Debra Basham

Living and Loving

Tag: encouragement

  • Killdeer Babies: Know Where to Look

    When you cease to relate to the darkness
    as something separate or other than the light,
    this invites the darkness into its sacred expression.
    In its highest expression
    it comes as teacher — perhaps not pleasant,
    but as teacher.
    Pain, fear, grief —
    not separate from the light.
    ~ Aaron

    On Tuesday evening at the Awakening and Living Awake class we heard, “When it is dawn in your back yard, it is dusk on the other side of the world.” We have been looking at our relationship to darkness over the past few years. Aaron has suggested we ask ourselves what duality (I would edit this to be “seeming” duality) we most frequently get caught in. Aaron said Barbara most often gets caught in wanting to have a body that is pain free and wanting a husband who can participate with her.

    Someone spoke of the idea that it “should” (I would add or should not) be this or that way, rather than allowing it to be the way it is. The term “duality of expectations” was used.

    In small group I spoke of my most frequent experience being a state that is not even holding an intention or an intention being held but awareness that is aware of holding and aware of being held where both exist. Words seem inadequate, but I think of it as a transcendent awareness. A classmate spoke of the need to not see yourself as “the kind one” or get caught up in being “the meditating one” as an identity. This is just another type of duality of expectations.

    For example, I have been blessed to see three baby Killdeer on my early morning bike ride. The thing that is most unusual about this sighting is Killdeers’ determination to protect their offspring at all costs, even at great risk of harm to themselves. I recall having seen an adult Killdeer along that street a few times, but I was focused on the nesting Night Herons I have been watching up in the tree along that same street.

    Truth be told, Killdeer chicks are born with great camouflage. Streaks of color make them near impossible to be seen against gravel, brush, or leaves.

    Even so, the adults try every trick in the books to divert attention away from their young. They will often pretend they have an injured wing to get your attention and flail on the ground. This behavior has resulted in the Killdeer coming to signify protectiveness, family values, and self-sacrifice.

    Once I had seen the chicks, the next day when first one and then a second adult crossed the street in front of me going off to my right I knew where not to look.

    Looking in the opposite direction, I could see all three chicks directly across the street!

    “Pure sheltered innocence of childhood” is also part of the symbolism of Killdeer.

    We do not enjoy difficult experiences. It is natural to be resistant when things do not go or look as we expected. Our last few days in Paradise are spent with the house we are renting getting a new roof. The damage occurred six months ago when Hurricane Ian made landfall. We have been here since December 20, AND NOW A NEW ROOF? All this week, as have been trying to pack and load the cars the yard and drive have been booby trapped with roofing nails!

    This is not what I wanted. But THIS ignites a spot previously touched. I had already experienced the home owner as dismissive about our finding two huge (dead) roaches in the pots and pans cupboard and the lack of cleanliness upon arrival. We learn both skillful means and unskillful means from our previous experiences.

    Because of my previous experience I knew where not to look and I knew where to look to see what I wanted to see: the Killdeer babies.

    In its highest expression pain, fear, and grief come as teacher — perhaps not pleasant, but teacher none-the-less. Getting caught in duality causes such profound pain. If we want to see what we want to see, we must know where to look.

    We are all moving through our past. We were children. We were adolescents. We have had lots of experiences and some may have been challenging, unpleasant, dismissive or even abusive. We are also moving into our future where we do not yet know what we will see or not see. We do not know what will surprise and delight us — or surprise and offend or harm us. This is the nature of working with both the darkness and the light.

    Would you think it possible to get two full-sized lampshades into a 2-quart pitcher? I was able to roll up two full-sized lamp shades and slip them neatly into this pitcher for safe travels North. Here is a photo to prove it!

    As Robert Fulghum wrote in All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten: “Don’t believe everything you think!”

  • Indian Tree Giving

    Because the collective is shifting so rapidly, we are doubling back for upgrades to things we have long-known. Yesterday for me was “The Rule of Six.” Simply put, any thought or belief that I recognize has the slightest tinge of lack, I can allow six alternate ways of experiencing it. This teaches the mind instantaneous flexibility so we don’t clamp down on our thoughts or beliefs and cause ourselves pain.

    Monday was another powerfully heart opening experience post-Ian. Linda cooked while I organized many boxes of household items. We had storage space for these items at our seasonal rental on Bounty Lane, but that precious home was damaged by the hurricane and is still in the tear-down-to-build-up phase, so we have used stuff here in Port Charlotte this winter but we are heading home in about ten days.

