Living and Loving
There will always be a ‘lie’ in believe,
An ‘over’ in lover,
An ‘end’ in friend,
An ‘us’ in trust,
And an ‘if’ in life.
—author’s name not provided
The Boehner aphorism, “If ‘ifs’ and ‘buts’ were candy and nuts, we’d all have a merry Christmas,” was coined by the Dallas Cowboys quarterback, Don Meredith, who later became a sports commentator for the TV show Monday Night Football in 1970. But it is not just football that realizes there is an “if” in life.
This week, Stacey and Doug let the family know they will not be going on their Caribbean cruise on their boat (“The Lady Gail”) this October. This decision is partially the result of Doug’s Dad’s having had a toe, foot, and leg amputated due to diabetes complication, and partially the result of Doug’s inside-and-outside cardiac ablation scheduled for Tuesday, May 29. We are all feeling disappointment.
As a result, I am working on a clergy column about the importance of not letting disappointment digress into despair. I will include in that article the Buddhist story about the second arrow in which the Buddha asked a student, “If a person is struck by an arrow, is it painful? If the person is struck by a second arrow, is it even more painful?”
The teaching goes on, “In life, we can’t always control the first arrow. However, the second arrow is our reaction to the first. This second arrow is optional.”
The Buddha’s second-arrow teaching is most often used as a demonstration that while pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.
This week I had a conversation with a college sophomore who has recently experienced some difficulty with the loss of a relationship. His own words were, “I feel like shit.” We understand that but also know his life is not over. Experience shows how rarely a life-long union occurs with the partner in our early relationships. These moments of loss are rich times for learning about ourselves, preparing us for what is yet to come.
In some ways, Stacey and Doug (and all of us) are going through a loss similar to this young man’s. I was joyfully anticipating almost a month with Stacey in Florida in December while Doug was taking the boat over open water from Florida to the British Virgin Islands. While their current plan is just to postpone their trip one year, we all know there will always be an “if” in life.
I was able to hear the truth as I told this young man it is not something we get over, but loss is something we get through. His ability to feel disappointment without the second-arrow of discouragement in the current situation will change the rest of his life. This is true for all of our “if’s” in life. Trust is important for us: for Stacey and Doug and their kids, and for John and me.
Jeremiah 29:11-13 from “The Message”
“…I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.
12 “When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I’ll listen.
13-14 “When you come looking for me, you’ll find me.
“Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I’ll make sure you won’t be disappointed.” God’s Decree.
Doug’s putting up the main sail on The Lady Gail in April.
In 1958, Huston Smith wrote “The Religions of Man”, which has been a standard textbook in college-level comparative religion classes for half a century. In 1991, it was revised and expanded and given the gender-neutral title “The World’s Religions.” The two versions together have sold more than three million copies. I first fell in love with Huston Smith when I saw an interview on TV while I was going through the ordination process to become a Minister of Reunion.
“It is the most important book in comparative religious studies ever,” Stephen Prothero, a professor of religion at Boston University, said in an interview.
This morning I was having a conversation with a dear friend. She had been frustrated navigating some computer responsibilities she was finding challenging. Even on our easiest days, our days are filled with news of challenges. I opened my email after hanging up the phone and saw this quotation from a colleague who writes a daily inspiration message:
“I am grateful for all my problems. After each one was overcome, I became stronger and more able to meet those that were still to come. I grew in all my difficulties.” James Cash Penney, American businessman and entrepreneur; 1875-1971 (from greatest-quotations.com
I quickly sent my friend a message: “Oh, wow, this opening quotation is so timely! One friend was vacationing in Rome with her husband and now he is hospitalized there…. A colleague just cut the tip of her finger off as she prepares to start a new career as a massage therapist…. My daughter’s father-in-law just lost a toe, a foot, and now a leg to diabetes.”
My conversation this morning got around to the importance of making a commitment to be kind to ourselves, as we would be with others. The woman who was frustrated with the computer tasks would have been compassionate toward another colleague; the woman who cut herself would not have called her child injured in an accident ‘stupid’; and neither should we hold these attitudes toward ourselves.
I met Alan Seale in 1997, right after he wrote On Becoming a 21st Century Mystic. I still hear him saying, “In the 21st Century we will become mystics or we will become nothing at all.”
His was “the first book to fully integrate spiritual awakening with intuitive development, ON BECOMING A 21ST-CENTURY MYSTIC brings together timeless wisdom of ancient traditions with practical spirituality for today. It leads the reader on a very personal journey of spiritual self-discovery – a journey free of dogma or attachment to any particular belief system. A ground-breaking book, it offers clear and practical tools for sacred living, including over 40 exercises and meditations, in-depth chakra exploration, personal stories, and powerful techniques for heightening intuitive skills. ON BECOMING A 21ST-CENTURY MYSTIC is your personal guidebook for spiritual living in the new millennium.”
