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I Surrender
Entry from my journal: Tuesday, January 18, 2022 @ 3:37 am:
Dear Holy Spirit,
I am awake and in the TV room listening to Karen Drucker’s “I Surrender.”
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I will surrender to my greatest highest good.
I will release every fear that’s in my way…
and I am grateful every moment of every day.
I spoke with my doctor late last evening. I had called because my blood pressure had spiked the past few days. At home in my pantry is a prescription bottle of an anti-anxiety medication she prescribed for me in 2017 when this had happened. I took one once, and I have carried one with me in my purse every day since. I took 1/2 on Sunday, and 1/2 on Monday, but the pressure was still elevated when Linda B/G checked it last evening.
I love that my doctor knows my blood pressure goes up because of anxiety, rather than thinking it is organic. When she prescribed the anti-anxiety medication in 2017, she said, “Anxiety driven blood pressure doesn’t respond well to the classes of medications normally used to lower blood pressure.” And that list is long: Diuretics; Beta-blockers; ACE inhibitors; and Vasodilators, just to name a few.
Of course, John’s recent experience of having had severe “silent” coronary artery disease (CAD) has triggered my childhood pattern of being terrified of all things medical. Now that we are home and things are moving along smoothly, this current tremendous anxiety is a result of my having just gone through everything with him. Waking up early Saturday morning to not-one-but-two tornado warnings blasting on our phones probably added insult to injury…
My doctor said she is not worried about me. She has years of good blood pressure readings taken in her office by her nurse. She assured me they have done research about the spouse of a heart patient going through this sort of thing.
I took 1/2 of one 2mg Valium (with permission) and I went to bed optimistic about getting a good night’s sleep. I went to sleep, but I woke up in massive ANXIETY. While there were no conscious thoughts of scary things, I could feel my body in high alert, totally overrun with adrenaline.
I grabbed my phone, popped in my earbuds, and began tapping along with some Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) audios. After a couple of shorts — including Tapping Universal Reversals — without much measurable benefit. Then I tapped through FEELING SAFE IN YOUR BODY with Nick Ortner. During the 6 minute 50 second closing I began to feel a shift. I repeated that part. I repeated it again. And again.
Conditions came to mind: womb trauma when my mom had syphilis and was a terrified inpatient; being traumatized by hospitalization in isolation after the diagnosis of polio at age five; the out-of-body experience at age 12 when I was in the auto accident; the terror I felt during the trip to Europe in 2011. An avalanche of more minor situations that reveal the deeper structure of anxiety also came forth in my mind. When one is driven by amygdala hijacking, even choosing the ‘right’ color of paint can feel like a life-or-death situation.
I felt my body releasing the pattern and welcoming bliss back.
My niece, who has recently shared her life-long struggle with anxiety and depression, came to my mind over and over. I had said to John a few day ago I was feeling like I need to reach out to her.
My nephew, who has used drugs to combat severe anxiety, resulting in his having multiple incarcerations, came to mind.
And so many others….
I began listening to the Surrogate Tapping audio, and I said out loud to myself, “I dedicate the merit of this to all who suffer from anxiety…” Jesica Ortner’s words encircled my body and soothed my mind:
…. This is a blessing in disguise and I am so grateful…. I let go of my need to control this situation….
I can feel some hints of integration as I listen.
….As I heal in the presence of darkness, we are all uplifted….
I wonder if this pattern of fear and anxiety might actually be a part of our collective divine mission.
….I no longer live the lie; the lie that I don’t have what it takes; the lie that others don’t have what it takes….
I can still hear the refrain of Karen Drucker singing I surrender to my greatest highest good in the background of my mind’s ear. I can feel myself breathing! I look and my heart rate on my Fitbit is showing 67 beats per minute!
My grandson, Brad, comes to mind. He has spoken of his own awareness of this pattern of anxiety-driven achievement.