    I filled the van with creatively displayed boxes. We drove to many friends on the island where they could select from the Basham Bazaar Buggy (the back of my van). At our first stop Nancy made her selections and said, “I want to go with you on the rest of your stops….”

    The first was at the Winn Dixie grocery store for Linda to buy ice cream for the family we were taking a meal to. Our friend went into the store with me as Linda waited in the van. Our friend told me she wanted to buy some additional things for the family. She selected two boxes of Entenmann’s Minis Fudge Iced Golden Cakes, a large bottle of apple juice and some pink lemonade mix. I could feel how important it was for her to be part of the giving role.

    Our next stop was at the home of friends that took on water up to her armpits. Connie and her husband have worked tirelessly for over five months and say now their home is almost back to pre-hurricane condition. This friend is actually the sister of a very close Michigan friend, named Pam.

    Soon after I bought a whole box (almost an entire set) of these Indian Tree patterned dishes for $5 (from the estate sale of a woman coincidentally named Pam), Pam told me this pattern was their mother’s good china, and she had the set!

    I confess I have a dish fetish. I have loved these dishes. I would invite Connie for tea every season so she could sip from “her mother’s” tea cups. When Covid kept us from meeting face-to-face I gifted Connie one tea cup and one saucer, saying we could drink from her mother’s dishes and feel our connections across time and distance.

    I know these vintage dishes are rather expensive — online I saw one square sandwich plate for $40, one cereal bowl for $20, and a partial set listed for over $550. I had no idea.

    I do not have room for them in Michigan.

    It broke my heart to give them up, until I realized I am not giving them up, I am giving them back.

    I also gave Connie the beautiful plaid napkins I found that coordinate beautifully. And a little red butter dish with a matching red knife.

    The next day Nancy sent a photo of the dishes she selected from Basham Bazaar Buggy mindfully placed in the cupboard of her recently purchased duplex near center island after her house was a total loss.

    Her text message read, “A beginning! So grateful!

    Tears fall easily here….

  • Currently Open on my Laptop

    Texting with a close friend early one morning as she started her busy day, her friend sent the day’s “Daily Reflection” from Deep Spring Center for Meditation:

    Consciously envision peace. Spend at least a few minutes every day envisioning what this world could look like in a very detailed way if beings were able to live peacefully with each other, making space for different views, and free of hatred. Practice peace in all the simple ways. Smell the flowers as they emerge this spring. Take time in your lives to be peaceful. Do not allow yourself to get caught up with the spectacle that your media may present. Watch unpleasant news a few minutes if you need to, and then go and pray and meditate. And in these ways, you will find yourselves becoming centers of peace for yourself and for all those who touch your own life. ~ Aaron

    She immediately sent back this photo of a quote by Joseph Campbell back to her friend: “We’re not on our journey to save the world but to save ourselves. But in doing that, you save the world. The influence of a vital person influences,” along with a four-word message: CURRENTLY OPEN ON MY LAPTOP.


    Called or uncalled, God is present.

    This is actually a statement that Jung discovered among the Latin writings of Desiderius Erasmus, who declared the statement had been an ancient Spartan proverb. Jung popularized it, having it inscribed over the doorway of his house, and upon his tomb.

  • Don’t Know

    “The truth is that you already are what you are seeking. You are looking for God with his eyes. This truth is so simple and shocking, so radical and taboo that it is easy to miss among your flurry of seeking.

    You may have heard what I am saying in the past and you may even believe it, but my question is, have you realized it with your whole being? Are you living it?” ~ Adyashanti

    The emotional experience this winter is challenging terrain. It is so interesting that for a while I have been navigating a lot of stuff with a fairly stable inner essence. At this time, not navigating so much, but experiencing a lot of inner instability.

    Words seem to be part of the conditions that give rise to this. Co-housing with three others plays a part of the conditions for sure. But these are not what is really happening.

    I was sharing something that had happened earlier in the day with the Deep Spring Group 2 on Tuesday night. John had gone in to take a nap. A while later Linda asked me, “Is John sleeping?” On the surface that seems like an easy question to answer, but a yes did not come to be. My response was more honest than a yes would have (or could have) been.

    “Say only he went into the bedroom to take a nap,” I heard the words as they were being spoken. “I have no way of knowing if he is sleeping or not.”

    This is so literally true, however it did not feel skillful. I fumbled trying to explain what was happening within my mind that would not let me speak something I knew I did not know. I watched emotion arise: sadness. I have been feeling a lot of sadness of late.

