Living and Loving
She had been thinking about her husband and missing him. He passed last year at this time.
While out for her walk she looked down and saw a quarter.
She picked it up.
This year marked their 25th wedding anniversary.
The quarter is now on her altar.
Note* Looking through some stock photos for this post I found one. When I noticed the year I grabbed a pen and paper to check what year they were married… 1998. The year of this stock image!
She wrote an email message to some family members and a few very close friends:
He’s been on my mind so much this past week, of course, it’s been a year since we were sitting with him while he made his transition. But this morning, very early, I wasn’t asleep, I guess it was more of a deep resting state. Eyes closed, relaxed, but aware. It was a kaleidoscope of shadows and light and I was trying to figure out what the shapes were, but it kept spinning and shifting. Suddenly this calm feeling washed over me at the same time I realized what I was seeing – A HAWK! The hawk was the light spinning around in the shadows.
In the past year when I’ve been out in nature – hiking, kayaking, swimming – I get a visit, usually an adolescent Cooper’s Hawk. I know it’s a message and it always makes me smile.
I am so grateful for all of you and knowing I can share this with you and you don’t think I’m a crazy person.
Sending love out to all of you today!
XOXO
One reply:
What a wonderful experience. I do remember the hawk right outside the room in that small tree.
Another reply:
Oh, thank you SO much for sharing!! After my husband died I saw Visions of swirling Lights, Doves, and Owls and I thought I was crazy – and so did many of my family and friends. I was so grateful for those that knew it was my husband and knew I wasn’t crazy. And I’m so grateful that I came to understand this too. Grateful you are open and connected so your Dad can get his messages through.
Your dad is among us for sure and his deep love lives on in each of us. ❤️
She wrote back:
It’s amazing that we had similar experiences with the swirling and the birds! Thanks for sharing your experience. Sending hugs!
From another friend:
Your sharing your experience brings such joy!
My deepest honor is loving and being loved by one another and truly knowing that people do leave their bodies, but they do not leave their loved ones.
Thanking each one of you💟💟💟
She sent this response:
Thank you for being a big part of this process! It started with the hawk in your yard.
And this from her sister:
I’m glad you shared this!! I knew you’d been seeing hawks and I was a little disappointed that I hadn’t seen any but on Wednesday on my way home from work I saw a large hawk sitting on the sign in the townhouse I used to live in. It was so still that I thought it was fake but I watched in my rear view mirror and as soon as I was passed it, it flew off ♥️.
And a couple of days later from his dear friend:
I, too, have had him in my heart these past few weeks. Not that he isn’t always close.
On Friday, July 24th, I was leaving for my last optometrist appointment after having cataract surgery.
Just after pulling out of our driveway, I saw a large bird sitting on a post next to the road. Since there was no one behind me and out of curiosity, I backed up about half of a block to check it out. I stopped right next to it and noticed that it was a hawk just staring at me. I actually rolled my window down and said hello to the hawk. I set there for around 15-20 seconds and it seemed unfazed by my being that close. Now I realize why there was no traffic to make me hurry on my way. It was meant to be. The hawk was a message from him. How I miss him, but receiving messages like this, I know that he will always be close.
Unfortunately, I had to get to my appointment and had to leave.
A woman from New York and another from Oregon share a connection that can only come from beyond.
When he passed, the heart of one mother’s son went to the son of another mother.
Several years later when the two mom’s meet, they discover that the last song sung to the “donor” by his mother was also sung to the “recipient” by his mother.
The song? “For Good” from Wicked.
(Note* These two moms sang a duet on America’s Got Talent to spread the word about organ donation.)
Because I knew you,
I have been changed
For good.
How do we see the world as sacred again?
By radical noticing.
Looking for awe in all of life.
~ Lucy Jones posted on Gratefulness.org July 12, 2023
Yesterday riding my bike I was inundated by awareness of the propensity to criticism. John’s clothes, the way someone says something, the decadent use of disposable bottles of water, the literal interpretation of the Bible, the killing of native grasses and planting of invasive species…. the list is endless.
