Debra Basham

Living and Loving

Tag: shame

  • Shame: One Hell of an Emotion

    An early morning phone call with a friend focused on shame. Her shocking statement was about being sick of feeling shame and the decision to not look at it, work with it, but to just be done with it. She decided to just say F&@K it…. if you know what she means.

    I mentioned The Drama Triangle Revisited which is still available as a free download on the SCS-Matters website. The Drama Triangle was developed by Dr. Steve Karpman in 1968 (“Fairy Tales and Script Drama Analysis.” Transactional Analysis Bulletin, 7:26, 39-43), and it is vital to be aware because these roles are the raw fabric of our conditioned minds. Inescapable…. grateful awareness does offer release.

    I did an internet search. Shame is not guilt. Guilt is about our having done something wrong. Shame arises from a core belief that there is something wrong with you. Shame is feeling you simply ARE not good enough. Shame is a hell of an emotion.

    After our brief sharing, I listened to a Q & A session from a retreat at Plum Village. Interestingly, the feeling of core shame is intrinsic in Western culture, but not so much in Eastern. Perhaps this is the emphasis on being “born in sin” or “basic goodness” found in those world views. Here are a few nuggets from that Q & A session:

    1. Being critical of shame is still being critical. The road of transforming “conditioned” habits is the path of recognizing the way thoughts lead to emotions and emotions form beliefs.

    2. Notice criticism as it arises in thought. “Why are they doing that?” “Why are they wearing that?” “Why can’t I (you fill in the blank)?” Think of something opposite using the Metta Meditation: May you be safe. May you be happy. May you be healthy. May you be peaceful. Say these phrases over and over, breathing in and out, until you feel some compassion in your heart.

    3. The tendency is to focus only on the difficult memory and the situation that has caused the deepest wound. We punish ourselves each time we keep repeating, reminding ourselves of that situation. Even in the pain, remember there is so much beauty in life. So much wonder. So much joy.

    Our dance with the cockroaches continues…. I will spare the details but say only that last evening — while we had guests — I discovered the need to clean under the stove.

    It is imperative to take a good look at our conditioned habits.

    These are such timely reminders. All will benefit from deep cleaning!

  • Radical Noticing

    How do we see the world as sacred again?
    By radical noticing.
    Looking for awe in all of life.

    ~ Lucy Jones posted on Gratefulness.org July 12, 2023

    Yesterday riding my bike I was inundated by awareness of the propensity to criticism. John’s clothes, the way someone says something, the decadent use of disposable bottles of water, the literal interpretation of the Bible, the killing of native grasses and planting of invasive species…. the list is endless.

    I long to see the world as sacred again.

    The world does not need to change for that to happen, but my consciousness does.

    The past few weeks I have been Zoom hosting a gathering of beings present with our meditation teacher, Barbara Brodsky. She is navigating a serious infection which got into the bone in her toe. After months of not being able to bear weight, and 9 weeks on antibiotics, she is in the wait-and-see if the infection is gone mode. Expressing that she was feeling some fear around all of this, the gathering of those willing to be with her was born.

    Barbara has spoken of our intention as “one foot for all” and “one heart for all.”

    Barbara’s closing comments Sunday, July 9, 2023:

    As I was talking with Aaron earlier this week and I was still meditating with the fear and concern about a possible amputation, he said is there any need to explore that reality of an amputation.

    I said no, but it could happen so I have to be prepared.

    He said being prepared doesn’t mean looking at the possible amputation. It means just watching fear as it comes up and knowing how to relate to that fear with love, but if you go into practicing having equanimity with a possible amputation, in some ways you are bringing energy to inviting the amputation. If instead, you simply practice loving kindness toward anything, even the mosquito bite, the thunder, whatever has disturbed your environment, just practicing love and continue to envision the perfectly healed foot.

    Last week a friend shared a body of work titled “How to Turn Your Client’s Negative Emotions into Positive Growth,” presented by Charles M. Jones. While it was not totally new information, I did have a very strong insight about the fear around managing John’s medical issues. Charles contrasts what he calls the “circumstantial view” with the “effectiveness view” of difficult emotions. The emotion we were working with was frustration. I was identifying the frustration around most of John’s complaints being the side-effects of medications: low energy, little stamina, lethargy.

