Debra Basham

Living and Loving

Tag: DebraBasham.com

  • Comfort With What Is

    This theme of perspective continues to escalate. Not just in personal ways, but within the collective.

    This morning about 6 o’clock I was awakened by a “poke” on my left shoulder. It was a somatic poke. A physical sensation. The kind of experience where you would swear an actual person was there doing the poking.

    John and I had a very awkward time yesterday. I was talking to him about disinformation and what makes people vulnerable to disinformation. His initial position was to say how the other side does that too. I’ve heard him say that many, many times and I just respond, “Two wrongs don’t make a right. It doesn’t matter if everyone’s doing it, if it’s not something that’s wholesome, we have the freewill choice to abandon the unwholesome and cultivate the wholesome.”

    I was able to gain a beautiful insight after I finally asked him if anything I shared with him had invited him at all to a greater openness to question his own view. He told me no and I felt really deflated, somewhat hopeless with sadness. Then I realized his attachment to view and everyone’s attachment to view might be okay.

    Earlier in the day, Sheilana’s words had spoken so clearly about how it is that people have view saying, “And the thing is that if you’re in that same position that I’m in, noticing the very same thing I’m noticing, we’re going to notice two different things. We won’t notice the same, not necessarily notice the same part of it.”

    And here is the key, “It is a chore to remind myself that everything is perfect just like it is, that because I want it to be some way, doesn’t mean that it’s ever going to be that. Because everybody else wants it to be their way too, and that just doesn’t work. So how is it that we come into a space where we’re comfortable with what is? And we’ve talked about it many times in the past, about how we can help make a change by being in that space of comfort with what is, instead of wanting it to be different.”

    Comfort with what is….

    The truth of this came to be evident to me during the decades I worked with a lot of people who were navigating health challenges. Resisting the pain, fighting the necessity of giving recovering some time, not wanting it to be the way it is right now actually can prolong the process. For sure, it heightens the suffering.

    This morning I was able to see yesterday’s process as progress.

    Twelve years ago, in 2012, the gap in understanding between John and me was cavernous. That was just three presidential elections ago.

    One of the guys on the Tuesday morning meditation was speaking about Attack from Within: How Disinformation Is Sabotaging America, a book by Barbara McQuade, an American lawyer who served as the United States Attorney for the Eastern District of Michigan from 2010 to 2017. Disinformation is not just misinformation. Disinformation is designed to evoke a strong emotional response nurturing perspectives with more extreme views, making it difficult and sometimes impossible to find common ground with others.

    Perhaps Sheilana is saying that the only common ground is comfort with what is.

    Some years ago, Barbara Brodsky shared this image of two ladders. The ladders are the same height, but the distance between the steps was ginormous. The person had not yet gotten off the ground on the other ladder, but the person was already near the top of the ladder with the smaller steps.

    Perhaps we have ease and success and comfort with with what is: smaller steps!

  • Sunday Hawk Sighting

    They had worked together years ago.

    Their friendship continued for 40 years.

    Every Sunday morning they would talk on the phone.

    Friday, October 25, his friend died.

    On Sunday morning, October 27, as he was driving to the pharmacy to get his medication, the biggest hawk he had ever seen was in the road. That hawk did not move. He had to drive around it. He immediately recognized the sign.

    Hawks are known as the protectors and messengers. His friend loved hawks and had a hawk tattooed on his arm!

  • Better Than Ever

    On Wednesday, October 23, 2024, when she went to the hospital to visit her husband, he said to her, “I am so sorry I missed our anniversary.”

    She told him he had not missed their anniversary, it was coming up on October 31.

    He died on Friday, October 25….

    A couple of days later, as she sorted some paperwork, a sheet fell out: you are better than ever.


    She got a brochure in the mail featuring Backroads 2025 Women’s Adventures.


    She looked at the words on a painted rock: What if… everything you’re going through right now is preparing you for a dream bigger than you can imagine.

    She feels him right there with her guiding, coaching, and encouraging. Both of them better than ever.

  • It’s Not the End

    John Lennon said, “Everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end.”