I long to see the world as sacred again.
The world does not need to change for that to happen, but my consciousness does.
The past few weeks I have been Zoom hosting a gathering of beings present with our meditation teacher, Barbara Brodsky. She is navigating a serious infection which got into the bone in her toe. After months of not being able to bear weight, and 9 weeks on antibiotics, she is in the wait-and-see if the infection is gone mode. Expressing that she was feeling some fear around all of this, the gathering of those willing to be with her was born.
Barbara has spoken of our intention as “one foot for all” and “one heart for all.”
Barbara’s closing comments Sunday, July 9, 2023:
As I was talking with Aaron earlier this week and I was still meditating with the fear and concern about a possible amputation, he said is there any need to explore that reality of an amputation.
I said no, but it could happen so I have to be prepared.
He said being prepared doesn’t mean looking at the possible amputation. It means just watching fear as it comes up and knowing how to relate to that fear with love, but if you go into practicing having equanimity with a possible amputation, in some ways you are bringing energy to inviting the amputation. If instead, you simply practice loving kindness toward anything, even the mosquito bite, the thunder, whatever has disturbed your environment, just practicing love and continue to envision the perfectly healed foot.
Last week a friend shared a body of work titled “How to Turn Your Client’s Negative Emotions into Positive Growth,” presented by Charles M. Jones. While it was not totally new information, I did have a very strong insight about the fear around managing John’s medical issues. Charles contrasts what he calls the “circumstantial view” with the “effectiveness view” of difficult emotions. The emotion we were working with was frustration. I was identifying the frustration around most of John’s complaints being the side-effects of medications: low energy, little stamina, lethargy.
Following his process, I gained the insight that hidden beneath the surface frustration with all the medications was the concern of loss of financial independence if John would become disabled and need long-term care!
From my journal this morning:
While we were in the meditation with Barbara on Sunday I kept seeing the image of an icicle. I saw aspects including the conditions which led to the formation, and both the beauty and the possible destruction. Later I read that the symbolic meaning of icicle is TEMPORARY DIFFICULTIES.
As I visited with a friend recently we spoke of our longing to see the world as sacred. We have both navigated so much…. we share a legacy of shame.
On the back cover of the book by Jenna Blum, one short sentence speaks volumes: “Those Who Save Us is a profound exploration of what we endure to survive and the legacy of shame.”
Very near the end of the book the main character, Trudy (a German), is stunned that a man she has recently found such happiness and bliss with, Ranier (a Jew), is leaving. She begs him to tell her why and suggests reason after reason which in her own mind it might be. Finally, he speaks the saddest words in the world, “I do not deserve to have this. I am not meant to be this happy.”
Trudy knew she could not argue with him because she knew that feeling all too well.
Whoa….
Looking again at Ken Wilber’s 3-2-1 process, I wonder if that is the key to our seeing the world as sacred. Maybe this is what allows us to see that it is all sacred. It already IS sacred. Perhaps we must do the shadow work and bring it all into the heart.
These steps are summarized as FACE-TALK-BE and here’s how the
technique is explained in Wilber’s little instruction book, The Integral
Vision: (See: 3-2-1 Process for the Shadow pdf)
1. First thing in the morning (before getting out of bed), review your
dreams and find someone who showed up with an emotional charge,
positive or negative.
2. FACE that person, holding them in mind.
3. Then TALK to that person, or simply resonate with them.
4. Finally BE that person by taking their perspective. For the sake of this
exercise there is no need to write anything out—you can go through
the whole process right in your mind.
5. Before going to bed, choose a person who either disturbed or
attracted you during the day. FACE them, TALK to them, and then BE
them.
This technique can be used not only with people who bring up an emotional
charge, but also with situations and memories that create a disturbance.
The same six letters make up both words.
S C A R E D
S A C R E D
Whoa….