    Following his process, I gained the insight that hidden beneath the surface frustration with all the medications was the concern of loss of financial independence if John would become disabled and need long-term care!

    From my journal this morning:

      V: Being prepared is fueled by fear. Notice now the thought about losing one’s money because of long-term care. Find that sweet spot of being guided in love verses being driven by fear.

    While we were in the meditation with Barbara on Sunday I kept seeing the image of an icicle. I saw aspects including the conditions which led to the formation, and both the beauty and the possible destruction. Later I read that the symbolic meaning of icicle is TEMPORARY DIFFICULTIES.

    As I visited with a friend recently we spoke of our longing to see the world as sacred. We have both navigated so much…. we share a legacy of shame.

    On the back cover of the book by Jenna Blum, one short sentence speaks volumes: “Those Who Save Us is a profound exploration of what we endure to survive and the legacy of shame.”

    Very near the end of the book the main character, Trudy (a German), is stunned that a man she has recently found such happiness and bliss with, Ranier (a Jew), is leaving. She begs him to tell her why and suggests reason after reason which in her own mind it might be. Finally, he speaks the saddest words in the world, “I do not deserve to have this. I am not meant to be this happy.”

    Trudy knew she could not argue with him because she knew that feeling all too well.

    Whoa….

    Looking again at Ken Wilber’s 3-2-1 process, I wonder if that is the key to our seeing the world as sacred. Maybe this is what allows us to see that it is all sacred. It already IS sacred. Perhaps we must do the shadow work and bring it all into the heart.

    These steps are summarized as FACE-TALK-BE and here’s how the
    technique is explained in Wilber’s little instruction book, The Integral
    Vision    : (See: 3-2-1 Process for the Shadow pdf)

      1. First thing in the morning (before getting out of bed), review your
      dreams and find someone who showed up with an emotional charge,
      positive or negative.
      2. FACE that person, holding them in mind.
      3. Then TALK to that person, or simply resonate with them.
      4. Finally BE that person by taking their perspective. For the sake of this
      exercise there is no need to write anything out—you can go through
      the whole process right in your mind.
      5. Before going to bed, choose a person who either disturbed or
      attracted you during the day. FACE them, TALK to them, and then BE
      them.

      This technique can be used not only with people who bring up an emotional
      charge, but also with situations and memories that create a disturbance.

    The same six letters make up both words.
    S C A R E D
    S A C R E D

    Whoa….

    This is the format of our time together with Barbara Brodsky on these Sunday noon gatherings: “We express our gratitude for the opportunity to come together as a group. We hold this highest intention not only for ourselves, but for the benefit of all. May all be blessed. May all be free from suffering. May all be healthy. May all be happy. May all feel joy. May all beings realize their intrinsic perfection and find perfect peace. Namaste’”

    I think I will add “May all see the world as sacred.”

  • The Aftermath

    You see, I have this weird, but in my experience, validated faith that if I surrender myself to my own words, the ones that came without too much cogitation or premeditation, they will lead me to a place I didn’t know I’d be visiting; they will show me 1) What I didn’t know was on my mind when I started, and 2) What I didn’t know I knew about that particular subject.

    Sydney Lea, page 195, The Crafty Poet: A Portable Workshop, by Diane Lockward.

    Sitting in my Snowbird Poets group, I placed my fingers on the keyboard barely breathing and witnessed The Aftermath.

    Time is nonexistent, Dear One, non-exist-ant

    Standing barefoot
    I am aware
    of things I am too young to know

    Stripped of my innocence
    when he climbed on top of me
    in the courtyard
    beneath the Viburnum

    That snowball bush was in full bloom
    while I was not
    yet
    but soon would be

    Ten years later
    I hear from some
    deep drug-induced fog:
    “If we don’t get her awake
    she is never going to
    have this baby!”

    Then: “It’s a girl!”