    Gratitude is not a mere word;
    it is not a mere concept.
    It is the living breath
    of your real existence on earth.
    ~ Sri Chinmoy

    Claudia and I drove to Holly the day before the retreat started so we did not have the several hours of travel and unpacking and settling in all before noon on opening day. Awake early the next morning, I wrote in my journal:

      D: What is the meaning of my being here?

      V: You, My Dear, give whatever meaning that is given. Think about this in relationship to what is called “divisiveness” in your country today.

      D: It is staggering and humbling.

      V: It does appear clearly that.

    When folks arrived at the Maryville Retreat Center on Monday, October 14 2024, I had not expected to shed so many joyful tears. I wrote on the white board: The joy of reunion brought to mind the way it is spoken of the joy when we are reunited with loved ones “in heaven.”

    Very unusual opening words by Aaron, “We are not here for meditation — we are here for sangha.”

    At the Tuesday morning sitting I realized when I had to re-string my mala last winter one bead was put out of place. As I held that bead in my hand, my heart was so open! I thought about the tradition of making a deliberate mistake. Quiltmakers, Navajo Indians, even carpenters are aware of and use this idea. One source even says that the errors included are the same for a particular artist – sort of like a maker’s mark.

    When our small group met with the teachers I shared how complete I felt in our coming together, as if I had died at that moment I would have known I had done absolutely everything I came into this incarnation to do.

    Maryville has a wonderful chapel, with a peaked roof above the altar, skylights, and huge windows looking out onto the serene setting. Stained glass words line the seam between the walls and the ceiling. Each word seemed to invite complete states of being like peace, joy, hope, and love….

    I spent quite a bit of time in that space, once using it as a walking meditation. Afterwards I wrote in my journal:

      V: To whom do you pray, Dear One?

      D: To the center of Life.

      V: And what is this center of Life? It is much like the center of an onion. There is “no” thing there that is other than. This is a profound truth.

    The theme of reunion kept coming forth as a sweet fragrance. I meditated on the cellular memory of the on-going joy my sister, Janis, and I celebrate every moment of our lives now. This closeness and preciousness is the result of our having a profound loss of rapport and connection that lasted a significant amount of time.

    So grateful for the gifts of sitting in group meditation, chanting with other’s voices and feeling the harmonies, and having time dedicated to Noble Silence.

    The first six words from Shakespeare’s “As You Like It” Act two, Scene 1, the Forest of Arden, spoke volumes: Sweet are the uses of adversity…. And as John Lennon said, “Everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end.”

    Home from the retreat now, the simple gift of our being together remains most salient for me.

  • Cody: Forever Loving

    Cody: Forever Loving

    Checking in with the teachers and his small group while at a meditation retreat, he shared he would be leaving group early to go home for a few hours. A veterinarian was coming to assist their beloved dog, Cody, to freedom from suffering.

    He recorded the group chanting as support for him and his wife and their fur friend and, “All I ask of you is forever to remember me as loving you….”

    He was told how others in this group had been supported by this chant as a loved one died. Several times the person’s passing occurred while a retreat or workshop was happening.

    He found the chant very helpful each time he heard it and once during the chanting he expressed to Cody that he was free and did not have to stay around to support him. He had a clear sense of Cody responding, “I am chanting it to you!”


    From The Dharma of Dogs: Our Best Friends as Spiritual Teachers, by Tami Simon: “The pain of her death was exquisite. I cried for weeks, but felt an incredible joy and comfort that was an equal part of the grief. I was so grateful that I had spent time with her — only with her, fully present and joyful.” (p.163)

    RIP Cody…. Forever loving.

  • The Perfect Week for a Retreat

    I leave for Holly, Michigan, where I will attend a silent meditation retreat titled “Remembering our Awakened Essence” with Barbara Brodsky and John Orr from Deep Spring Center for Meditation, and sangha sisters and brothers from all over the world. The retreat will be held at The Maryville Retreat Center. This week Barbara’s husband, Hal, had a heart attack and has been hospitalized, receiving a pacemaker. Many know Hal previously had a gravely serious stroke and has been being cared for in their home since Covid. John Orr lives in Alexander, North Carolina, very near Asheville, where hurricane Helene has left his area with roads out, power down, and horrific destruction.