This is the format of our time together with Barbara Brodsky on these Sunday noon gatherings: “We express our gratitude for the opportunity to come together as a group. We hold this highest intention not only for ourselves, but for the benefit of all. May all be blessed. May all be free from suffering. May all be healthy. May all be happy. May all feel joy. May all beings realize their intrinsic perfection and find perfect peace. Namaste’”
I think I will add “May all see the world as sacred.”
She had been working on an upcoming sermon titled “God Doesn’t Exist: God IS” inspired by Rupert Spira, a teacher of non-dual awareness, “Collapsing the Distance Between God and Ourself.”
All she needed to complete the preparation was a Contemplative Music choice. As soon as she settled on “Here as in Heaven”sung by Elevation Worship, she turned her attention back to the memoir of her friend’s late husband. She found it incomprehensible that her friend had not previously shared it because they had been close friends for well over twenty years, but things happen in their own time.
The memoir ended with his Statement of Faith:
And finally, I have discovered that there is a big difference between believing in God and God’s Word verses experiencing God and God’s Word. Yes, we must all take that “Leap of Faith” and believe, but we also must live that belief. My near-death experiences too me to the core of who I am as a person. It shook me beyond what I believed could be shaken. And now because of that experience, an experience that can never truly be shared with another, I know what I know. God is. And I am a part of that “is”. No matter what is, that “is” and me, is God. We walk together. Thank you, God.
He had been the pastor of the church where her sermon would be shared….
God doesn’t exist:
God IS.
His 4th of July weekend had not unfolded the way he expected. As an over-the-road truck driver, when he got into it with his boss, he ended up without a job or a home.
Fortunately, his family had come through for him again. Navigating challenges but pulling together, he had a great weekend and today he was starting a new job.
The Daily Word says it all: In times of trouble or great joy, I behold the wonder of God in a world filled to overflowing with divine splendor. Whenever I fail to notice, I look to the people who love me and to the people I love, and know I am blessed…. As I affirm this great goodness, I remain aware that pain and disappointment may come to anyone. During challenging moments, I have faith that good will triumph in the fullness of time. All is well, despite appearances to the contrary….
She had over thirty years in her previous career, but her life had drastically altered. She was feeling called to make a change in her livelihood.
That morning she had been on a Zoom call with a friend of a friend discussing pros and cons of becoming a professional coach. Sitting in the chair getting her hair done she overheard the women next to her talking about coaching!
Sharing this with her friend, she wrote: “The universe keeps putting things in front of me….”
The kind of beauty I want most is the hard-to-get kind that comes from within. ~ Ruby Dee
Last evening I went to a drumming at the home of some long-time friends. One of the other drummers was also a blast from my past. But, the delight of my heart was a young man who had the beauty of curiosity and seeking. Lots of sharing ended an evening significantly warmer than the weather. This morning I sent along information about Adyashanti and Rupert Sprira and a few quotations they might appreciate. I am obviously still under the influence of the 8-day retreat and grateful.
Hearing Rupert Spira telling a questioner that “the contemplation that we do in the yoga meditations would be the first step. The next step is out in the world. That is obviously more active than just contemplating the objective content of our experience. But In theory there’s no reason why it should feel any different from meditating in your chair. Really, everyday life should be considered an advanced to yoga meditation.”
On the retreat John Orr spoke of the horizontal or linear path which puts more emphasis on the conditioned realm, and the vertical path which puts more emphasis on non-striving, and the intersection of these two paths. The vertical path does not negate the movement of mind and the nature of the conditioned realm where one thing leads to another. As Rupert Spira says in The Inward and Outward-Facing Paths of Non-duality, “It is either meditation with your eyes closed or meditation with your eyes open. Those are the only two options.”
My eyes were certainly closed and open a LOT during the retreat. So was my heart.
For example, when I could hear my host in the room next to the apartment where I was and I noticed the slight contraction in my lower abdomen I was also aware I was having cellular memory from the past lifetime when I was pregnant with the soul that is/was my business partner in this lifetime. Throughout the week I was experiencing this looping back and forth of then and now, here and there, same and not same. And remembering to simply inquire of myself, “Is anything other than?”
