Debra Basham

Living and Loving

Tag: self care

  • Compassion is Not a Luxury

    We live in a time when science is validating
    what humans have known throughout the ages:
    that compassion is not a luxury;
    it is a necessity for our well-being,
    resilience,
    and survival.

    ~ Roshi Joan Halifax

    This morning I saw a headline “How Next Door Neighbors With Different Political Views Have Stayed Friends.” The photo shows a driveway with a Biden sign on one side and a Trump sign on the other. By each of the political signs was a sign of compassion.

    Handmade yard signs with arrows, reading ‘We (Heart) Them,’ stand alongside opposing political signs in the Mitchell and Gates front yards in Mt. Lebanon, a suburb of Pittsburgh.

    Last evening my dharma buddy said John and I are the macrocosm and microcosm. Macrocosm and microcosm refers to a realization that a part reflects the whole and vice versa. Think about a wave in the ocean.

    The Mitchell and Gates households are also the macrocosm and microcosm.

    I received an email of cartoons about President Trump this morning. A wave of nausea arose as I saw the depth of unkindness of the content. In Traveling Mercies: Some Thoughts on Faith, Anne Lamott writes, “Not forgiving is like drinking rat poison and then waiting for the rat to die.”

    You may have heard that same sentiment expressed about anger: anger is like eating the poison and expecting the rat to die.

    We can add: lack of compassion is like eating rat poison and expecting the rat to die.

    If you wonder how you can allow compassion to arise, especially in those times and circumstances where it is clear we do not see things the same way, search Quotes Disagreement. Here are a few helpful hints:

      Bertrand Russell:
      “Love is wise; hatred is foolish. In this world, which is getting more and more closely interconnected, we have to learn to tolerate each other, we have to learn to put up with the fact that some people say things that we don’t like. We can only live together in that way. But if we are to live together, and not die together, we must learn a kind of charity and a kind of tolerance, which is absolutely vital to the continuation of human life on this planet.”

      Friedrich Nietzsche:
      “He who cannot put his thoughts on ice should not enter into the heat of dispute.”

      Criss Jami:
      “Together, we form a necessary paradox; not a senseless contradiction.”

      Jonathan Swift:
      “That was excellently observed’, say I, when I read a passage in an author, where his opinion agrees with mine. When we differ, there I pronounce him to be mistaken.”

    These are not new concepts. However, all that is happening in the collective calls forth a need to live these values humanity holds in common, even when we have very different opinions: Judge not, that ye be not judged. For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you. Matthew 7:1-3 (KJV)

    I just posted a link to a very timely article titled, “No Time For Self-Care? Try These Snack-Size Habits,” on the Imagine Healing Facebook page. For those who do not have access to Facebook, trust me (or follow the link to scan the list of great suggestions for yourself) this is doable. Take a nap. Breathe slowly. Watch a favorite movie. Take a bath. Write in a journal. Exercise. Sing.

    Self-care — like compassion, is not a luxury….

    And a lovely reminder at the close of the article: You don’t have to do everything, but doing something small each day can and will have a cumulative effect on your capacity to deal with “the new normal,” “tremendous uncertainty,” and “unprecedented times.”

    Deep Spring Center
    Thought for Today

    We do not state with an initial ego intention, ‘I’m going to save the world,’ but rather we start with the loving intention to see how we can dance with others and with the Earth and with spirit to co-create deeper peace and well-being for all sentient beings. We invite ourselves to be open and listen, to be guided, rather than having the ego dictate, ‘No, it should be this way.’ When you do this you find there truly are no limitations.

    We need the comfort
    and solace
    of each other’s
    presence!
    ~ Joan Borysenko

  • Sovereignty

    “The whole problem with people
    is that they know what matters,
    but they don’t choose it.”
    — Sue Monk Kidd

    I was sharing with a precious friend about how her current role as a caregiver for her husband is similar to a mom’s taking care of an infant. The aura of the person being cared for is dependent upon the aura of the caregiver. If the mom is anxious, angry, exhausted, or frustrated, the baby reacts, because they are essentially sharing an aura. This also occurs at the other end of life….

    I heard myself say to her, “We spend most of our lives believing that we have to sacrifice ourselves for those we love, only to come to understand that the most loving thing we can do for those we love is to take good care of ourselves.”

    I spent several hours online with some amazing folks in North Carolina who work for an organization called Reintegration Support Network, “RSN is an emerging project that aims to provide continuing assistance to young people who have successfully completed substance abuse treatment programs*. It seeks to provide a sobriety-oriented support structure to increase chances of continued sobriety.”

    The aim is to be heart-centered and genuinely present in a transformation way with those who have suffered the pain of addiction. Of course, this hits very close to home for me with my nephew, and dear friends who have adult sons still working through the damage that can be done to lives by substance abuse. We are not alone, millions worldwide are touched….

    One of the men online, Will, is now the RSN Volunteer & Outreach Coordinator. He previously spent 25 years in prison. The most recent newsletter says this about him: William took this time to grow, getting his GED and reading hundreds of books while mentoring troubled youth.

    None of these words fully express what I felt from Will. His compassion obviously has come as a direct result of having grown from his own pain.

    The facilitator of the gathering had the group do a distant healing for my nephew. As part of that, each participant was instructed to “go inside” and receive a message.

    Each message was precious. I made notes and my sister will share those with him. He is being released again on Monday.

    This was Will’s message: “The pressure is not real. It’s an illusion.”

    All this brings to mind a handout about our growth from dependency to being at choice I created for a 2004 workshop series called RX Gratitude.

    Dependent: “I can’t do it alone.”
    Thought virus: “I CAN’T do this.”
    “If you don’t do this for me, you don’t love me.”
    “If you do this for me, you love me.”
    Result: Leaves the individual with the perception that love is conditional.
    Positive intent: Survival
    Emotions range from helpless to trusting

    Counter Dependent: “I will find a way to do it alone.”
    Thought virus: “I WON’T depend on anyone.”
    “Others cannot be trusted.”
    “Needing help is a sign of weakness or deficiency.”
    Result: Leaves the individual with the perception that love is risky.
    Positive intent: Determination
    Emotions range from anger to optimism

    Independent: “I can do it alone.”
    Thought virus: “I MIGHT not ask for help.”
    “If I refuse to let you help me, you will feel bad.”
    “If I let you help me, I am denying the truth.”
    Result: Leaves the individual with the perception that love is sacrifice.
    Positive intent: Confidence
    Emotions range from sadness to triumph

    Interdependent: “I cannot do it alone because I cannot be alone.”
    Thought virus: “I CAN be responsible.”
    “If I am responsible, you are not.”
    “Even if I am responsible, I cannot feel a sense of accomplishment because I know others are responsible too.”
    Result: Leaves the individual with a perception that love is self-denying.
    Positive intent: Connection
    Emotions range from rebellion to optimism

    Choice: “I WILL choose to experience this any way I wish knowing that my experience (map) does not dictate what is (territory).”
    “Whatever happens, I will survive.”
    “I may not win, but I cannot lose, because every experience produces learning.”
    Result: Leaves the individual with the perception that they are supported.
    Positive intent: Sovereignty
    Emotions range from peace to bliss

    It seems this post should close with another Sue Monk Kidd quotation, reminding us of the importance of genuine self love. From Traveling With Pomegranates: A Mother-Daughter Story:

    “My children have always existed at the deepest center of me, right there in the heart/hearth, but I struggled with the powerful demands of motherhood, chafing sometimes at the way they pulled me away from my separate life, not knowing how to balance them with my unwieldy need for solitude and creative expression.”

    Now that is sovereignty….