….This person has what it takes to have what they want….I have faith that this person I love will do what’s right for them. The outcome is greater than I could have ever imagined so I let go of my need to predict. I let go of my need to control. Everything is in divine order. I am grateful for this situation for it helps me learn and grow. I am grateful for this situation for it helps me learn and grow. I’m grateful for this blessing in disguise. I’m grateful for this blessing in disguise.
When the surrogate tapping audio is finished, I open my email and read two “Thought-for-today” messages that speak directly to my current experience.
Look around, look around at how lucky we are to be alive right now. ~ Lin-Manuel Miranda (from Gratefulness.org)
Get to know fear. What is fear? It’s very interesting. Fear is always about what might happen, not much about what’s happening right now. When you’re present in the moment there may be discomfort, even real pain or sadness, but not a lot of fear. Fear is about your projections. ~ Aaron (from Deep Spring Center for Meditation)
And when I turn on the computer to write this Yellow Brick Road post, this is the random screen saver image I am looking at. And I surrender to my greatest highest good….

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The Radiance of the Outside World
Thought for Today
If you live in the moment with fear,
‘What if this doesn’t work? What if that happens?’,
your fear contracts your energy field.When thusly contracted, the light can’t pour out of you.
Equally important, you are armored and the radiance of the outside world cannot pour in.
~ AaronFrom my journal this morning:
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Dear Holy Spirit,
I went to bed early. John stayed up later and when he came to bed I got awake and was restless. Knowing we both need rest, I went in to the guest bedroom.
I did an internet search of coughing after bypass surgery. Some said it could last weeks and that it is very much a beneficial part of the healing and recovery.
I listened to the tapping audio by Dawson Church and fell asleep.
I looked at my watch the first time at 1:13 and saw that the date was January 13. That silly coincidence of it being 1:13 on 1/13 captured my attention.
Earlier in the evening John had dozed off in the recliner in the TV room. He was so still…. I spoke his name softly. He did not respond. I called his name a bit more loudly. Nothing!
So, I rubbed his leg, saying his name gently until he woke up. I said, “Sorry to wake you up. I was nervous.”
A few days ago he moaned in the bathroom and scared me. A yawn, a moan, a grown…. a grunt…. a sigh, even silence all carries with it a dab of dread. He seems to understand how care and concern has blown itself into a sort of hyper-vigilance.
How long might this rob me of the full joy and relief of these moments we are blessed with?
None of us are promised anything more.
Is this enough?
Will I discard the gift of this sweet bliss in the field of forever fear?
I hope not.
I also saw the clock at 3:13! In Europe, they put the date before the month.
I got up at 5:55 and this day has had moments of feeling almost normal.
“Courage is being scared to death … and saddling up anyway.” — John Wayne
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How to Change our Past
Perhaps it is busy mind preparing for our seasonal move south, or maybe the Beaver Moon (named for the November moon because of how the beavers prepare for winter), but I am wide awake and have fingers on the keyboard. While darkness drapes the sky, I am listening to an amazing Lion’s Roar interview with Kaira Jewel Lingo, a former nun living at Plum Village with Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh.
The official title of the interview is “Facing the Unknown.”
We Were Made for These Times: Ten Lessons on Moving Through Change, Loss, and Disruptions, is the title of the book by Kaira Jewel Lingo.
So many nuggets….
Living every moment of mindfulness as a moment that changes our past.
“Begin Anew” practice of reflecting at the start of each week what you appreciated in the previous week about your partner/friend/coworker. One memory bring up another memory….
Sharing about inmates in Africa in 2007 becoming concerned for their fellow inmates who were hospitalized with HIV. The inmates requested and received permission to grow a garden — food to provide additional nourishment for those who were ill. That generated awareness also of orphans whose parents had died from AIDS. An “adopt-an-orphan” program led to their acquiring a sewing machine and using their own clothing to repurpose into garments for the orphaned children.
Preparing for our seasonal move might give greater significance to this idea of preparing for the ways we are going to have to adapt. Or maybe that comes with advancing age. This week John is learning a new version of the song “Jesus Loves Me.” The first line is: Jesus loves me, this I know, though my hair is white as snow.”