On Monday after I got home from the retreat John and Stacey and I visited our previous home on Lincoln Avenue. The new owners are the daughter and son-in-law of our neighbors. They have done MAJOR renovations. They moved the basement stairs and turned Stacey’s former bedroom into a walk-in closet with in-room-laundry. They added an out door pavilion. Saying all of this I have not even hinted at the magnitude of the changes.
It was spooky to see how many of the things we had actually contemplated doing at some point during the 40 years we lived there. They put a sliding glass door out of the kitchen; they turned the former formal living room into a dining room; they put in a huge kitchen island.
As I walked through room after room I could feel the sameness and the difference. “I love the changes you made and I love that you also recognized and preserved the essence of the house.” Wow, that is the intersection of the linear (horizontal) and vertical paths…. It is like living in these bodies knowing they are temporary without denying birth is not the beginning and death is not the end.
I mentioned having a strong sensation of my week as a Bardo preview. Bardo is the Tibetan term for the intermediate state or gap we experience when we leave this physical body. Most teachers see that cultural differences and personal idiosyncrasies generate a variety of experiences, with a common theme of some fort of life review. We have an opportunity to integrate our learning and balance any unfinished business or unwholesome karma. Medical evidence suggests this is a result of the brain firing as it is going off line.
What truly excites me is the option to open our heart and mind to see it is a beautiful world as we walk this path while we still have these bodies. Awareness is the key.
Some people go to the dentist in fear and dread every time. As I key these words in I am developing awareness that this is my path beyond fear of medical things. I know fully that the anxiety had its origin in my mother’s central nervous system while I was in her womb and she was filled with rage, sadness,feelings of betrayal, concern, embarrassment, and fear. Many of my readers know my birth story. My mother discovered she was pregnant and that she had syphilis at the same time. Both were a gift from my father…. Then having been diagnosed with and treated for polio at age five resulted in lots of trauma.
While that was then and this is now, “now” and “then” do not actually exist independently, they exist interdependently. The beauty is your eyes and heart being open enough to see. Following the retreat, I sent the YouTube video of Les Crane singing Desiderata to my dharma sister co-hosting the retreat.
You are a child of the universe.
No less than the trees and the stars, you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,No doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
Keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Yes, it is a very beautiful world within and without….
We crave that deep place within
that cannot be touched by the ups and downs of life,
but rather just IS – connected and whole.
~ Katie Rubinstein
For well over twenty years I have been working with a Karmic stream from a lucid past life. I will tell it like a fictional story so you will be able to hear the truth and make good use of the wisdom and compassion without needing to believe or disbelieve any details. For ease in writing I shall write it the way I experience it, which is in first person.
The best stories begin with long, long ago in a far-away place I was born as a female to parents who were the beloved and trusted leaders in a utopian walled village. I was one with all of nature; able to speak and understand the birds and animals and revered by all in our community. Although I was born a female, I was announced as a male to avoid instability in the face of no heir. It was a truly blissful existence… until I was approaching puberty.
Overhearing my parents discussing the dilemma that soon my body would betray us and violence was sure to occur, I ran away thinking that my being there was the problem so running away would be the solution. All delusion is that misguided, and this was a slippery slope for sure.
I was befriended by a man who cared greatly for me as the son of the leaders but as time passed it became obvious I was a female, and his love became corrupt. He forced himself on me, resulting in my becoming pregnant. I was so frightened and ignorant and unhappy, and he was so frightened that I would run away he incarcerated me. I could not see or hear the birds and animals. I was bereft.
Peeling a large sliver from the wooden tray he left food for me on, I dug into my wrist, bleeding to death, ending my life and the life of the fetus within me. That unborn one has been my business partner for over twenty years in this life, and the man who had kept me was my business partner’s wife in this lifetime. She loved me so much, but she was not happy with his continuing to work as she was retired and wanted him to retire. Soon after he and I formed a legal partnership and it was obvious he was not only not going to retire but would also be doing a large amount of consulting work with me, she moved out of state saying, “I will see you when I see you.” They were eventually divorced.