    John Orr shed some light on my experience by speaking of the practice of DON’T KNOW MIND. John said just as there is within “the one who knows” there is also within “the one who does not know.” We are encouraged to practice don’t know mind until you are comfortable resting in uncertainty, until you can do your best and laugh and say “Don’t know.”

    I can say I don’t know what has my emotions so stirred. I don’t know what will allow those waters to settle.

    With certainty I can say it has not been easy living with me these months of co-housing.

    With certainty I can say the emotions are not “me” or “mine” but they are mine to navigate.

    On Sunday we went to Farmer Joe’s to buy fresh produce. Linda and I had a lengthy conversation about apples prior to our going. My lunch every day is an apple with some cheese. Earlier in the season we got Honey Crisp apples for 99 cents a pound. That day they were priced at one dollar and 99 cents a pound. I told her the price was not much different from the Pink Lady variety we had been buying of late, and, yes, I would appreciate her getting some Honey Crisp apples while they were at the market.

    As we pulled into the parking lot, however, John announced that they had Fuji apples on sale, suggesting we buy those. When Linda turned to me and asked did I want her to get those my emotions flared. They got the Fuji apples and I had the first one yesterday. Say only, they are in my experience an inferior apple.

    The sadness that rises within speaks many phrases. Why can others in our home be indulged for the things they prefer: John gets yogurt and milk and English muffins. Larry gets his grits and wine. Linda gets her carbonated water. I hear myself thinking, “I ask for so little.”

    This could be seen as something happening inside of me or outside of me or both. But what is it really? The one who knows knows it is not about apples. The one who does not know watches the emotions cloud the sky. It has been most interesting to me to notice how much separation I am feeling. Lonely feelings in the midst of my dear ones.

    One of my dharma sisters said to me at the end of our Group 2 sharing that I am likely feeling the emotional weight of the collective. We are here in the midst of the aftermath of Hurricane Ian. People still don’t have roofs; have not settled with their insurance companies; are sifting through rubble or do not even have access to rubble. So much familiar and favored has vanished. I have my personal experience of all of this, for sure, but nothing is happening in a vacuum.

    Today John and I will drive to Pine Island and clean windows for our dear friend Nancy Green. Nancy has just purchased her half of a duplex near center island; she is now sharing a wall with a long-time friend who also was displaced by the winds and the rains.

    We have seventeen days of this season here in Port Charlotte before we will return to our respective homes in Michigan.

    Sufficient time for seeing these emotional distortions as real experiences rising out of the conditions but not having any permanent nature; days and nights for shining the light of compassion on it all; an eternity of time for practicing that don’t know mind until we are comfortable resting in uncertainty.

    How long will this all take? Say only, “Don’t know.”


  • JP

    During a Facetime call they were talking about words and language and the wold entourage came up. “It does not just mean the supportive people around you, it means also the surroundings that support you,” her friend read from the definition.

    Then her friend said, “JP is coming through again.” This reference was to her brother who only lived 2 or 3 days. Their mother had not even been given opportunity to hold him. It was rather odd that this soul would come through her friend again. It had happened a few times before, however today the friend had misspoken.

    “It is not JP,” she told her friend. “It is PJ, but my grandfather was JP. I wonder if he is part of my entourage now.”

    The following morning her friend was out for a bike ride on a route she had ridden several times before. There on the sidewalk — not noticed previously but obviously purposely placed into the wet cement — were the initials JP!

  • Caroline and Clifford

    She was navigating what is sometimes called ‘adult orphan syndrome’ or ‘double parental bereavement’ or ‘double parental loss’ PLUS she and her husband moved from the Midwest to the Northwest soon after her mom had passed so she was terribly missing her siblings as well.

    Spending a few days in Florida with her snowbird sister severely stirred the emotional waters… but a beautiful gift began to appear. While they were looking for a bargain at a Goodwill store — one of their mom’s all-time favorite things to do was to beat the bushes for a bargain — they saw a dress by “Carol Anderson” — her mom’s maiden name!

    Then sightseeing with some friends in the Villages a couple of days later she saw a sign for Village of Caroline!


    Not to be left out… she also saw a sign for Clifford Villas. Clifford is her dad’s name!!!


    “Everything science has taught me strengthens my belief in the continuity of our spiritual existence after death. I believe in an immortal soul. Science has proved that nothing disintegrates into nothingness. Life and soul, therefore, cannot disintegrate into nothingness, and so are immortal.” ~ Werner Von Braun

  • Sea of Life Not Stay Same

    Opening email this morning and reading Neale Donald Walsch’s words: “… in moments when things look bleak — especially in those moments — see only perfection, express only gratefulness, and then imagine only what manifestation of perfection you choose next.”

