Debra Basham

Living and Loving

Tag: DebraBasham.com

  • Business Plan – Jaxx

    They were text chatting about mindfulness and Buddhism, and the mind states of greed, when he told her he was starting a real estate business, with the name Jaxx in it.

    She sent some information about the Buddhist practice of Muditā, a dharmic concept of joy, particularly an especially sympathetic or vicarious joy—the pleasure that comes from delighting in other people’s well-being. The traditional paradigmatic example of this mind-state is the attitude of a parent observing a growing child’s accomplishments and successes.

    She asked him if a slight change from thinking “I” must make this work to knowing “the universe” can make this work for the good of all beings lessens any fear for him. He said it did.

    Spontaneously, she searched for the spiritual meaning of the word Jaxx and this came up:

    In the Bible, it is the short form of Jaxon, meaning “God is gracious.”

  • Mary’s Magnificence

    She got flowers for a chanting session for their dear friend, Mary, who was on hospice care and very near the end of her life. After Mary retired, she had worked with community based organizations helping seniors deal with issues surrounding death and dying.

    That chanting session had been six weeks and 3 days ago….

    She wanted to see if the flower would survive until 49 days after Mary died. It was clearly almost gone, but she was so grateful she had saved it. When she went to look again, the flower and one green stem had moved from one side of the vase toward the center front.

    She said she knows the dog did not move it, and she is taking this to be a sign that Mary was there to mark the end of the 49 days1

    Many Buddhists believe 49 days is the longest length of time the intermediate or “bardo” state before a person’s next incarnation can last. “Could be that Mary’s already reincarnated, though I would think she might want to rest a bit before coming back,”she shared.

    So grateful to share in the magnificence that was and still is Mary.

  • Game On!

    Her husband absolutely loved watching sports on TV and he ALWAYS had on one game or another.

    After he died, the TV would come on in the middle of the night.

    Their TV set was old and it would just be static and white noise so she got rid of it!!!

    (I found this online: “Spirits are said to consist of energy that can be measured by electrical devices. So it stands to reason that they can manipulate electrical objects around you. They could try and get your attention by making your lights flicker or even turn things on or off.” Over the years I have heard of many such occurrences shared in our Grief Journey Group, and I have also had experiences myself. ~ Debra)

  • They Stay

    Making preparations for the interment of his ashes that would take place two days after his birthday — on the one year anniversary of his death — she was having a particularly difficult day. It was the first time in 39 years she did not celebrate his birthday with him.

    She was talking to him, telling him about the interment plans. Then when she looked at her phone she had his photo!

    Just before the closing prayer, she would share these powerful words by the poet, Naomi Shihab Nye. They encapsulate her experience of losing him.

    People do not
    pass away.
    They die
    and then,
    they stay.

    Note: Naomi Shihab Nye is an Arab American poet, editor, songwriter, and novelist. Born to a Palestinian father and an American mother, she began composing her first poetry at the age of six. In total, she has published or contributed to over 30 volumes of poetry.

  • Moon in Clouds January 23, 2024

    The moon was directly overhead where she was wintering in Southwest Florida. It looked full, had a gorgeous lunar halo, and she could see a distinctive heart shape in the clouds so she grabbed her phone to take a photo to share with her friend in Colorado. It was often cloudy at home in Michigan, and she would miss seeing the full moon, so her friend had been sharing a photo of the full moon for several years.

    But when she looked at the photo she had just taken there were two images, both were undistinguished as the moon. One looked like shelving and the other was just a whitish streak, similar to what happens if you move the camera too quickly. Checking online she saw that the moon was not even full until two days later so she did not try again to get a photo.

    The following morning, however, she received a magnificent photo taken by her friend in Colorado.


    Although the “full” moon was still two days away, her friend had captured the image she had failed to get — complete with the heart she had seen in the clouds!

    “The same moon shines in every back yard,” as the saying goes….

  • It’s So Simple, Isn’t It?