“A retreat is best served when you acknowledge your awakeness yet know it is not fully realized yet.”
“There is both wholesome and unwholesome karma. The intention is to go beyond karma.”
“See it as the perfect unfolding of karma…. see the innate perfection everywhere…. you have a portion of it and a responsibility to release that portion for all beings. None of this can happen without intention.”
“For every human there is wholesome karma regardless of how deeply mired in negativity.”
“Each being that looks at unwholesome karma with forgiveness and love is living the intention and brings forth high vibration and love and to heal the whole earth.”
My nighttime dreams and my meditations were filled with painful memories related to this karmic stream. Lucid. Vibrant. Complete with body sensations, smells, sights and sounds.
On Wednesday during the sitting following Darshan with The Mother, as channeled by Barbara Brodsky, I experienced clear seeing of how “saying no with love” could have made space for less pain and suffering for everyone. I heard my former self speak from total love, compassion, and wisdom.
“I am a child. I am very broken hearted, enough so that I do not want to live. If I die, so will your child. You took my body which was not freely given. Please let me go free. Do not force yourself on me again. I cannot promise that I will come to love you in that way, but I will live so your beloved child may also live. Will you at least try?”
Thursday evening’s Dharma talk by John Orr was on faith. John quoted Thomas Merton as having said that faith begins when prayer becomes impossible and the heart has changed to stone. I know that feeling related to this karmic stream….
I see Nuthatch as I open my eyes and I look up the spiritual meaning.
When Nuthatch flutters into your awareness, it brings a message of keeping the faith and trusting what you know within, even if you can’t see it wiht your natural eyes.
As I close my eyes during the final sitting of the day I hear, “You can’t go back, Dear One. Your heart is seeking to find freedom here now.”
I sit through floods of torturous memories during meditation but this time I am able to see it all as more being purified. My intent is to lay it all down….
Parallel to all of this inner journey, I have had a yeast flare. Such intense vaginal itching I could not sleep. The probable mental cause of candida according to Louise Hay is feeling very scattered. (As the retreat opened I was so scattered Sivia had to take over the hosting duties.) Lots of frustration and anger and untrusting in relationships. (Oh, yes, very familiar….) The affirmation to clear this pattern is beautifully simple: “I give myself permission to be all that I can be, and I deserve the very best in life. I love and appreciate myself and others.”
“We have to be respectful of the pain the forgiveness is to release.”
“Forcing forgiveness is another way of not forgiving ourselves.”
“When we stop separating ourselves from others, it becomes THE PAIN, and compassion comes. With compassion there is no need for forgiveness.”
Never put anyone out of your heart. ~ Maharshi
I feel such gratitude for the yeast!
“We don’t have to attain nirvana, because we ourselves are always dwelling in nirvana. The wave does not have to look for the water. It already is water. We are one with the ground of our being. Once the wave realizes that she is water all her fear vanishes.” ~ Thich Nhat Hahn
I was on retreat and up quite early one morning and I wanted to share so I let myself enjoy the bliss of fingers on the keyboard. I am now home and sending this.
Stacey and John drove out with me on Friday evening so they could see where I would be for the week. I know Stacey felt much better after seeing the precious space. She even said, “Something like this is what we need to build for you guys.” I have spent some time in planning mind imagining what, when, where, and why love might unfold in that direction. But that is not now. We are learning to be here now.
One of my first journal entries was noting that I knew what the closing chant would be before the meditation began. This has been a way spirit has communicated to me for many, many years. In some ways, it is why I started a journal practice almost 60 years ago. If I wrote it down and then it happened I knew I had not made it up.
“This is not a retreat that will lead to awakening — rather, it will uncover your awakened heart, your true nature.”
“Sacred darkness and darkness are the same thing. What makes it sacred is how you respond to it.”
“Practicing skillfully is just our becoming aware of more kindness coming forth; more compassion.”