    53 years later
    my twenty-year-old granddaughter
    takes off on a bicycle
    as a sinking feeling
    of fear
    flashed fast across my face

    Of course, she was right
    I would have let her brothers go—
    without so much as a second thought

    But the Viburnum will bloom
    again and again
    unlike a young girl’s innocence

    Debra Basham 03-18-2019

    See Processing.

    Pearl Bailey says there’s a period of life where we swallow a knowledge of ourselves and it becomes either good or sour inside.

    Bailey’s words sing the truth. I had come from a legacy of women who had worn the shackles of sexual shame. My mother had a first marriage she did not tell us about, and I did not learn until I was in my forties that she had discovered she had a sexually transmitted disease at the same time she found out she was pregnant for me.

    I became pregnant on New Years Eve, three weeks before I turned sweet sixteen on January 22, 1966. I got married, and I was forced to leave high school in tenth grade. (See Loved and Wanted: Listen to Your Mother.)

    My daughter, and my granddaughter have carried that legacy of sexual shame, but none of us need carry it any longer. It is time for all women to be free….

    A Course In Miracles

    LESSON 60

    God is the Love in which I forgive.

    God does not forgive because He has never condemned. The blameless cannot blame, and those who have accepted their inno­cence see nothing to forgive. Yet forgiveness is the means by which I will recognize my innocence. It is the reflection of God’s Love on earth. It will bring me near enough to Heaven that the Love of God can reach down to me and raise me up to Him.

    I do not have written permission to share these words from Each Day a New Beginning: Daily Meditations for Women by Karen Casey © 1982, 1991 by Hazelden Foundation, but the message must be shared:

    For too many of us, feelings of shame, even self-hatred, are paramount. No one of us has a fully untarnished past. Every man, every woman, even every child experiences regret over some action. We are not perfect. Perfection is not expected in the Divine plan. But we are expected to take our experiences and grow from them, to move beyond the shame of them, to celebrate what they have taught us.

    Each day offers us a fresh start at assimilating all that we have been. What has gone before enriches who we are now, and through the many experiences we’ve survived, we have been prepared to help others, to smooth the way for another woman, perhaps, who is searching for a new direction.

    We can let go of our shame and know instead that it sweetens the nuggets of the wisdom we can offer to others. We are alike. We are not without faults. Our trials help another to smoother sailing.

    I will relish the joy at hand. I can share my wisdom. All painful pasts brighten someone’s future, when openly shared.

  • Fleas!

    Those who know me well know I am a real cat lover. I don’t have a cat right now, but I wrote a poem about trying to woo a barn cat into the house. It was inspired by “What a Figure Can Do!” (Craft Tip 14, page 118-125) from The Crafty Poet: A Portable Workshop, by Diane Lockward. The exercise was to write a love poem using figurative language, but not to a lover.

    Unrequited Affection

    You prowl under the moonlight,
    another of those sleepless nights for both of us,
    so I snack on molasses cookies as you eat the dinner I left for you

    Sun peeks over the barn roof as the rooster crows
    You and I watch each other warily
    questioning the ability to trust one another completely

    We deny what we instinctively yearn for
    afraid of letting ourselves fall wantonly
    into a committed relationship

    When I do sleep soundly
    I am dreaming of holding you against my breast
    someday maybe you will be able to surrender totally to that love

    Coyotes are within ear shot now
    we are both afraid
    I know I am safe inside, but I hope you quickly hide

    I saw you moments after your birth
    Watched your sweet momma lose her girth
    Buried her in the rain while you watched from a safe distance

    Neither of us has a mother,
    we both lost a brother,
    and we are not yet sure about each other

    Tomorrow morning I will run my fingers along
    the edge of the porch where the dew left your foot prints
    perhaps my scent will call you to me; I guess I will just have to wait and see

    This is no game of cat and mouse,
    I am a woman used to getting what I want, and
    I want a cat who lives in my house!

    Cats bring out something in me that can only be called LOVE. I talk kitty-talk in a high-pitched voice. I go to businesses where cats live just to visit them. I scratch cats under their chin with my finger nails, and I give them kitty-massage. I breathe as they purr.

    But this week my cat-loving has been complicated by fleas!