    To speak ill of others is a dishonest way of praising ourselves. ~ Will Durant

    From the book In God’s Care: Daily Meditations on Spirituality in Recovery: “The real root of our struggle to speak well of others is the pain we suffer because of our low self-esteem, and diminishing another person’s worth, unfortunately, gives us a moment of stolen satisfaction. But in reality, the illusion of elevating our own worth for that brief, hurtful moment dies quickly, and our remorse and shame linger on.”

    Oh, boy…. life is in our faces right now. Weather is a challenge in so many places. We are grateful to be escaping the frigid temperatures and white-out-conditions at home while having copious amounts of liquid sunshine here in Southwest Florida.

    Yesterday’s images from our beloved Pine Island show streets flooded. Of course, friends there are still navigating the aftermath of Hurricane Ian. Widespread flooding and still more rain today. Note* This is a road, not a canal or river.

    Perhaps all humans have P-T-S-D – probably thinking something’s dreadful.

    As I was online this morning with a group that chats following a 45 minute meditation, I had to be very watchful as frustration, sadness and worry moved through my body. My thoughts were along the order of, “If these are some of my sisters and brothers who are most dedicated to being watchful about emotions and thoughts, do humans stand a chance to survive as a race?”

    My thoughts and emotions come on the heals of a visit I had on Saturday. I knew as the visit came to an end I was not sharing a point of view with my hostess. The conversation in both of these experiences was centered on what was not working, what the speaker experienced as unfair or unkind. But isn’t wasting our soul’s energy through thoughts of annoyance and feelings of aggravation just more of the same?

    Monday is my birthday and I am planning to share a birthday ritual with a dharma friend in Singapore whose birthday is three days later. We will be using some wonderful information pulled together and shared by Dr. Robert Waldon, from Reunion Living Ministries. Here is an excerpt from Robert’s “2024 – Justice and Balance.”

    During this year, you will be faced with opportunities to become aware of any areas in your life where you are drawn off center and lose your focus. Rather than letting this awareness shut you down further, recognize that the gift of 2024 is the energy and support to change these patterns.

    Remember that you cannot change an old pattern without first becoming aware of what it is and its impact on your life. Celebrate these awarenesses and use this energy to re-create your life and your world. Don’t allow yourself to be pulled too far from your own center with any project and don’t let self-doubt or doubts from others interfere with what you know is best.

    Robert also mentions that the potential “pitfall” is provocation, asserting our point of view at the expense of others, coming across as authoritarian and controlling. He says best to be willing to stand up for a belief or cause and convince others by strength of conviction, not strength of force or control. And he reminds us that our true strength comes out in nonjudgmental simplicity.

    He offers these affirmations:

    “I am gentle and strong.”

    “My greatest strength is my compassion and non-judgmental forgiveness, allowing what is truly right for all to freely make itself known.”

    As this morning’s conversation continued to be expressions of what is seen as not working, what people don’t like, and what people express they fear is coming, I spoke up. I am not sure if I was gentle and strong but I do know our greatest strength is compassion and non-judgmental forgiveness.

    A precious nugget that came from this morning was learning about Vidyamala Burch and her work around navigating pain. While she is primarily speaking about physical pain, she says the pain could be any kind of pain: physical, mental or emotional.

    “The problem is mainly resistance…. Everything we do is about learning to soften resistance…. When we resist, we hold the breath.”

    Burch has people do a brief exercise. Make a fist. Notice what happened to your breath. There is a strong tendency to hold our breath when our body is in resistance. She asks you to move your attention into the clenched fist and ask the fist what it would like to do. It wants to soften. To let go. To release the tension. Here is a talk/article Burch gave “How Do I Work With Anger?” that you might really appreciate. This is from her talk:

    And we’ve all got an autonomic nervous system in our bodies. And the autonomic nervous system is outside our control and it’s got two wings. It’s got the sympathetic wing, which has to do with activation, activity and the parasympathetic wing, which has to do with calming. And the out-breath, if we let the out-breath go all the way out of the body, we’re immediately bringing online the parasympathetic wing, which is calming. And of course when we’re angry and agitated, we’ve got sympathetic overactivity with all the associated hormones.