    There is a lot going on.

    This is not my first rodeo. I have been to MANY week-long silent retreats with this group, but due to the pandemic it has been five years (October 2019 being the last) since I attended a residential retreat. I definitely feel like a newbie. And a lot of rain and cool is forecast. Likely not going to be easy distraction by walking the beautiful campus.

    Plus, there is a lot going on this week.

    1. John will be staying alone for the first time since he had open heart surgery and the TIA from noon Sunday until Stacey arrives Thursday late afternoon.
    2. Our neighbor (Joe) is having heart valve surgery on Wednesday.
    3. Friends are navigating the losses and messes following Hurricane Milton.
    4. Our friend (Molly) is having a pacemaker.
    5. Our friend (Nancy) is turning 80.
    6. My long-time client and friend (Jane) is experiencing colon bleeding that cannot be surgically repaired. It is a complication from radiation therapy.
    7. Our country is approaching a Presidential Election that has amplified differences of opinions without highlighting the truth that we are interconnected.

    In the busyness of preparations for going on retreat, I took time yesterday to watch a video of Tara Brach with Dan Harris. Here are a few nuggets I am taking with me, and since you will be going with me in my heart, from “Timeless Heart Wisdom for our Times.”

      The most compelling and sacred work of these times is bridging divides.

      Unless we are seeking the well-being of all we are going to end up in some way perpetuating the suffering of our times.

      The Zen Masters say the most important thing is remembering the most important thing.

      Ours is a relational universe of aliveness that we’re inextricably a part of that’s influencing us that we are influencing that we are to pay attention to that in a way that is not abstract.

      The felt sense of that changes everything.

    It is probably obvious some of the reasons why I am nervous about turning off my phone and not checking for calls or texts or emails.

    It is also probably obvious why this is the perfect week for a silent meditation retreat….

  • Milton’s Mayhem and Message

    Last evening we had dinner with two long-time friends. One friend lost her winter home on Pine Island two years ago to Hurricane Ian. As Hurricane Milton is crossing the Gulf of Mexico right now barrelling toward Florida we have friends who are year-round on the island. It felt good for us to gather here in our tiny house and enjoy hearty soup and savory salads. And fresh-baked bread.

    The other friend and I will be attending a residential retreat all of next week. She said the retreat comes at an ideal time for her as she is so wrapped up in the political stuff and global conditions.

    This morning I sent both of them the opening words of our Florida meditation group who meets online each Tuesday afternoon at 1:00 pm EST. The leader hosted this gathering in her home on Pine Island for several decades until she moved into a senior living center on the mainland. At the time of yesterday’s Zoom gathering, she was there in her apartment.

    Her opening words were salve…. “It is a different feeling when I feel that if I don’t like what’s going on right now, I can change it. But the reality is that all I can do about that is change my attitude about it. I can’t necessarily change what’s actually happening. So it’s sort of humbling to sit here in this same space, but it looks much differently because, you know, all the windows are covered up, the doors are covered up. You can’t see out. There isn’t anybody out there to see anyway. So it’s quite a different reality.”

    Three of us online with her sat in our homes here in Michigan.

    One other friend online with us told us she was staying on Pine Island in the home of friends. The same home and the same friends with whom this friend survived Hurricane Ian two years ago. This friend’s home had been destroyed in Matlacha.

    This morning I wake to a text message from another friend who had spent a day with us on Pine Island before Hurricane Ian. He was sending a photo and this message, “With all that is going on in Florida sending you one of my guardian orbs.”


    Perfectly round orbs appearing in photos are often interpreted as signs of harmony and purity, believed to represent balanced energy and the presence of a peaceful spirit. Some see them as guardians or guides. They are thought to be evidence of the presence of our departed loved ones who are watching over us.

    A while later this morning as I opened email the loving messages continued.

