Debra Basham

Living and Loving

Tag: Jessica Ortner

  • The Way Forward

    Last evening as I was crawling in to bed, I checked the Facebook page of my niece. She is an amazingly inspiring woman, and often I am uplifted by the video-to-music posts of the “nature” of her life: cats, dogs, butterflies, moths, and (more recently again) chickens. Last night’s post was not of the same emotional tone:

      Things are quiet and sad in the coop tonight, and it’s hard to hold back tears. For the first time ever, we experienced a dog attack on our flock, and 9 of them were killed. One more is showing signs of shock or internal injuries, and I’m not sure she’s going to pull through.
      The dog belongs to a young couple who live at the farm across the field. The dog had had been doing fine off-leash on their property, and was far enough away that she couldn’t even see our place. For whatever reason, she wandered farther away this afternoon, and saw our chickens. By the time Brian could get out to catch her, she had killed 9 of them. With 60+ in the flock, and several of each kind in most cases, it’s hard to know which ones I lost. I do know I lost one of my little silkies that I adore. I’m worried that I’ll have a moment of realizing certain favorites are gone.
      Even though I don’t ever want the dog to be able to come onto our property again, I still feel really sad for her because of the freedom she’ll lose because of this. And I feel sad for her owners, too. It’s never a good feeling when your dog does something that causes pain for someone else. I told them I didn’t want them to view her differently. She just followed instincts, and had no idea what her actions would cause.
      It had already been a difficult few days because of three wild animal deaths I witnessed. I tried to turn my car around to save a young groundhog that was wandering on the road – only to watch another car hit it. I picked up the box turtle that had badly injured by a car, took it to Paw Paw to a vet that works with replies. Found out later its injuries were too severe, and it had to be put to sleep. Then I saw a post about baby raccoons who were displaced when workers cut down a tree. The babies were scared and running back and forth across the road. By the time I got there, two of them had already been killed on the road, and I couldn’t find any other ones.
      All of that being said, I’m just really grieving tonight. Loving animals brings some real pain along with all the joy.

    All of this comes along with preparations I am navigating for my being blessed to guest pastor at St. John UCC again — this time on the 29th anniversary of my ordination July 12, 1997. The theme of this sharing is “The Way Forward.”

    I wrote to my niece right away saying I was awake if she needed to talk. When I did not hear back from her I continued to pray as sleep came.

    Awake VERY early, I found the opening paragraph timely in Barbara Brodsky’s blog post: “I’ve been looking at feelings of powerlessness this morning. What is power? Are we ever truly without it? These pictures are not about my garden but about life, about all the things I feel are out of control. When that ‘no control’ feeling comes, it’s the inner contraction and negativity that really stops me, and creates a blockage of energy, much more than any external force.”

    I also saw an invitation to a 3-day program by Heart Mind Institute, DAY 1: Effort Doesn’t Calm the Nervous System. Before I left my bed, I listened and then did the Surrogate Tapping exercise by Jessica Ortner of The Tapping Solution.

    After a cup of tea, I posted the video my niece posted about her loss on my Facebook page with this message: “Asking for prayers. Knowing she recognizes that great wonderful gifts can come from unthinkable losses. Years ago she lost a beloved horse and her home schooling classroom in a barn fire. Out of those ashes a youth ranch was born. This devastation can also birth breathtaking beauty. Prayers for her and all involved as our human emotions can be sooooooo challenging.”

    All of this is totally intimately related to how I came to be ordained a Minister of Reunion and the message I plan to share about the way forward….

  • Holy Holons

    On Friday I could feel that my blood pressure was high. I began to affirm: I choose to release this pattern within me that has contributed to this situation.

    Boom!

    I am 12 years old again — August 1962 — in the auto accident with my dad. I am reliving all the terror at the scene. I allow myself to feel the feelings. I begin to cry out, “Daddy, are you OK?” and to no one in particular, “Make them stop!” asking them to make the sirens stop.

    Listening to an interview with Iyanla Vanzant on Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT/tapping), I put the blood pressure cuff on my arm and took my blood pressure.

    I did that over and over as I invited release of this life-time pattern of fear.

    My dad’s feet were in the floorboard on the driver’s side of the car, but shattered flesh from my forehead prevented my being able to see them. To the best of my memory, I did not see my dad until a day or so later when he came to the hospital to see me.

    I allowed myself emotional space to cry out as I tapped.

    Ilyana says one must expand and increase our emotional library. Jessica Ortner (The Tapping Solution) said it is about developing a vocabulary so we can speak out. “This is the feeling I’m having right now. I’ll get through this but right now this is what I am feeling.”

    I wrote in my journal: “I am mourning. I’m feeling something from when I was five years old.”

    And, “I forgive myself for believing that ______ still has power over my life.”

    I took 1/2 of one of the anxiety pills my doctor prescribed.

    I tapped a lot.

    I cried some.

