Debra Basham

Living and Loving

Tag: Morning Prayer

  • Transient Global Amnesia

    I will surrender to my greatest highest good.
    I will release any fear that blocks my way.
    For every step I take is taken in pure faith,
    And I am stronger every moment every day.

    (Lyrics) Morning Prayer, I Surrender by Karen Drucker

    In 2012, following the hysterechtomy to remove a 22 cm ovarian mass, I experienced a temporary lack of the normal muscle contractions of the intestines (ileus). Relief did not fully occur until a dear friend did Reiki on me. We laughed that she was able to Reiki the $h!t out of me. To this day, every bowl movement is accompanied by a real-time jolt of joy. It reminds me of a toddler’s excitement at going potty.

    Wednesday morning, June 22, 2022, seemed like a normal day. I did some meditation and went for a bike ride. I really was riding as a way of “getting back on the horse” after having taken a tumble on Monday morning. A serious case of road rash on my arm and hand resulted.

    After I got back from my ride, I was able to proofread a piece for a friend, and I said goodbye to John as he left for his physical therapy appointment. Very soon after that, I was miraculously able to phone Linda Gunter, saying I had been trying to pay some bills but was feeling very confused.

    Medical phobia (a result of womb and childhood trauma) has been a constant companion. My “career” of mind-body work was an outgrowth of seeking and sharing with others tools that gave me relief. I ended up in ER and was admitted to the hospital for a stroke-workup. I am relieved to report that ALL of the tests show no stroke, no brain bleed, no seizure.

    The diagnosis: Transient Global Amnesia. A common feature of transient global amnesia includes repetitive questioning, usually of the same question. Mine was, “Did I have a bike accident?”

    Tears come to my eyes easily, including as I write this morning. I have about 8 hours of my life I do not have any recall of, but, more importantly, I have a long-lasting sense of relief and gratitude and freedom from fear of medical things.

    On Friday morning, June 17, I had done some off-road riding, and because I rode in the opposite direction of my normal route, I came upon a remarkable fawn corpse. Regardless of the obvious fact that the lower body of the fawn had been eaten, the fawn exuded innocence, and beauty, and peace. I have previously shared the photo with a few people. I was so moved, and I knew I would write about it, but I had no idea what else was to come forth.

    A doe corpse I saw on my ride Monday morning was the exact opposite of the fawn. The doe had been killed by a car. The stench of fear, terror, anguish hung heavily in the air. Just as was the peace of the fawn corpse, this fear of the doe corpse was “palpable.”

    I knew in that instant a profound truth: a fragrance of our life and our death “lingers.”

    Transient global amnesia can be caused by a stroke or a seizure, but it can also be a result of stress, anxiety, or high blood pressure. This “Molotov cocktail” has been my poison for so long. The neurologist said you can think of TGA like when a circuit breaker pops, or when your computer system reboots.

    My entire life has been plagued by fear. I learned that fear in the womb, then it was amplified at age five when I was treated for polio by being placed in isolation. Never having previously been separated from my mother, that hospitalization was traumatic for both of us. IT WAS THE VERY SAME HOSPITAL I WAS TAKEN TO THIS WEEK.

    I recognize and honor the good that has come as a result of all of my life challenges, but I am profoundly grateful of the recent unfolding. My greatest fear had been that I would be a “bad” witness at the time of my death. I yearned to be able to welcome my return to spirit with joy — with the innocence and beauty and peace of the fawn. I know the continuity of consciousness is real. I want to be a way-shower in my death as well as in my life.

    According to the information from Mayo Clinic, transient global amnesia has no direct complications. It’s not a risk factor for stroke or epilepsy. It’s possible to have a second episode of transient global amnesia, but it’s extremely rare to have more than two.

    After a major stroke took her left brain off-line, Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor (My Stroke of Insight) was able to rewire her brain without the fear. Our book club read her book, and, if her story is new to you, you will love her TED talk (which has been viewed over 28 million times). I had the honor of seeing her speak in person a number of years ago. She has certainly taken full advantage of her adversity.

    On Wednesday night, in a hilarious Train of Care, John and Linda and Larry left me at the hospital.

    The train pulled out leaving me alone, but not afraid. So many people were holding me in prayer and love and light, and I could feel it. During the night, a guy pulled out his IV and I could hear the nurses saying there was blood everywhere. Someone with a trach tube kept having to be suctioned out. I heard people crying out in pain or confusion. Inside of me, I could hear beautiful sounds of love. I played Karen Druker’s Morning Prayer. I softened and felt the peace that passes understanding.

    One of the women in my small dharma group shared this:

    Debra. I just wanted to share with you that when you were in the hospital, I was sitting and sending you energy and support, and I had one of the more powerful experiences I’ve had of being filled with energy, light and love, feeling it move through my body as a vessel toward you, surrounding you in love. . . I do wonder if all sitting in prayer that way, we joined together in that 5th dimensional healing, of sangha. With love, Lisa

    (Worth mentioning is how having just gone through a stroke work-up with John two months ago, my experience was less “unknown” and I know that supported this miracle of release of fear. One friend said she could see it as a “sacred contract” he and I came in to this life with. It certainly is sacred.)

    Every time I recall something mundane, such as when John could not remember the name of a child who came to music on Thursday evening. I told him her name is Sophie and I got an immediate jolt of joy!

    Terror Gone Away… I think that is how I will remember this TGA.