    We’ve got adrenaline, we’ve got cortisol. We feel hot. We feel worked up. We feel edgy. And, uh, as soon as we allow the out-breath to also be emphasized or to overemphasize the out-breath, to give the out-breath really full expression, we’re immediately bringing online the hormones of the parasympathetic system.

    This is oxytocin, endorphins. These are calming hormones, they’re peaceful hormones. They’re good for us. And straight away, we feel a little bit better, a little bit less riled, less agitated, less adrenalized. So this is really important.

    And it’s so simple, isn’t it?

    Years ago my business partner shared something his former co-author had told him: WHETHER YOU GIVE OFFENSE OR TAKE OFFENSE ADDS THE SAME MISERY TO THE UNIVERSE.I think that is going to be my mantra for 2024 because whether I give offense or take offense adds the same physical, emotional, or mental pain. Whether I give offense or take offense it is my sympathetic nervous system which is activated and floods my physical body with adrenaline and cortisol.

    And it’s so simple, isn’t it?

  • One Tear “Drip”

    He had touched many hearts during his brief one-hundred-thirteen-day life.

    She recalled having heard that it must be a very special incarnation for that soul who completes a lifetime so quickly. She lit both sides of the candle the morning after he passed, loving and honoring his passing while offering continuing prayers for his twin brother.

    The twin-flame candle had been gifted to her, touted as both odorless and dripless. It had previously been both, but this morning she saw one l-o-n-g drip from the right side flame — running all the way to the base.

    It was as though she was seeing the sacred honoring of his life with this one tear drip….

    In Psalm 90:12 it is clear that Moses contrasts the brevity of life with our eternal nature: “Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.” (New International Version)

  • Trust the Magic of Beginnings

    And suddenly you know:
    It’s time to start something new and
    trust the magic of beginnings.
    ~ Meister Eckhart

    Today is the first day of 2024.

    Yesterday afternoon I went into a different area on my bike ride. I was only lost between 8.88 miles and 12.22 miles….

    Suddenly I knew I had gotten turned around and did not know which way to go. I stopped and asked directions back to the main road. The man and woman were out in their driveway because they were checking on a Gopher Tortoise that was on their driveway. They were relieved to know it was just sleeping in the sunshine on the warm pavement. It has been somewhat cool here. In fact, it is 49 degrees right now.

    “Is this the direction to Rampart Boulevard?” I asked.

    The man pointed. “At the stop sign, make a right. Your next right will be Rampart,” he assured me.

    I rode in that direction but when I got to the stop sign I knew right where I was, and I was somewhere I did not want to be — on a busy road with no shoulder.

    So many people are right where they do not want to be. Dear Michigan friends here in Florida are very sick with violent intestinal symptoms (either flu or food poisoning); some dharma friends in North Carolina are sick with Covid when he was to be leading a New Years retreat; Stacey and Doug are sick in Tennessee with the respiratory bug that kept Jackson home from daycare all last week.

    Part of the challenge was/is a long canal that ran between where I was and where I wanted to be. One gift in the adventure was my successful riding 15 miles just a few days earlier. It had been many, many years since I rode 15 miles, but yesterday I knew it was possible so I was persistent. Assessing my options at that stop sign, I decided to move ahead I needed to begin by retracting my steps. Even after finding a patch of shade where I could see Google Maps on my phone, I still took a few wrong turns and had to back track several times.

    What a relief when I finally saw a memorable patio heater along the side of the road, left there for trash pickup. I absolutely knew I was back on the road that would take me home!(My phone was only on 7% power when I arrived home.)

    My first hawk sighting here in Punta Gorda was a Red-shouldered Hawk in the neighbor’s yard. Over the next week or so I had several different sightings (one flying with live catch in its talons), a pair sitting side-by-side on the power line right along the sidewalk, a single also sitting facing me on another power line. I was not able to get photos for identification on any of those, but at the exact moment I was enjoying that feeling of relief knowing I was going the right way I saw another hawk. This time I was able to get a fairly decent photo. My beloved Florida birding guide (Hart – such a great name!) identified this one as a Cooper’s Hawk with my photo.