During walking mediation on opening day I walked the perimeter of the property. I walked around each tree. I thought of the opening lines of the poem “Lost” by David Wagoner:
‘Stand still. The trees ahead and bushes beside you
Are not lost. Wherever you are is called Here’
As I walked I felt walking in the labyrinth at Emrich, Oakwood, Still Waters… it was not a remembering of walking those labyrinths, not a mental activity at all but a FEELING, an experiencing.
A cousin sent a text message sharing that he had done the havening technique for/on his brother who is with hospice care. His brother had been in such pain he could not sleep. The havening calmed him down and he slept. I wrote back saying we knew when the havening was so helpful for him that he would pass it on. That day he had been able to pass it on to his beloved brother.
I had a flash of John going with me to Still Waters years ago. It was a winter day and John has slipped into his hibernation mode. As we drove there I asked John how a dog knows when it is his day off. We both laughed. On the drive home John told me he had realized how having a leisure day at Still Waters was different from having a leisure day at home: “No guilt.”
It is wonderful to be here.
Aaron talked about his final lifetime, how he felt like a failure. He left the monastery in shame and grief and went to live in the woods. “I felt enormous gratitude for the forest,” he said. I know that feeling. The following morning we were to hug a tree and spend some time listening to the tree. We were encouraged to feel the boundaries fall away. We were to ask the tree, ‘Who am I?’
Barbara shared about having had cellulitis 25 years ago. As she lay in the hospital bed not sure if her leg would have to be amputated, she offered metta for the woman in the next bed whose leg had just been amputated, and for all beings who may have lost a leg to an accident, or war, or disease. She said, “One leg to heal for all.” I sent her sharing to our cousin.
I was very scattered as the retreat began and Sivia picked up on that right away. She so graciously took over the hosting. We actually became very seamless sharing the hosting duties. I am so grateful for this dharma dance we share. That continued throughout the week.
I went out to identify the tree I would spend time with. It was not too far from the patio and it has one trunk that splits into two.
The bark was VERY soft. I have never felt anything like that. As I was focused on appreciating the texture of the bark, I saw a tree frog!It was right at eye level and as I looked more closely, the frog opened its eyes to look directly at me.
I realized the tree was this frog’s home. I complimented the frog on having such a lovely home. I knew I was a visitor and I had great appreciation for the frog’s gracious hospitality. I had never seen a tree frog in a tree but I had a similar experience years ago as small moths would fly up from the grass while I walked at dusk. We co-exist with ALL. Not really co-existing, WE ARE ALL. I AM ALL. YOU ARE ALL.
I remembered the poem, Please Call Me By My True Names, by Thich Nhat Hanh we heard earlier.
Spiritual meaning of frog: cleansers of bad spirits. Ability to heal; songs are magical and contain divine powers.
I asked the tree about the protrusion on the inside of my right ankle, if it was bone cancer. I heard, “No.”
Woodpecker and crow were nearby.
Sunday morning the teaching was about the hindrances: Doubt, clinging and grasping, aversion, agitation and restlessness, sloth and torpor. Sloth is when the body may feel heavy, lethargic, weary, or weak. It may be difficult to keep the body erect while meditating. Torpor means the mind may be dull, cloudy, or weary. One or another of the hindrances may be predominant, but we are told that it is nearly impossible for any hindrance to be alone, that it is a contracted state. We are encouraged to note ‘this is a contracted state’ and be present with it, noticing where it is in the body, not even giving it a name. In my sacred drawing I write, “I greet you with lovingkindness. I honor you. I honor myself for my willingness to feel and release.”
“You are not trying to create compassion. You are compassion.”
“You don’t have to fix yourself.”
I saw a beautiful yellow swallowtail butterfly!
When difficult memories or emotions would come up during a sitting I would acknowledge them with kindness seeing them as something that was still being purified. I walked backwards up and down the hill on the edge of the property. Barbara shared having done a backwards walking meditation with about one hundred people at a dzogchen retreat! You sure have to stay mindful to walk backwards safely.
