional Brother laser printer, great-sounding Bose speakers. The PC’s valued accessories generated a need within me to hold onto it all when we downsized three years ago. And now what was is no more.



    Things have changed, and I am now working towards freeing up space. I will use my laptop as my ONLY computer. Unless you count my iPhone….

    So for days now I have been purging files to get the contents of four two-drawer file cabinets down to three.

    I am still somewhat in grief about my Brother printer. This has been a fantastic printer. I have cranked out client intake forms, NLP certificates, myriad lunch-and-learn handouts, and lots of poetry.

    Perhaps it has not yet been determined what will go or stay. Not only is this printer quite large, but the installation is on a CD and my laptop does not have a CD player. I know one can purchase an external CD player but I just don’t know if I want to accommodate the size of this printer.

    I will figure it out as I go along. I did determine that I can use my Bose speakers with my laptop when I want really good sound.

    Things are in disorder around schools. Two Midwestern universities announced on Tuesday that they will be modifying their fall plans because of the coronavirus pandemic. University of Notre Dame has suspended all in-person classes for at least two weeks due to the swell of coronavirus since students returned August 10. A letter from the President of Michigan State University stated: “Effective immediately, we are asking undergraduate students who planned to live in our residence halls this fall to stay home and continue their education with MSU remotely.”

    A friend who teaches K-12 was struggling with whether or not to take an early retirement from teaching. An important piece for her is that she can now retire with medical benefits — a big deal as she is a survivor of breast cancer.

    So much is going on. Old habit energy is amplified. Some people are paralyzed by panic. Others are already seeing opportunities opening up. I suggested my friend might benefit by creating and using a breath prayer, such as “I will figure it out as I go along….”

    My friend laughed so hard she cried, but the truth is we have all been doing that all along. In this ‘disorder’ phase we can see that clearly. It allows you to relax about it.

    I have found things in this office space while purging that I did not even know I had. You do want to keep the important stuff. As you anticipate reorder, notice what is truly important. Let go of the everything else. We will figure it out as we go along…

    Look at all the space that is being created!

  • All is Well

    Sacred Stories

    She had been nursing a bruised left foot for over a week when her friend suggested they look up the metaphysical meaning of bruise in Heal Your Body by Louise Hay.


    Louise says, “In order to permanently eliminate a condition, we must first dissolve the mental cause.” Her friend put down the phone, grabbed her copy of the book, picked up the phone, and read to her:

    Bruises (Ecchymoses)

    Probable Cause:
    The little bumps in life. Self-punishment.

    The affirmation:
    I love and cherish myself.
    I am kind and gentle with me.
    All is well.

    Mere moments before she had called her friend that morning she placed one of her “beach-stone-beauties” on the counter in the kitchen where her cat, Bella, eats.

    The words she had painted on the stone spoke directly to Louise Hay’s suggested affirmation for her bruised foot!

    All is well. And it will be well.

  • Mario’s Italian Market Remains!

    In response to “When Everything Falls Apart, What Remains?” posting, I received a precious email message from a Florida writer-friend.

    Thank you, Paul, for igniting my heart by sharing your powerful writing of your poignant experience.

    (Soft edits only!)

    Welcome to the Yellow Brick Road, and please come again….

      Dear Debra,

      I stared at the title of your recent blog for moments before I opened and read the email.

      The title described exactly, in a few short words, what I’ve been feeling for weeks. Seems that we’ve experienced a string of negative events these past few months that have made July/August 2020 among the most unforgettable in recent memory.

      I’ve tried to remain positive, yet have found this challenging.

      Although not the root cause, COVID-induced separation is a likely contributor to a nagging sense of disconnect.

      I wonder sometimes if we’ve gotten too good at “social distancing.” We stay at home; work from home in separate rooms; spend all day in different mindsets. We frown under our mask if someone is shopping in the wrong direction in the supermarket aisle. We are cautioned to avoid people who are sick, when we used to be encouraged to do the opposite.

      E.M. Forster begins his novel “Howard’s End” with the words “only connect.”

      A final thought on human interaction and connectedness: One of our favorite activities since moving to Southwest Florida is shopping at Mario’s Italian Market in Fort Myers.

      Having grown up in Brooklyn with parents who were raised in Little Italy, I feel qualified to comment on the salumeria experience in America.

      The magic of Mario’s is that everyone there—regardless of ethnicity or nationality—is for that moment bound together by a familiarity and fondness for this food. We make sure that number 75 doesn’t answer before we hold up our ticket number 76. We ask the woman who ordered the long-hot peppers if they’re really hot; she replies with a smile and left-right wag of her hand. The counter man offers a sample slice of Calabrian salami—an inducement to order a half-pound instead of a quarter. We discuss the merits of gorgonzola versus blue cheese with a stranger.

      Perhaps this is what will remain when everything falls apart.

    Perhaps, when everything falls apart, what remains is everything that is loved….

    You are loved, Paul!