People have asked me if I like my new short hair.
It touches my heart that my Covid-Created long hair has been donated to a child through Wigs for Kids.



How do we prepare? How do we be ready?
Kaira spoke of the English WWI soldier who had an idea for the entire nation to spend one minute in silence. At nine pm each day, Big Ben would ring, reminding the people to do this. Twenty-one years later, following WWII, the Nazi’s said they could not take over England because, “You had this secret weapon.”
I am making a list of user-name and passwords for all of our online stuff. At some point, someone is going to need that. Preparing for the ways we are going to have to adapt.
I have been organizing meals based on what we have in the freezer and pantry. Preparing for the ways we are going to have to adapt.
When I think of something that I want to remember to take, I get it out now. Preparing for the ways we are going to have to adapt.
While not everyone is making a seasonal move, the whole world might benefit by preparing for the ways we are going to have to adapt. That truly is how to change our past!
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Hip Hip Hooray!
“Just because we are afraid doesn’t mean anything is wrong.
Doesn’t mean a mistake is being made.
Doesn’t even mean, necessarily, we’re in danger.”~ Adyashanti, “Letting Go of Fear”
from In the Face of the InfiniteIt is 6:21 am and I am sitting with an ice pack on my left hip writing this post.
My relationship with this left hip has been long standing, pun intended.
My left hip was dislocated at the pelvis August 12, 1962, in an auto accident.
An auto accident which resulted in my having an out-of-body experience.
There, I have said it.I distinctly recall floating above my physical body watching the scrambled flesh on my forehead being sutured.
I was watching from a “space” of no pain, no fear, no sense of myself as a separate being.
The summer of 2021 has been a time of revisiting this experience. I have connected with dozens of others who had similar altered states of being. Many shared much more extreme experiences, including those who were clinically dead for some time, but everyone identified ways that experience shaped the rest of their lives.
Possibly EVERYONE knows someone who has had some type of experience.
Profound gratitude for each person who has spoken out loud. (The International Association for Near-Death Studies is a non-profit organization based in Durham, North Carolina in the United States, associated with the academic field of near-death studies.)
It is likely not an accident that I was immersed with this community, nor a co-incidence my hip would flare up as I process that experience I had when I was twelve years old.
I will give a talk at St. Johns UCC in New Buffalo, Michigan titled, “Time Change.” Notes from that draft:
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Now is not a moment moving through time. Now has no duration. There is no time through which we move.
Time is imagined to be real only when we have forgotten our true nature of ever-present awareness.
We imagined ourselves instead to be limited, located entities. Time and space are born with that thought, but there is no present moment.
This ever-present now is eternity.
Time is thought superimposed upon eternity, and eternity is just another name for our true nature of awareness.
~ Rupert Spira, “Time and Death”
Louise Hay, in You Can Heal Your Life, shares a probable mental cause related to hip problems: Carries the body in perfect balance. Major thrust in moving forward. Fear of going forward in major decisions. Nothing to move forward to.
Oh, my….
While the night is still dark, before I have welcomed relief from discomfort, even as you seem to be there and I seem to be here and we seem to not yet know what we moving forward to, truth embraces and erases each of these distortions.
In 1988 I was told I needed to have a hip replacement. I was only 38 years old, considered to be too young. They only got about ten years from an artificial hip at that time. The same hip could only be replaced twice due to the formation of scar tissue. The doctor said, “Replacing this hip now would leave you with no options. You just have to face it, you will never have quality of life.”
I tell the entire story in Freedom from Pain.
Yesterday morning I cried when I saw my doctor, Dr. Leanne Mancini, DO, at Family Physicians of Sanit Joseph. “Does this mean I have to give up on this hip?”
“No,” she gently reassured me, “it simply means we have to treat it.”
Thus the ice, and the ibruprofen, and the rest.
And, of course, the affirmations by Louise Hay:
Hip. Hip. Hooray — there is joy in every day.
I am balanced and free.
I am in perfect balance.
I move forward in life with ease and with joy at every age.