      The world is a creation of our mind. Everything we experience happens in the mind. So there is no need to look outside. Everything is happening right here in our own minds. ~ The Daily Tejaniya

      Gain and loss, pleasure and pain, joy and sorrow, light and dark—these are seeming opposites. But nothing is truly an opposite but always part of everything else. What would joy be without sorrow? How would you recognize joy? How would you recognize the light if there were no sense of darkness? How would you know spaciousness if there were never contraction? But we must recognize the distinction between ultimate reality and those mundane objects that arise from conditions and pass away. Reflect on the beauty of light and love as ultimate realities, and how darkness and contraction arise out of conditions and pass away. ~ Aaron

    The opening words for our meditation time continued: “And although I know that this particular building, as you know, I’m on the sixth floor, which is the top floor, it’s poured concrete. So all the floors are concrete that’s twelve inches thick, and the walls are not quite that thick, but the outside walls are. Maybe it’s eight inches on the walls. And so it would have to be a really tremendous storm to take any of it out. And I just know that that’s not forthcoming. I don’t think we’ll really even know that it happened. And it will happen between tomorrow, between bedtime and midnight. So they say. I was talking to a friend yesterday, and I said, you know, you and I have had a nice long association in this lifetime, and if you never hear from me again, just know that I love you. And it threw her a bit for me to say that. And I was very conscious of what I was saying, because that’s always true. It’s not just because there’s a storm. It’s true for all of us today, right now. However, our lives usually are focused in a different direction. Thank goodness.”

    And as we settled into the stillness, these assurances were spoken: “Yes, this is comforting, and all of you are comforting. And I know that there are many others that are also. And hopefully they have found a place where they can express their own comfort. So if everyone is ready, shall we go into our meditation? So taking a couple of deep breaths, and just feel the breath as it fills our lungs. And exhale. And then with the next breath, fill the lungs as much as they were, and then add a little bit more. And I ask Spirit to be with us, the higher selves of each of us, to guide and protect us, acknowledging that that’s what they are doing all the time. And then as we take that deep breath, and a little more, know that every time we do this, we are a little more of who we are. I don’t know that it’s possible, well, let me put it some other way. I accept the possibility that when we take all we can that we are, and then we add a little more, that there will always be a little more. In the evolution of humanity, of life on this planet, I can imagine there’s always a little more. And it’s not necessarily definable, not something that we can describe. And yet there’s a sense within each of us that knows there’s a little more. So as we go into the silence today, into the uncertainty of how nature will conclude this day, we set an intention to be a little more.”

    May all beings find an end to stress and suffering. May all beings know peace.

  • Good Intentions

    It depends where you look.

    As I slide the drape back from the window this morning the sky to the west is very dark.

    I have been initiating conversation about the upcoming Presidential Election with John. For decades we have not spoken of such things, but it seems vital to be able to speak openly with others about things we see differently without fear and anger and denial.

    I was coming in off the porch when John was heading down the hall on his way to coffee with the guys at Roger’s. He asked what I was doing and I told him I had gone out and tried to get a photo of the western sky that was so black.

    My phone rang. It was John and I had a sense before I answered why he was calling, “If you look out the front window you will see the rainbow.”

    The sky has always been observed by humans. The earliest recorded meaning given to the rainbow is as a symbol of hope. For Christians and Hebrews, it appeared as proof of a covenant between God and all living creatures in the book of Genesis. The significance of a rainbow was also found in Chinese, Egyptian and Native American history.

    Sharing with a dear friend a bit later, I could see the rainbow as it related to this being a time of truly releasing disappointment around unmet expectations. For my friend, it was a dinner she wanted to prepare as a special gift for us. She considered it awful. It was very easy for me to see that her criticism was part of the pattern of judging the manifestation without looking at the loving intention.

    Our conversation led me to disappointment related to Holistic Alliance which we closed in 2005. She was able to say, “I think you are not looking at it clearly. I remember the joy I felt when I would walk through that door. And all of the people we helped. We were so ahead of our times….”