A fly came in with me from my evening walk. I was totally taken back to our time this past winter when we struggled with flies coming in. Not once did I have compassion for the flies. I truly felt such compassion that this fly could not find its way back out. It finally got into the bathroom so I closed the door and went to bed. I did not see it again. I hope it got out on its own.
The only thing I brought to read was The Flight of the Garuda: The Dzogchen Tradition of Tibetan Buddhism. I opened randomly to Song 13 and read how regardless of what it is, a thought or a memory or a sensation: it is all arising out of conditions and is not me nor mine. Our small group met on Monday. I was wearing the BEE Kind t-shirt my sister Janis gave to me. I stood up so folks could see it. It was a very fun energy to wear all day as we were learning how important that is…. and later in the week I put the shirt over a big pillow and had it beside me.
“Spaciousness is innate.”
“We are this unborn, uncreated, undying.”
“Awaken moment-to-moment with what is arising.”
After the 2:30 meditation I saw hummingbird fly by the patio door. On my 3:45 walk hawk was my companion, and at 4:30 two hawks were circling very loudly!
During the Monday evening dharma talk Barbara led us through the reading of the Mala Recitation. When it was my turn, I read the Five Precepts.
“Where do we look for the Buddha?”
The story about the man who went looking for the Buddha, and ended up spending the night in a barn with a monk. The monk asked if he could help the traveler and the traveler said no, that he was looking for the Buddha. In the morning the monk was gone. The traveler never realized he had spent the night with the Buddha.
“Each time you sit, assume the Buddha is right there with you. The Buddha can never be farther away from you than your own heart. Ask your question as if you were asking the living Buddha. Ask the living Buddha which is right there in your loving heart.”
“When you ask ‘where is joy?’ know there is no duality. To experience sorrow is to touch the whole human experience.”
“Only love dissolves fear.”
“Remember, you are the one who is awake!”
I notice that the hindrances do seem to come as a collage, likely because they are feedback of the heart’s closing.
I notice the subtle thought that I need to conserve, or I might run out of food. I see clearly the habit energy of fear and aversion to not having what I need or want. Past life memories flood in. I won’t go into detail here but this is a very strong karmic stream that I have been with sincere intention working with for over twenty years.
I picked yellow pansies to replace the beautiful purple ones Delcy had left for me on Friday.
The sacred drawing process Laura taught me was a companion on this retreat. It is amazing how much release can happen with crayons and markers or a gel pen.
“What is the unconditioned and why should I care about it?… It is home… It is also the ground out of which distortion, fear, contraction arises. The unconditioned contains all seeming opposites.”
My host left me a four-leaf clover in a sweet little ceramic cup out on the patio table! He could not have known that earlier when I was walking and noticing all of the clover I had the thought, “Never in my life have I found a four leaf clover,” but the holy spirit must have guided him. I slipped a thank you note under the door.
OMG – On my first walking period after Tom left the four leaf clover for me I stepped off the patio and saw a four leaf clover, too! The message seems to be that when I knew I had one I was not trying to find one and I could see what was right there. (See the Sacred Story at https://www.scs-matters.com/four-leaf-clovers/)
I see a heart-shaped ant hill by my patio door and the dental floss in the bathroom waste basket is also in a heart shape. Ginny wrote: Next to the dental floss heart is the number 6. People associate with number 6 are very creative. There is a rise in the level of consciousness and awareness at the same time, which makes you more imaginative than practical. This number can be analogous to love, charm, health, oneness, empathy, destiny.
Everything is created by one’s mind…Everything is the natural form of emptiness, nonexistent and yet apparent, through the magical display of one’s mind…. All the phenomena of Samsara and Nirvana thus are self-display, all all self-display is groundless and empty.
Song 10 in Flight of the Garuda
Samsara and Nirvana have a similar meaning to hell and heaven. It was likely the most excruciating and the most exhilarating retreat in my current awareness. I would say it was a Bardo preview…. more about that in later posts.