My friend asked me why mystical consciousness is an option for common folks now, not just a few masters. Ken Wilber has done an amazing job of helping us recognize the stages of consciousness. He used colors to help us understand the way we think. Information has changed the way we view the world. We see how connected everything is. What we think/say/do affects the whole.
The mystical me realizes there is no OTHER.
“And therefore, all of those for whom authentic transformation has deeply unseated their souls must, I believe, wrestle with the profound moral obligation to shout form the heart—perhaps quietly and gently, with tears of reluctance; perhaps with fierce fire and angry wisdom; perhaps with slow and careful analysis; perhaps by unshakable public example—but authentically always and absolutely carries a a demand and duty: you must speak out, to the best of your ability, and shake the spiritual tree, and shine your headlights into the eyes of the complacent. You must let that radical realization rumble through your veins and rattle those around you.
Alas, if you fail to do so, you are betraying your own authenticity. You are hiding your true estate. You don’t want to upset others because you don’t want to upset your self. You are acting in bad faith, the taste of a bad infinity.
Because, you see, the alarming fact is that any realization of depth carries a terrible burden: those who are allowed to see are simultaneously saddled with the obligation to communicate that vision in no uncertain terms: that is the bargain. You were allowed to see the truth under the agreement that you would communicate it to others (that is the ultimate meaning of the bodhisattva vow). And therefore, if you have seen, you simply must speak out. Speak out with compassion, or speak out with angry wisdom, or speak out with skillful means, but speak out you must.
And this is truly a terrible burden, a horrible burden, because in any case there is no room for timidity. The fact that you might be wrong is simply no excuse: You might be right in your communication, and you might be wrong, but that doesn’t matter. What does matter, as Kierkegaard so rudely reminded us, is that only by investing and speaking your vision with passion, can the truth, one way or another, finally penetrate the reluctance of the world. If you are right, or if you are wrong, it is only your passion that will force either to be discovered. It is your duty to promote that discovery—either way—and therefore it is your duty to speak your truth with whatever passion and courage you can find in your heart. You must shout, in whatever way you can.”
― Ken Wilber, One Taste
It had been one of those mornings where she just couldn’t hold the emotions in. She was wiping away tears as she sat in the drive-through at Panera.
When she got to work, in addition to the breakfast she had ordered, this was in her bag:
These are sacred stories. Pay attention to happenings in your life. Do you have a story to share? Send email to debra@scs-matters.com.
Many of you already have received an update on the excision of a melanoma on my low back last week. (See Photoshop Fun.) The excision went well. This was a mole that turned into melanoma, it had not come from anywhere else and had not spread. The doctor said if we were talking stages, they could call this a stage zero. I can’t see it, but when the bandages are changed the report is it looks good. It itches, so I know it is healing. Stitches come out on May 14. I will have a full-body scan that day and every three months for the next two years just to be sure this is the end of that.
Last evening we received news from our daughter, Stacey, that Doug’s (our son-in-law’s) father is having foot amputation today with additional surgery to remove the leg just below the knee on Monday. This is due to uncontrolled diabetes. Love and prayers for Doug and his dad, Jim, and all the family. We all call Jim “Pops.”
A friend lost her twelve year-old golden retriever, Chaco. His was a miraculous life as he was born with megaesophagus. According to Chaco’s owner, “Megaesophagus is a fatal disease where the esophagus does not have nerves to signal peristalsis; therefore food stays in the esophagus which stretches until it’s as useless as a worn out rubber band. He was also born on Valentines Day with a heart full of love and dogged determination. Chaco survived; endured; stabilized and then flourished with his condition.” Special diet, timely exercise, and hours of Tellington TTouch™ each day allowed them to have an amazing life together. Chaco will be missed but remembered and loved….
The following paragraph is from my meditation teacher. Barbara is deaf and her husband of 50 years had a massive stroke in March. He is in a rehab facility and she is living alone for the first time since losing her hearing several decades ago. Eighteen months ago, Sulu, her then 14-year-old collie/ hearing-ear service dog died of old age. On Sunday, May 6, she will add a new member to her family. I think her post will inspire you to keep on keeping on whatever is going on:
I was blessed to look on the internet at collie kennels in Michigan, and turned up Banner in western Michigan, a-just-2-year-old tricolor collie (like all our past dogs). His owner, who bred him, sells all the dogs she breeds, maybe 6 or 8 litters a year. She had kept him to become a stud dog in her small kennel because she felt he was so special; beautiful, intelligent, eager to please, sweet and loving. When I approached her about whether she had a mature dog, she said maybe; she took a week to consider since she had planned to keep him, then wrote to me that I could buy him.