  • Midnite’s Purple Petunia Plant

    From my journal:

      Friday, June 3, 2022

      Dear Holy Spirit,

      I am listening to a podcast by Ram Dass. (Ep. 199: The Continuity of Consciousness)

      “Somewhere between not enough and more seems to be enough.”

      At least a few moments go by before i have a thought about Joel — that’s progress. I have heard nothing from him since last Sunday evening when he sent email saying he was on the floor in his bedroom and could not get up.

      Ram says the concept ‘I am meditating’ is still “rush collecting.” He continues:

      You have been born many times and many times you have died and each time you have died you have struggled against death. You have said: “Why me? Save me. Heal me! Do whatever you need to do, doctor: Transplant, freeze, do whatever needs to be done. Cut. Mend. But keep me here.”

      And you hold desperately to the bed sheets and you struggle against it. And then you’re dead. And then a voice says to you, “Hello.”

      And then you say, “I guess I didn’t die.”

      And the voice says, “Oh, to the contrary, you are quite dead.”

      Time and time again, death after death, you have rejected that voice, and stayed in what the Christians called purgatory. You stayed in a state of confusion between births.

      (Ram Dass uses the term ‘veil of illusion’ — I’ve never heard that. I’ve heard the other side of the veil but I’ve not heard it said that it is the veil of illusion.)

      2/5 of the population of America have had transcendent, mystical experiences. That is 40 million people. Of those 40 million people, a sampling shows that 85% said, “It was the most powerful experience of my life and I never want to have another one.”

      For only some of the people, when they see through that veil, they are able to utilize that new awareness… And when you are really ripe, that one millisecond changes your whole life from now on — that lifetime. And when you are really ready, that one moment makes you say, “From here on all I wish to do now is to get free.”

      Now, when you have started to awaken in a particular lifetime, and then you die, you say, “I don’t want to die, I don’t want to die,” and then you are dead and somebody says welcome and you say I guess I didn’t die and they say yes you did and you are confused and then that moment of that previous birth when you awakened comes to you and you say, “Ah, right, this is what that was about.”

      (I have the awareness that suffering is grace.)

      Up until that time, you’ve been seeking to optimize pleasure.

      A birth is like a process of getting you straight or cleaning you up or awakening you…. You are part of a far more interesting game which you begin to be aware of in terms of your own identity….

      The meaning of every act in life starts to change. You look at all of it as process for awakening, for cleaning up your game. You don’t begrudge your history — no matter how neurotic it has been — for it has in it the stuff which has created the space you are in at this moment which allows you to hear right now.

      (I notice that I am trying too hard as I am chopping vegetables for quiche and then I hear, “Let the tool do the work.”)

      That may be the lesson of the power washer. No amount of stress or strain enhances the work. I hear that the central message again and again as I continue. No amount of effort forces sleep. No amount of worry produces peace. No amount of effort produces clarity. One cannot TRY oneself to anything.

      My mind recognizes that we can aim. A – I – M. Already is (or always is) mentality.

      Peace already is like the sun is always shining. Peace always is. Love always is. Light always is. Nothing we can do “makes” it.

      I realize consciousness is also a tool. I feel fluttering in my heart as I write this sentence.

    My blood pressure continues to be quite high, although I have had two readings over the past week and a half that would be considered normal.

    I am on Zoom attending the year-end “intensive” right now. Perhaps additional insight is to emerge during these five days. This morning’s Thought for Today from Aaron is quite interesting for me:

    Whatever it is that you’re praying for, be it health or well-being of yourself or for a loved one or whatever the prayer-intention may be, that innate perfection is always there. If you approach it from a place of fear, you keep manifesting the distortion. When you come back to the place of love, you center yourself in love and invite others to take hold of the strands with you and pray with you from that same place of love. Energetically they’re weaving together with you, weaving together a tapestry of healing with you, of growth, of love, of joy. So this is the power of prayer.

    I find it fascinating that I had just written the string about always there. Plus, when I first started my practice in Healing Touch, I named my business “Tapestry” with the tag line weaving together the threads of body, mind, and spirit. Also on the card: For when you are ready.

    I am ready.

    From my journal:

      Saturday, June 4, 2022

      Dear Holy Spirit,

      Very much aware of anticipatory stress. I am willing. I ask Alexa to play Karen Drucker’s “Morning Prayer: I will surrender to my greatest highest good.”

      As I listen, I am aware of a sensation in my left jaw and my right thumb. I look up the Louise Hay meaning of thumb and it is about intellect and worry. The affirmation is “my mind is at peace.”

      I look online and find the five hindrances. One is restlessness and worry. Uddhacca, defined as a mental factor characterized by disquietude, like water whipped by the wind.

      I imagine my body as a wide container where the energy is allowed to bounce around freely like a pinball machine. As I am sitting with the sensations and allowing them to bounce around, the sensations settle on their own.

    Joan is online from the hospital, where her husband, Bob, is in very serious condition. I have the precious memory of John’s and my experience of being held in this sangha’s awakened heart while he was in the hospital with the TIA during the Emerald Isle retreat in April. A profound awareness washes over me that if one was to complete the transition back to non-physical, this is an ideal place to do that.

    From Gratefulness.org: Pay attention. Be astonished. Tell about it. (Mary Oliver)

    Perhaps a perfect image to remind me is Midnite’s purple petunia plant. Every one of these variations arise from one plant.