    On Saturday, John had an off day and that intersected with my heightened state. We were neither truly skillful, but this morning we were both able to speak compassionately and affirm our loving connection.

    Jerry Ashmore’s dharma talk was about how the Heart Sutra is a conceptual torpedo in that it demolishes dualism. Jerry said, “Every time you think you are isolated, you are delusional.”

    “Form is emptiness (śūnyatā), emptiness is form.” (from the English Heart Sutra)

    Nothing lasts forever. We know that. But…. as Ilanya describes it, every time we revisit the story we punish ourselves.

    During the sharing after the meditation and the dharma talk one woman was saying how she was having difficulty getting free of rumination and depression. Jerry said, “The witness is free. No anxiety, no fear, no hatred.”

    Totally free.

    Jerry spoke about a holon. A holon is something that is simultaneously a whole in and of itself, as well as a part of a larger whole. He said each of us is a holon, simultaneously a whole as well as a part of a larger whole.

    I passed along Thich Nhat Hanh’s MANTRA FOR DEALING WITH STRONG EMOTIONS:

    Make sure you remember to physically “BREATHE IN” or “BREATHE OUT” at the appropriate place when reciting each line; as the actual breath in or out is part of activating the Energy.

    The “operative word” of the Mantra replaces the strong emotion being worked on, with its appropriate name: Fear, Anger, Anxiety, Impatience, Judgment of self or others, etc. The example uses the word Fear. Good to remember that sometimes anger is an unknown component of the fear a person may be holding, because they have not been able to control or Fix It.

      Breathing In, I am aware of the fear,

      Breathing Out, I smile to the fear (yes, these are the appropriate words);

      Breathing In, I recognize fear as Energy,

      Breathing Out, I express Gratitude for Energy;

      Breathing In, Energy and Fear are Power,

      Breathing Out, I can safely hold Power;

      Breathing In, Power supports Wholesome Change,

      Breathing Out, I Invite That, which is for The Highest Good!

    I am not sure we ever talked about it so I can only imagine my dad’s terror at the scene.

    My dad I I are simultaneously a whole as well as a part of a larger whole.

    Breathing Out, I Invite That, which is for The Highest Good!

    Holy holons!

  • I Surrender

    Entry from my journal: Tuesday, January 18, 2022 @ 3:37 am:

    Dear Holy Spirit,

    I am awake and in the TV room listening to Karen Drucker’s “I Surrender.”

      I will surrender to my greatest highest good.

      I will release every fear that’s in my way…

      and I am grateful every moment of every day.

    I spoke with my doctor late last evening. I had called because my blood pressure had spiked the past few days. At home in my pantry is a prescription bottle of an anti-anxiety medication she prescribed for me in 2017 when this had happened. I took one once, and I have carried one with me in my purse every day since. I took 1/2 on Sunday, and 1/2 on Monday, but the pressure was still elevated when Linda B/G checked it last evening.

    I love that my doctor knows my blood pressure goes up because of anxiety, rather than thinking it is organic. When she prescribed the anti-anxiety medication in 2017, she said, “Anxiety driven blood pressure doesn’t respond well to the classes of medications normally used to lower blood pressure.” And that list is long: Diuretics; Beta-blockers; ACE inhibitors; and Vasodilators, just to name a few.

    Of course, John’s recent experience of having had severe “silent” coronary artery disease (CAD) has triggered my childhood pattern of being terrified of all things medical. Now that we are home and things are moving along smoothly, this current tremendous anxiety is a result of my having just gone through everything with him. Waking up early Saturday morning to not-one-but-two tornado warnings blasting on our phones probably added insult to injury…

    My doctor said she is not worried about me. She has years of good blood pressure readings taken in her office by her nurse. She assured me they have done research about the spouse of a heart patient going through this sort of thing.

    I took 1/2 of one 2mg Valium (with permission) and I went to bed optimistic about getting a good night’s sleep. I went to sleep, but I woke up in massive ANXIETY. While there were no conscious thoughts of scary things, I could feel my body in high alert, totally overrun with adrenaline.

    I grabbed my phone, popped in my earbuds, and began tapping along with some Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) audios. After a couple of shorts — including Tapping Universal Reversals — without much measurable benefit. Then I tapped through FEELING SAFE IN YOUR BODY with Nick Ortner. During the 6 minute 50 second closing I began to feel a shift. I repeated that part. I repeated it again. And again.

    Conditions came to mind: womb trauma when my mom had syphilis and was a terrified inpatient; being traumatized by hospitalization in isolation after the diagnosis of polio at age five; the out-of-body experience at age 12 when I was in the auto accident; the terror I felt during the trip to Europe in 2011. An avalanche of more minor situations that reveal the deeper structure of anxiety also came forth in my mind. When one is driven by amygdala hijacking, even choosing the ‘right’ color of paint can feel like a life-or-death situation.

    I felt my body releasing the pattern and welcoming bliss back.