She said, “Your need is great. He will be a blessing to you.”
The breeder went on to say it was a blessing to Banner too, not just to be a pet, but to live a life of such service and connection to Barbara and her husband. Barbara and her husband will celebrate their Golden Anniversary on Saturday, May 5.
It seems life can be strewn with challenges almost daily. However, we are always at choice about our attitude.
This week, like every other week, will have sunshine and rain.
These moments, like no others, will be here and then gone.
This life, like all lives, matters.
We too can experience joy and blessing even in turbulent waters.
Earlier in the week, I was playing solitaire while waiting for Lowe’s to deliver my new washer and dryer. I usually win, so was a bit surprised and annoyed that I lost three games in a row. I switched to a game where you try to get every card in the deck turned up before the fourth King. After “winning” that gave, I noticed the King of Hearts was still in the box!
Any time you feel like you might be losing the game of life, make sure you are playing with a full deck. Remember every card matters….
Sometimes I notice myself deciding I am where I want to be. Sometimes where I am to be is very clear. My poetry group meets in Florida. When I am in Michigan, we FaceTime me in for the gathering. This week, afterwards they all went out for dinner. I wasn’t there, or was I…
When I saw the photo, I asked my brother-in-love, Larry Britton, to Photoshop me into the group. Larry is an amazingly talented artist. See his masterful result below.
I sent the new photo back to my poetry group saying, “I love being with you all!” Nobody caught it.
A couple of days later I wrote back asking if anyone had noticed I had been Photoshopped in. Then we got some laughs.
This is a big week in my world. My grandson and his wife are setting out on the first leg of an amazing Airbnb adventure. Another friend left with a team from our local hospice to share and support a sister hospice in Kenya. A wonderful woman friend met with an oncologist. She is scheduled for surgery in a couple of weeks, and the rest will be relealed. I watched, The Zookeeper’s Wife, a powerful film based in Warsaw, Poland, during the Nazi occupation. Perhaps I was especially affected by this film because I love animals, or maybe more so because I know a couple who escaped Poland during that time with their infant daughter and now live here in Michigan (See Electric Heater).
On Monday, April 30, I will be having an excision on my low back to remove a melanoma. I had noticed a mole changing shape and the spot was biopsied while I was in the office with John on April 17.
When I looked up “skin” and “cancer” in Louise Hay, Heal Your Body, these are the affirmations: I feel safe to be me. I lovingly forgive and release the past. I choose to fill my world with joy. I love and approve of myself.
Very often when working with someone clearing blocked energy I share the metaphor of a bubble. Everyone would agree it is there, they can all see it. However, when the bubble bursts it is just gone.
That is exactly what I am seeing with all of this….
(Note: The excision went well. It was a mole that turned into melanoma. It was a primary, meaning it hadn’t come from anywhere else. It had not spread. The doctor said if we were talking stages, they could call this a stage zero. I can’t see it, but when the bandages are changed the report is it’s healing very well. Stitches come out on May 14. I will have a full-body scan that day and every three months for the next two years just to be sure this is the end of that.)
A local restaurant offers all-you-care to-eat fish dinners on Friday evening. We were meeting my sister and brother-in-love early and we arrived first, way before the place got busy.
“I love your necklace,” our waitress placing menus on our table. “What can I get you to drink?”
Slipping the charger off off my neck, I showed her that it is actually a narrow band of metal any pendant can be worn on. “This charger had belonged to the daughter of a friend of mine who has been in our grief journey group for years. It was given to me in gratitude for the support over those years after her daughter’s death.”
I went on to share with the waitress about the charm. (I wrote about the charm in Sacred Stories. See Charm.) The charm had been on my mother’s “grandma’s brag bracelet” and I found it in my clothes dryer 13 years to the day after my mom’s Celebration of Life.
The waitress said, “That gives me chills! My dad passed too young and I still miss him so much. My daughter was young. A couple of years after he passed my daughter asked me if he visits me. I told her he had not. My daughter said Grandpa visits her and they have such a good time.”
After we had dinner and had paid our checks and were preparing to leave, the waitress came over and gave me a hug.
My necklace is not impressive in a worldly sense.
She must have had a prompting from spirit to mention it at all. I am grateful she did and I am grateful I was willing to share my sacred story so she could share hers.
You have to love the Sacred Stories and how we are all changed when we see the truth of the Divine in our lives….