    From Animal Speak, by Ted Andrews:

      Part of the Role for the individual beside whom hawk flies is that of Guardian of the Earth Mother. These are individuals who will possess an astute awareness of the concept of the interconnectedness of all things, and will have an inner reverence for all life.

      These are the souls that are involved in making the world a better place, whether locally or globally. They will be protectors of the Earth Mother and tread softly upon her, encouraging and educating others to do the same.

      Often, they are either found initiating or actively involved in environmental causes, where their keen perception and insight will serve their chosen cause well. Yet it is their day to day existence and fundamental philosophy/foundation of action and belief, that distinguishes these individuals as true champions of Mother Earth as they seek to live in harmony with the ~Ina Maka~ and all that She births, provides, nurtures and sustains.

    The ending of the opening quotation by Meister Eckhart begins with trust. Then it mentions magic. Finding the way home after realizing I was lost took a lot of beginnings.

    And suddenly you know.

    It’s time to start something new.

    “Trust the magic of beginnings” is a great mantra for 2024….

  • Happy Birthday from Heaven, Jennifer!

    On Thursday evening she and her husband were at karaoke in southwest Florida.

    A woman joined others at the table next to them.

    At the exact same time she had the thought, her husband spoke, “That woman reminds me of Jennifer!” (She had worked with Jennifer’s mother fifty years ago. Their families went to church together. Of course, he used Jennifer’s maiden name, they had known Jennifer since she was a young child but it had been years since they had seen Jennifer.)

    “I just had that exact same thought!!!” she exclaimed.

    Jennifer and her husband had been living in Georgia for some time now. Both of Jennifer’s parents had passed. She sent a message to Jennifer through Facebook Messenger, telling her what had happened, saying simply, “Know you were being thought of!”

    “Aw, thanks. That was sweet of you,” Jennifer responded.

    She wrote back, “I am not sure of the significance of the timing for you, but it was sure a strong connection for both of us!”

    Jennifer’s reply was oh, so telling, “It’s my birthday so I was just making the rounds and saying hello!”

      “People you love never die. That is what Omai had said, all those years ago. And he was right. They don’t die. Not completely. They live in your mind, the way they always lived inside you. You keep their light alive. If you remember them well enough, they can still guide you, like the shine of long-extinguished stars could guide ships in unfamiliar waters.” ~ Matt Haig, How to Stop Time

  • A Shared Love – Hawk

    They had met years ago, when she and her husband were wintering on the east coast of Florida. A retired judge from Pennsylvania, he and his wife were also wintering in Florida. She and her husband attended a delightful birding class he was leading at the nature center. A shared love was born!

    These many years later, in December 2023, although they were separated by miles, she still loved sharing her birding experiences with him.

    Sitting on the lanai in Southwest Florida early that New Years Eve eve morning — at the exact moment she was writing an email telling him the details about two hawk sightings the previous day — a hawk loudly flew overhead! She grabbed her phone and hit the voice memo record button…. she included the lovely sounds of hawk in her email message to him.

    Hawks most often screech in flight. A male screeches to announce his territory during the mating season. A hawk will screech loudly and repeatedly to defend his territory, generally from other hawks.

    While each species of hawk, along with the details of the visit, can have slightly different spiritual meanings, hawk generally means change, accomplishment of goals and dreams, clarity, and protection which comes by your honoring your inner wisdom. These magnificent birds demonstrate the results from knowing and going after what you need and want.

    Over twenty years ago she and her former business partner had chosen Red-tailed Hawk as their business logo. Or perhaps Red-tailed Hawk had chosen them. The logo line they used was: Perceive, receive, and use your abilities…. as the hawk rides the wind.

    (This photo of Red-tailed Hawk is one her birding friend sent to her in 2014….)