    Cellular memory of our daughter Stacey’s move to Tennessee shortly after the birth of our first grandchild flooded in while sharing recently with a person who had made a cross-country move soon after her mother’s transition in the Midwest. While she was sure she was where she was to be, she was navigating intense feelings of “missing” her family and the fear of additional loss felt overwhelming.

    Speaking about loss, grief, and the necessity of regaining our emotional equilibrium in the midst of a sea of changing conditions was a reminder my current feelings are woven together with the collateral losses resulting from Hurricane Ian.

    My deep listening to Adyashanti shed some light on the universal journey with all of this. The talk was called “Self-Realization: I Got It!, I Lost It!” but it was excerpted from “The Timeless Nature of Being” given October 6, 2019, in Palo Alto, California.

    Something about it is still with you. Not by grasping at it but just almost like that intuitive sense, “What haven’t I lost?” – just sensing that, making space for it…. ~ Adyashanti

    I was at Walgreens waiting at the check-out counter for someone to come help with a rain-check for Ultra Soft Kleenex tissues. A young girl, maybe 10 or 11 years old, was next in line. As my wait time became longer and longer, I told her she was welcome to go ahead of me rather than wait. She said, “Its okay, I have my whole life ahead of me.”

    Unable to stop myself, I responded, “I have my whole life ahead of me, too, but I suspect you have more time than I.”

    A very wise expression came over her face….

    The sea of conditions is ever changing, that is for certain. But notice how much our expectation creates our experience of what is, what was, and what is yet to be. That young girl might have transitioned before I got up this morning. No, the odds are not in that direction, but the life that we experience is not always what the odds might indicate.

    We played a crazy-fun game this week while Linda’s sister, Brenda, was visiting. Poetry For Neanderthals is a word-guessing game like Password, but with a couple of quirky twists. First, you can only use one syllable words as clues. Second, if you use a larger word you get bopped in the head with a 2-foot long inflatable club.

    For example, if you are trying to get your team to guess the word broccoli, you might say “Green thing you eat for live long and have good health.” The game forces you to explain complex ideas using simple words. I like that. I am good at that. That is why this post is SEA OF LIFE NOT STAY SAME.

    One might go on to add SEA OF LIFE CAN STILL BE GOOD.

    It takes a bit to be good at it but you can even say SEA OF LIFE CAN BE GREAT.

    WHAT WILL IT TAKE FOR YOU TO BE GLAD FOR WHAT IS WHILE YOU STILL FEEL SAD FOR WHAT WAS?

    I THINK YOU GET THE POINT NOW. RIGHT?

  • Florida Scrub Jay

    She and her husband were avid birders. They loved traveling with a group, often going distant places in search of specific birds. One such sought-after species was the Florida Scrub Jay.

    According to Wikipedia, the Florida Scrub Jay is the only species of bird endemic to Florida and one of only 15 species endemic to the continental United States. Because of this, it is keenly sought by birders. She and her husband had made this trip previously with their group, but the Scrub Jay had eluded them each trip.

    After he passed, she decided to go to Florida in search of the Florida Scrub Jay one more time. This time, while she was there, she would spread some of her husband’s ashes.

    Although in Florida, there are no state laws or restrictions on where you can keep or scatter ashes, she wanted to do this privately. When she felt the time was right, she hung back from the group and discreetly scattered his ashes at her feet.

    Suddenly the entire group swarmed her! The precious, previously-elusive, prized Florida Scrub Jay flew down immediately and began eating her husband’s ashes!!!

    She laughed later with friends saying she wondered what parts of him were being enjoyed, but mostly she let her heart be held by this evidence of his loving presence….

  • Jingles’ Promise: Asking for a Sign

    Source: Jingles’ Promise: A Father’s Quest for Truth on the Appalachian Trail shared as a Sacred Story with permission from Norm “Jingles” Morris and Rochelle “SherpaShell” Morris. (p. 86-87)



    (ALL PROCEEDS FROM THE SALE OF THIS BOOK WILL BE DONATED TO HELP PEOPLE RECOVERING FROM TRAUMA AND LOSS.)

    Adam was a poet. The last poem he wrote was titled “DragonFly”. The day we picked up his ashes, I asked for a sign, anything to let me know that he was still with me. Something I could believe in and get comfort from… something that Jingles could also recognize.

    That day, when I got home, there on the back door knob what was the biggest dragonfly I’ve ever seen. It’s translucent purple wings had a five-inch spread. I felt Adam’s smile envelop me with warm, love and kindness. I let go of my fear and longing and out. I was at peace. I asked the dragonfly to stay where it was until Jingles got home to see it. It did! Adam was always a good boy like that.

