Debra Basham

Living and Loving

Tag: equanimity

  • Dear Former Me

    When I saw my primary on Monday she said I needed Zoloft or a therapist, maybe both. I had been overwhelmed with the stress of everything John has been going through, complicated mightily by the situation with Joel. For those new to YBR, Joel has been my co-author for over twenty years. He has developed dementia, and after being hospitalized in March for a medical issue, deemed unable to return to his home. He is now in a memory care facility near his son in Tennessee. On Wednesday his voice sounded raspy, and on Thursday morning a staff member swabbed his nose while we were on FaceTime with another friend. He has not answered text or a FaceTime call since.

    It is said one can handle work stress or home stress but not both at the same time.

    The story is more complex than appropriate to share in a single blog (would likely make a best-selling book), but what is important for this post is to recognize there is a distinction between pain and suffering.

    I have a lot of pain about Joel’s son not answering my email asking about his dad. It is almost incomprehensible the seeming lack of compassion the son has for those of us who have been with his dad. Several of us have been supporting him, caring for him, assisting him in meeting his stated desire to live out his life in his own home. Suffering comes when I go into resistance and blame about the choices the son is making. Suffering rides in on the shame that I participated in Joel’s current conditions by getting the paperwork in place that gave the son the legal right to make decisions for his dad. Shame also arises when I face how little compassion there has been for how difficult it is to supervise someone’s care from out of state.

    Yesterday’s news of yet another school shooting. Incomprehensible. At least 19 children and two teachers were killed yesterday when a gunman opened fire in a Texas elementary school. Incomprehensible. Many on social media speak of the heart-wrenching pain of this horrendous violence to innocent children. I was touched profoundly by one sharing that added wisdom to the mix.

    When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news my mother would say to me, “LOOK FOR THE HELPERS. YOU WILL ALWAYS FIND PEOPLE WHO ARE HELPING.” To this day, especially in times of disaster, I remember my mother’s words, and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers, so many caring people in the world. ~ Mr. Rogers

    Yesterday I had an EMDR session with a very special colleague. I am grateful she was available to assist my finding some equanimity. I have been suffering. There was A LOT OF pain released with the emotion. As follow up to our time together, she suggested I write a letter to the former me.

    May 24, 2022

    Dear Former Me,

    I knew you would appreciate the special paper. You were such a loving creature and your heart wanted to do the right thing. You could not see all that was involved. It was not just about that time and place. It was as much about this time and place. That now and this now are one and the same, just as “you” and “I” are one and the same.

    You have done everything within your power. This is true for me, too. Fortunately for both of us, there is a higher power.

    We have neither had a childhood. It is time for us to have that chance. Children deserve to wake up in the morning and feel excited for their day. They do not thrive in the fields of constant vigilance.

    Do you remember the joy you felt in the gardens? You remembered it at the aviary at the zoo in Battle Creek. Your entire being was bliss. That is what you remember when I listen to the mockingbirds in Florida. We don’t have birds singing to us every moment but we have an experience of “ALL IS WELL” in our sweet bodies.

    I want you to do something for us. I want you to let go of your part. Let go of the feeling responsible for Joel. Let go of doing something wrong that hurt him.

    I’ll let go of my part, too.

    While neither of us carries all of the emotions, we both have carried the imprint – and the imprint has created a distortion.

    Can you see how the words on the page are now gradually going uphill? Things are looking up for us. Joel lives. I live. You live on, too. All endings are really new beginnings. May is going to be memorable for us. Our new beginning.

    I love you. Thank you. Please forgive me. I forgive you.

  • America’s Got Talent

    What do you see? When you look at the world, what do you see? This is not a frivolous question, and it may be one of the most vital choices you make for yourself and our world.

    This morning the Buddhist group that gathered for meditation via ZOOM spoke of the violence that had erupted in Minnesota, and spread from there. One couple shared information indicating the violence likely was done by an international trouble-making group that uses social media to organize. Most (maybe all) of those protesting were genuinely peaceful.

    We, of a certain age, remember all too well the racial tensions from fifty years ago, and many were involved in working toward justice and harmony. What I found almost as disturbing as the news of the violence and destruction was the expressed emotions of helplessness and discouragement and sadness generated by watching the new reporting. If my Dharma brothers and sisters who are committed to lovingkindness and equanimity can lose touch with their light within, what about those who have not practiced access to a balanced world view?

