Debra Basham

Living and Loving

Tag: British Virgin Islands

  • “If” In Life

    IF IN LIFE

    There will always be a ‘lie’ in believe,
    An ‘over’ in lover,
    An ‘end’ in friend,
    An ‘us’ in trust,
    And an ‘if’ in life.
    —author’s name not provided

    The Boehner aphorism, “If ‘ifs’ and ‘buts’ were candy and nuts, we’d all have a merry Christmas,” was coined by the Dallas Cowboys quarterback, Don Meredith, who later became a sports commentator for the TV show Monday Night Football in 1970. But it is not just football that realizes there is an “if” in life.

    This week, Stacey and Doug let the family know they will not be going on their Caribbean cruise on their boat (“The Lady Gail”) this October. This decision is partially the result of Doug’s Dad’s having had a toe, foot, and leg amputated due to diabetes complication, and partially the result of Doug’s inside-and-outside cardiac ablation scheduled for Tuesday, May 29. We are all feeling disappointment.

    As a result, I am working on a clergy column about the importance of not letting disappointment digress into despair. I will include in that article the Buddhist story about the second arrow in which the Buddha asked a student, “If a person is struck by an arrow, is it painful? If the person is struck by a second arrow, is it even more painful?”

    The teaching goes on, “In life, we can’t always control the first arrow. However, the second arrow is our reaction to the first. This second arrow is optional.”

    The Buddha’s second-arrow teaching is most often used as a demonstration that while pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.

    This week I had a conversation with a college sophomore who has recently experienced some difficulty with the loss of a relationship. His own words were, “I feel like shit.” We understand that but also know his life is not over. Experience shows how rarely a life-long union occurs with the partner in our early relationships. These moments of loss are rich times for learning about ourselves, preparing us for what is yet to come.

    In some ways, Stacey and Doug (and all of us) are going through a loss similar to this young man’s. I was joyfully anticipating almost a month with Stacey in Florida in December while Doug was taking the boat over open water from Florida to the British Virgin Islands. While their current plan is just to postpone their trip one year, we all know there will always be an “if” in life.

    I was able to hear the truth as I told this young man it is not something we get over, but loss is something we get through. His ability to feel disappointment without the second-arrow of discouragement in the current situation will change the rest of his life. This is true for all of our “if’s” in life. Trust is important for us: for Stacey and Doug and their kids, and for John and me.

    Jeremiah 29:11-13 from “The Message”

    “…I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.

    12 “When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I’ll listen.

    13-14 “When you come looking for me, you’ll find me.

    “Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I’ll make sure you won’t be disappointed.” God’s Decree.
    Doug’s putting up the main sail on The Lady Gail in April.

  • Dealing with Devastation

      Please be extra gentle with yourself during these highly charged, transformative times. We are all so beautifully sensitive to the collective experience – and especially right now.

      We are sending our blessings to those in the many places where there are wildfires, floods, and approaching hurricanes. Peace, love, and blessings to all people, all creatures, and all lands everywhere. So many new beginnings are underway. ~ Matt Kahn

    This photo was posted on Facebook by my son-in-law, Doug Dodge, along with his comments about yesterday’s hurricane damage: One of my favorite places in the BVI’s (British Virgin Islands). This is a picture of one of the rental fleets. They have total devastation and nothing left. We have met some great people over the years that live there and our hearts go out to them. Their only income is tourism and they have nothing to offer now. Please keep them in your prayers.

    At the time of this blog’s writing many friends and family and people we may never know across the state of Florida and other parts of the southeastern US are dealing with the anticipated devastation related to hurricane Irma after seeing what she has already done. This all makes me aware about the need to plan for dealing with devastation.

    Some will blame God, others will blame humans for accelerated global warming. Many will be second-guessing choices they have made to build, live, visit, stay or go. It is natural to be awash with emotions as we anticipate and/or witness devastation, but blame and remorse are not helpful.

    Perhaps Ira Byock’s book, The Four Things That Matter Most, now updated for its tenth anniversary, can offer us some advise. Byock says four simple phrases “stating the obvious” allow us to experience the benefits of letting old grudges and toxic emotions:

    “Please forgive me.”
    “I forgive you.”
    “Thank you.”
    “I love you.”

    And there are things we can do. We can give money to organizations we know are responsible with their dollars and have good sense about what is helpful at what time. We can pray. We can also do Tonglen to assist in the processing of all of this collective emotion. If you are new to the practice of Tonglen or you will benefit from a refresher, please read “Terrorist Attacks and Tonglen.”