    We were both able bear witness to the amazing gifts that were given and the incredible love behind them. Richard (of NLP fame) Bandler would say that disappointment requires adequate pre-planning.

    I begin hearing the lyrics to the song Good Intentions, as it was sung by Randy Travis: “And I hear tell the road to hell is paved with good intentions. But mama my intentions were the best.”

    It depends where you look for information on issues like “open boarders” or “secure borders.” Or the “criminalization” or “decriminalization” of abortion. Even things like ethics or the lack-thereof in industry related to insurance or pharmaceuticals or financial management. It is a lot easier to talk about the problem/s than it is to sit with the insecurity of the overwhelming complexity of it all.

    Last evening as we played cards with Fred and his friend, Kay, I tried to express to John my view on a play he was choosing to make. He could not (or would not) see it the way I wanted him to, and he made the play as he wanted to make it. As it turned out, it likely cost us that hand.

    Often life is referred to as a game. The quote “Life is too important to be taken seriously” is attributed to Oscar Wilde. The quote is a paradox, as it seems contradictory at first. Wilde’s suggestion is that the more important something is, the more important it is not to take it seriously.

    Elbert Hubbard also said, “Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.”

    After Tuesday, November 5, 2024⁩, someone’s favored candidate will have lost and someone else’s favorite candidate will have won.

    Will you see disappointment or good intentions? Is it true that we can only see clearly when we see both? That it depends where you look?

    Praying we not miss the rainbows that come with the dark clouds.

    “Mama my intentions were the best”…. Praying we learn to be able to say this with honesty and confidence.

  • Barrel Through It

    He decided to cut his exercise session short at only two sets. While doing that second set, the radio station came in loud and clear, “Ain’t no love in Oklahoma, just the whistle of a long black train….”

    Ain’t No Love In Oklahoma is the theme song for Tulsa King, an American crime comedy-drama television series which stars Sylvester Stallone playing Dwight, a member of the Mafia released from prison in New York and sent to Tulsa, Oklahoma, where he begins to set up a criminal organization. He had recently watched the episode in which Dwight gives an impassioned speech about going forward.

    “You can’t go back once you’ve started this damn journey, you can only go forward. So, you have only got to choices. You get scared and you give up, and then you burn up. And the second one, you say F-it, F-it, F-it…. F-fear. And then you barrel through it. And when you come out on the other side I guarantee you are going to be stronger than you ever thought possible.” ~ Dwight

    That speech had motivated him to burn years of his late wife’s medical records.

    He made the choice to barrel through the rest of his exercise session….

  • Morning Star

    Instead of reading this morning, I decided to just sit by the picture window on the porch and watch the full moon through the trees. As I was watching, I got a reply I was not expecting. The sky lit up with a shooting star that came from east and headed west, and it was very high up. It traveled very slowly and very brightly way out over Chicago. And I took it as a sign, an affirmation.

    I was pondering, could my late wife have been affected by our visit to Ashwaubenon Creek and the Fox River years and years ago? When I showed her the river I think she remembered her grandfather. He is of Native American heritage. Her mother had that dark skin and dark hair and brown eyes.

    The meteorite I saw this morning reminded me of a morning star, Wahbenukqua. Wahbenukqua, which means Morning Star, and her husband, Ashwaubomay, lived on the South side of the Creek.

    There’s quite a story. When a young maiden was kidnapped, he found her. In appreciation, the Chief Standing Earth offered him his choice of two of the prettiest maidens in the village. He chose instead the youngest daughter of the Chief.

    Wahbenukqua and Ashwaubomay were friends with both Indians and Whites alike.

    I take that shooting star to be exactly that — an affirmation.


    Note* Ashwaubomay Park is an 84 acre park that is located at 2881 South Broadway. The land was purchased in 1972 and the park was developed in 1973-74. Ashwaubomay Park is named after “Chief Ashwaubomay” of the Menomonie and Ottawa Nations. The Village name is taken from Ashwaubomay who lived along the river and who is buried along the stream. You can read more about Wahbenukqua and Ashwaubomay at: Village History and Demographics.