    Last evening, while some were watching the distressing news, John and I were watching the season premier of America’s Got Talent. AGT is not a show I normally watch, but, a friend had been persistent in encouraging me to watch it. I had actually turned it on the night before when I crawled into bed, and I watched a couple who train pigs to do acts like you normally see dogs do in the circus. I fell asleep. I told Linda, but Linda is a friend who knows me well. She simply said again, “It was one of the best we have seen, and I think you will be glad you saw it.”

    Two of the acts I watched show an amazing world view. The first was Archie Williams—a man who was wrongfully convicted of rape. Archie was arrested in 1982, and imprisoned in a Louisiana prison the following year. Archie spent 37 years in prison for a crime he knew he did not commit. Finally, forensic evidence proved he was innocent, and he was released in 2019. You owe it to yourself to search for and watch the entire nine-minute version of Archie’s singing “Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Me.” Archie told AGT, “My body was in prison, but my mind was not…. Prayer and singing got me through.”

    A person can sometimes let a mind be in prison even though a body is not.

    The final America’s Got Talent act was “Voices of Our City Choir” which was founded in 2016 by San Diego resident. While living downtown San Diego, Steph Johnson, a jazz singer-guitarist, met a lot of talented musicians—people living in shelters and on the street. Today her nonprofit operates several music and advocacy programs, has a choir of over 225 people, and distributes approximately 7,000 pounds of food per week! The group wrote the number it performed on AGT: “Sounds of the Sidewalk.” Another nine-minute video, as my friend said, that is definitely worth watching….

    Tomorrow is the first day of June. I am excited to look at the Magic Eye calendar image for the new month. (See Our True Nature.) My sister, Janis, and I are both excited. Regardless of the news, we get to turn over a new page. We will meet over some device and we will together see what beauty is hidden in plain sight, depending (of course) on your world view….

  • Upekka

    You have heard it said to be careful what you pray for. This past Tuesday evening, as our Dharma “Path of Clear Light” class was coming to an end, I asked for specific instructions around the practice of Upekka. Upekka is the Buddhist practice of equanimity.

    John Orr’s clarification of the Upekka practice, “All beings are heirs to their own karma. A person’s happiness or unhappiness is not dependent upon me but on their own actions and choices,” resulted in Barbara Brodsky’s offering thanks for him reminding her to keep that in mind related to her husband, Hal.

    Nothing in the teachings John shared, or Barbara’s comments, totally prepared me for the next few days of interactions with friends and clients.

    People are navigating every one of the eight worldly conditions: loss and gain, good-repute and ill-repute, praise and censure, sorrow and happiness.

    To practice Upekka is to be unwavering or to stay neutral in the face of each of these.

    The “far enemy” of Upekka is greed and resentment, mind-states in obvious opposition. The “near enemy” (the quality which superficially resembles upekka but which subtly opposes it), is indifference or apathy.

    “Do you want me to just be present with you or would it be helpful for me to offer some sort of process?” breath barely audible on either end of the phone.

    Skating on thin ice.

    Having been reading Rupert Spira’s work on nondual awareness, I pretty quickly notice the subtle grasping, the habit energy of not wanting those I care about to suffer.

    “Many of our ideas and beliefs about ourselves and the world are so deeply ingrained that we are unaware that they are beliefs and take them, without question, for the absolute truth.” ~ Rupert Spira

    The ground beneath my feet is shifting.

    “The discovery that peace, happiness and love are ever-present within our own Being, and completely available at every moment of experience, under all conditions, is the most important discovery that anyone can make.” ~ Rupert Spira

    Timing is everything.

    Richard Bandler says the best way to help a poor person is to not be poor.

    I grab the Daily Recollection and finger my mala while reading the 53rd through the 55th beads:

    I remember the practice of sati (presence):
    To be present with the breath.
    To be present with the proper object as it presents itself.
    To be present with the proper attitude: Whatever arises, I will not fixate on it. I will let my mind be free and spacious, resting in pure awareness.

    “The greatest discovery in life is to discover that our essential nature does not share the limits nor the destiny of the body and mind.” ~ Rupert Spira

    I add to Upekka the practice of Metta (lovingkindness), Karuna (compassion), and Mudita (sympathetic joy).

    I remember the great prayer: May all beings be free from suffering. May all beings feel joy. May all beings realize their intrinsic perfection and find perfect peace.