    Joel’s three cats have fleas. He has a big house and lots of “soft-cloth” surfaces where larva and eggs and babies of fleas can hide. Early this spring when his boy cat, Zeus, was no longer allowed to go outdoors, Joel thought flea prevention was no longer necessary. Well, we now knows fleas can live without a blood source for 100 days….

    Fleas in the carpet, fleas on the couch. Fleas on my slippers, biting me – OUCH!

    As I began helping with the necessary clean up and treatment while I was in Kalamazoo, I felt overwhelmed, frustrated, exhausted, and fearful what we were doing was not enough. I was feeling all of that, but I did not want to waste the pain. All those emotions were stirred up in me so as I cleaned, I began to intentionally release times in our past when I felt those feelings. I know it as releasing karma. My actions were no longer mundane. I was not just cleaning house, I was purging body and soul. I was living forgiveness.

    Joel told the members of our book club he had never seen anyone fly into cleaning mode like I did. About 2 o’clock, when we stopped long enough to have some lunch, he was exhausted. I told him to go take a nap and he and Zeus took me up on it. They slept for about three hours as I finished up and showered.

    Life can be difficult and sometimes downright painful. And frustrating, and exhausting. There is no denying that being human is not easy. But there is so much more to life than the mundane. We are not merely human. I am grateful Joel would allow himself to go rest. He needed it. Over the years we have worked together I have contributed to pain for him. We have had misunderstandings, unskillful interactions, and awkward moments. I was cleaning up saddness, remorse, and shame. Like the eggs and larva of fleas, those things can come back to bite you unless you clean them up. Even if all we are doing is dusting and vaccumming, we can do what needs to be done with love.

    I looked up “Flea Animal Totem” online. One of the websites had this to say:
    Flea shows those of us who have felt victimized or powerless that we really do have tremendous influence, agility, self-preservation and protection abilities.

    Flea reminds us of our resilience. The harsh criticism of others may scratch away at our self-esteem, but nothing can crush our spirits if we define ourselves from within. By seeing how big we are inside, instead of focusing on small-minded insults or transgressions from without, we harness our inner strength and can fly even without wings.

    Cultivate your psychological faith and the door to your imagination will be open. Trust yourself and do not underestimate your own ability to bring about change or action.

  • Shoo Shoo Shame

    Listening to a podcast titled “Empty Out the Negative” by Joel Olsteen this morning has my process stirred. Of course, that stirring began before today. A few days ago, as the sorting, purging, packing and staging continued here on Lincoln Avenue, I found the following penciled-in note in the back of my first NIV bible. A bible gifted to me by my friend Rick, who has since died of AIDS.

    My precious notes are barely legible but an internet search attributed a significant quotation to Dr. Ray Anderson, published in Proclaiming the Scandal of the Cross: Contemporary Images of the Atonement, page 147, by Mark D. Baker:

    Shame is the perceived loss of our place with others. Those who have the power to create our history have the power to make us feel worthy or unworthy at the core of our being. Since our being is dependent upon how others view us, we feel shame as loss of being. It is this deep sense of shame, which seems to deprive us of our very right to exist, that drives many over the edge of guilt to suicide.

    Shame is a sense I have been all too familiar with in this life. Many of you know the story of my conception and birth and teenage pregnancy (Loved and Wanted: Listen to Your Mother Southwest Michigan 2016). The idea of our need to empty out the negative in order to enjoy the positive is what I appreciated most in Olseen’s podcast.

    If your life is filled with frustration, anger, sadness, resentment, guilt or any other unpleasant emotional states, little space is left for life to fill in all the good stuff. Olsteen offered the metaphor of a catheter draining the body of toxins to our need to release stored toxic emotions through forgiveness.

    I agreed wholeheartedly with Olsteen that forgiveness is something you do for yourself, not for the one thought to have done you wrong. However, him saying we don’t have to seek vindication because God is the judge drew my heart back to a line at the bottom of the page of penciled notes: “Remember Christ died for my sins, not because of them.”

    While releasing toxic emotions, best to let go of any stubborn toxic theology, too.