    Spiritual teachings describe dragonflies, butterflies, birds, electrical events and other phenomenon of nature as signs that our loved ones from across the veil may be present.

    When you get a sign, instead of brushing it off, lift your gaze and open your heart. What’s the worst thing that can happen… someone standing next to you in line thinks you’re crazy? It just may be the beginning of a beautiful conversation.

    About Jingles’ Promise: A Father’s Quest for Truth on the Appalachian Trail : This is a true story from authors who are soulmates and mental health therapists. It is a tale of love, sorrow, forgiveness, mystery, and perseverance that celebrates life and the human spirit. Jingles tells the story of his Appalachian Trail hike from Georgia to Maine while SherpaShell provides support from the backroads in her camper van. Together, they reflect on their experiences and insights with the hope of helping others recover from loss and trauma.

  • That is Not Tit-for-Tat


    Some of my clearest insight and inspiration occurs when my mind is occupied with other things, for example, while riding my bike or putting together the pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. This morning I was finishing up a puzzle which had been fairly challenging for my skills and processing a powerful scene we watched in the miniseries “From Scratch” that is now showing on Netflix. Many layers of depth expose themselves from a simple plot: an American student studying in Italy, meets and falls in love with a Sicilian chef. I am glad I did not realize it is based on a true story as I was watching last evening….

    The scene moved me to a tearful remembrance of an experience with a client years ago, the details of which are included in Falling Together in Love: Stories From My Heart. The story begins on page 53, under the heading “Working with Words: Conversations that Changed Lives.” It involves the birth mother in an open adoption having had second thoughts after holding the baby she had just given birth to.

    My role was in helping the adoptive mom to find a way of assuring the birth mother that she could take all the time she needed to be 100% confident that she wanted my client to raise the baby. Those specific words that changed lives resulted in the completion of the adoption.

    The part of their story that did not make the book was the birth mother’s also having tearfully said to the adoptive mom, “I wish you could adopt me, too.”

    A bit ago I was triggered by some interaction related to planning a Zoom event honoring a friend that recently passed. Our convoluted email exchange was certainly also working with words, but in this case the words were not working, but all conversations change lives.

    Doctors tell patients what they have been diagnosed with is going to kill them.

    Parents tell children they will never amount to anything.

    Earlier today as Linda and I were talking about tonight’s menu, it became clear that everything on the list for tonight are things I normally make for John and me, so I told Linda I could make dinner tonight. Her response was, “Are you sure that is OKAY?”

    Walking over to the desk where she was sitting, looking her in the eye, I spoke the truth clearly, “You know me well enough to know that I do not offer to do something I am not in alignment with doing. You know it is OKAY or I would not have offered.”

    The exchange results from the beautiful way our co-housing has evolved. Linda and Larry love to meal plan, and they love to cook. John and I love to eat, and I am a bit compulsive with cleaning. Ours is a match made in heaven.

    Now, it is going to be interesting to see if I still clean up the dinner dishes. I have already set the table and made the salad. The green beans are in the pan ready for steaming, and I have added baby carrots with tarragon onto the menu. None of this is about the tasks. It is, however, often about the roles. It is about how our genuine being-ness can get hijacked by our doing. Yes, it is the evolved order of things for them to cook and me to clean, but that does not mean if I cook tonight they have to clean tonight.

    Evolved mindful living is not about tit-for-tat. It is about giving and receiving. While many of us were taught that it is better to give than to receive, the profound truth is that receiving is as essential as is giving. It is vital to give and receive.

    This Daily Quote from Aaron today:

    You are used to thinking of dana as a payment that’s made. It’s not payment. This generosity within you is a strong force that inspires you—the heart opening in generosity, holding as the highest value an alleviation of the suffering of all sentient beings. That’s a profound form of generosity. Not putting yourself first, not caught in the small self, but asking of yourself that you look at the challenges that come forth and give that deep breath and thank-you. Be mindful of the habitual tendencies that say, “I can’t give this; I can’t give that. I must keep myself sheltered. Must I? Perhaps I can open this way…” This is generosity. This is love. Then you give this love to the others in your life. You cook food for those in your families, if that is what is asked of you today. You walk the dog. You sit and meditate because it’s a form of generosity to yourself. This is one of the spiritual qualities that truly help carry you and support you.

    So, today I will cook food for those in my family.

    I will do so knowing that I give that freely, regardless of who cleans up the kitchen!

    That is not tit-for-tat….