    My niece, who has recently shared her life-long struggle with anxiety and depression, came to my mind over and over. I had said to John a few day ago I was feeling like I need to reach out to her.

    My nephew, who has used drugs to combat severe anxiety, resulting in his having multiple incarcerations, came to mind.

    And so many others….

    I began listening to the Surrogate Tapping audio, and I said out loud to myself, “I dedicate the merit of this to all who suffer from anxiety…” Jesica Ortner’s words encircled my body and soothed my mind:

    …. This is a blessing in disguise and I am so grateful…. I let go of my need to control this situation….

    I can feel some hints of integration as I listen.

    ….As I heal in the presence of darkness, we are all uplifted….

    I wonder if this pattern of fear and anxiety might actually be a part of our collective divine mission.

    ….I no longer live the lie; the lie that I don’t have what it takes; the lie that others don’t have what it takes….

    I can still hear the refrain of Karen Drucker singing I surrender to my greatest highest good in the background of my mind’s ear. I can feel myself breathing! I look and my heart rate on my Fitbit is showing 67 beats per minute!

    My grandson, Brad, comes to mind. He has spoken of his own awareness of this pattern of anxiety-driven achievement.

    ….This person has what it takes to have what they want….I have faith that this person I love will do what’s right for them. The outcome is greater than I could have ever imagined so I let go of my need to predict. I let go of my need to control. Everything is in divine order. I am grateful for this situation for it helps me learn and grow. I am grateful for this situation for it helps me learn and grow. I’m grateful for this blessing in disguise. I’m grateful for this blessing in disguise.

    When the surrogate tapping audio is finished, I open my email and read two “Thought-for-today” messages that speak directly to my current experience.

    Look around, look around at how lucky we are to be alive right now. ~ Lin-Manuel Miranda (from Gratefulness.org)

    Get to know fear. What is fear? It’s very interesting. Fear is always about what might happen, not much about what’s happening right now. When you’re present in the moment there may be discomfort, even real pain or sadness, but not a lot of fear. Fear is about your projections. ~ Aaron (from Deep Spring Center for Meditation)

    And when I turn on the computer to write this Yellow Brick Road post, this is the random screen saver image I am looking at. And I surrender to my greatest highest good….

  • The Voice of Assurance

    Some of us are fond of saying “the devil made me do it” when we’ve done something we’re not too proud of.

    We might as well say “the ego made me do it” because the ego is our own personal “devil.”

    In God’s Care by Karen Casey

    I certainly experienced that devilish ego on Friday. I have been privileged to spend time with my nephew as he is stabilizing being a contributing member of society following time incarcerated. Old patterns revealed themselves in unwholesome ways as I pulled tightly his financial reins I had been recently entrusted to.

    Casey says, “Sometimes we like to claim that we weren’t in complete control of our actions, that we were overcome by an irresistible urge. We can’t, however, say that with a clear conscience. At one time in our addictive past, maybe, but not now. Now, we can be responsible. An urge can overcome us only to the extent that we let it – only as we give it the power of believing in it.”

    Ego would have us believe we (or others) are weak, vulnerable, without what we need. Believing these lies can make us afraid. Ego makes us afraid. I was feeling very afraid.

    Even thought I was feeling afraid, I was afraid for him, not afraid of him. Nonetheless, the way I know ego had taken hold and I was in fear not love is that my blood pressure shot sky high.

    Another quotation from, In God’s Care, “We have a choice. We can listen to the voice of our ego or the voice of God. How can we tell the difference? By how we feel. The ego’s urgings always leave us with some misgivings. God’s guidance assures us.”

    To help me begin to listen to the voice of assurance, I put my feet in some warm water, grabbed my earbuds, and tapped through her Surrogate Tapping Meditation with Jessica Ortner.

    (Note: If you are new to tapping or want a reminder, the locations you will be rotating through with each phrase as you tap along with Jessica include: (1) the karate point on the side of your hand, (2) the point where your eyebrow begins, (3) the point where your eyebrow ends, (4) under your eye, (5) under your nose, (6) on your chin crease, (7) along your collar bone, (8) under your arm, (9) and on the top of your head.)

    Please only do this when you are sincere about saying, “I infuse this situation with love… I let go of my need to control… I infuse this situation with hope… I have faith that there is a greater good behind this situation… Nothing needs to be fixed… Everything is working in a greater order… This person has inside what they need… As I see their gifts and power, they begin to see that themselves… This is a blessing in disguise… As I laugh in the presence of darkness, we are brought into the light… As I smile in the presence of darkness, we are all uplifted… Even though I perceive this situation as a bad one I have faith that there is a greater good behind this… I live in my truth… The truth that I have the power to transcend any situation… The truth that others have the power to transcend any situation… Even though I have judged this situation, I deeply and completely love and accept myself… This person has what they need… I have what I need… I have faith that this person I love will do what is right for them… The outcome is greater than I could have ever imagined…”