Debra Basham

Living and Loving

Tag: amygdala hijacking

  • I Surrender

    Entry from my journal: Tuesday, January 18, 2022 @ 3:37 am:

    Dear Holy Spirit,

    I am awake and in the TV room listening to Karen Drucker’s “I Surrender.”

      I will surrender to my greatest highest good.

      I will release every fear that’s in my way…

      and I am grateful every moment of every day.

    I spoke with my doctor late last evening. I had called because my blood pressure had spiked the past few days. At home in my pantry is a prescription bottle of an anti-anxiety medication she prescribed for me in 2017 when this had happened. I took one once, and I have carried one with me in my purse every day since. I took 1/2 on Sunday, and 1/2 on Monday, but the pressure was still elevated when Linda B/G checked it last evening.

    I love that my doctor knows my blood pressure goes up because of anxiety, rather than thinking it is organic. When she prescribed the anti-anxiety medication in 2017, she said, “Anxiety driven blood pressure doesn’t respond well to the classes of medications normally used to lower blood pressure.” And that list is long: Diuretics; Beta-blockers; ACE inhibitors; and Vasodilators, just to name a few.

    Of course, John’s recent experience of having had severe “silent” coronary artery disease (CAD) has triggered my childhood pattern of being terrified of all things medical. Now that we are home and things are moving along smoothly, this current tremendous anxiety is a result of my having just gone through everything with him. Waking up early Saturday morning to not-one-but-two tornado warnings blasting on our phones probably added insult to injury…

    My doctor said she is not worried about me. She has years of good blood pressure readings taken in her office by her nurse. She assured me they have done research about the spouse of a heart patient going through this sort of thing.

    I took 1/2 of one 2mg Valium (with permission) and I went to bed optimistic about getting a good night’s sleep. I went to sleep, but I woke up in massive ANXIETY. While there were no conscious thoughts of scary things, I could feel my body in high alert, totally overrun with adrenaline.

    I grabbed my phone, popped in my earbuds, and began tapping along with some Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) audios. After a couple of shorts — including Tapping Universal Reversals — without much measurable benefit. Then I tapped through FEELING SAFE IN YOUR BODY with Nick Ortner. During the 6 minute 50 second closing I began to feel a shift. I repeated that part. I repeated it again. And again.

    Conditions came to mind: womb trauma when my mom had syphilis and was a terrified inpatient; being traumatized by hospitalization in isolation after the diagnosis of polio at age five; the out-of-body experience at age 12 when I was in the auto accident; the terror I felt during the trip to Europe in 2011. An avalanche of more minor situations that reveal the deeper structure of anxiety also came forth in my mind. When one is driven by amygdala hijacking, even choosing the ‘right’ color of paint can feel like a life-or-death situation.

    I felt my body releasing the pattern and welcoming bliss back.

    My niece, who has recently shared her life-long struggle with anxiety and depression, came to my mind over and over. I had said to John a few day ago I was feeling like I need to reach out to her.

    My nephew, who has used drugs to combat severe anxiety, resulting in his having multiple incarcerations, came to mind.

    And so many others….

    I began listening to the Surrogate Tapping audio, and I said out loud to myself, “I dedicate the merit of this to all who suffer from anxiety…” Jesica Ortner’s words encircled my body and soothed my mind:

    …. This is a blessing in disguise and I am so grateful…. I let go of my need to control this situation….

    I can feel some hints of integration as I listen.

    ….As I heal in the presence of darkness, we are all uplifted….

    I wonder if this pattern of fear and anxiety might actually be a part of our collective divine mission.

    ….I no longer live the lie; the lie that I don’t have what it takes; the lie that others don’t have what it takes….

    I can still hear the refrain of Karen Drucker singing I surrender to my greatest highest good in the background of my mind’s ear. I can feel myself breathing! I look and my heart rate on my Fitbit is showing 67 beats per minute!

    My grandson, Brad, comes to mind. He has spoken of his own awareness of this pattern of anxiety-driven achievement.

    ….This person has what it takes to have what they want….I have faith that this person I love will do what’s right for them. The outcome is greater than I could have ever imagined so I let go of my need to predict. I let go of my need to control. Everything is in divine order. I am grateful for this situation for it helps me learn and grow. I am grateful for this situation for it helps me learn and grow. I’m grateful for this blessing in disguise. I’m grateful for this blessing in disguise.

    When the surrogate tapping audio is finished, I open my email and read two “Thought-for-today” messages that speak directly to my current experience.

    Look around, look around at how lucky we are to be alive right now. ~ Lin-Manuel Miranda (from Gratefulness.org)

    Get to know fear. What is fear? It’s very interesting. Fear is always about what might happen, not much about what’s happening right now. When you’re present in the moment there may be discomfort, even real pain or sadness, but not a lot of fear. Fear is about your projections. ~ Aaron (from Deep Spring Center for Meditation)

    And when I turn on the computer to write this Yellow Brick Road post, this is the random screen saver image I am looking at. And I surrender to my greatest highest good….

  • The Time That is Given Us

    Three weeks ago today John and I were babysitting with Jackson, our 8-month-old great-grandson, while his mom worked (from G-Ma’s house).

    That evening we got to see the barn on the property at Bradyville. Soooooo happy for Brad and Christina!

    Three weeks feels like a lifetime.

    John received the Monoclonal Antibody Therapy (mAb) infusion on Friday, September 3. That went well.

    Two days after the infusion, I discovered John had spent the night in anxiety. He was still in a state of sheer panic that morning. We did everything we could think of to shift his state: EFT, tapping; Self-Havening; icy-gel mask, sucking on a lozenge; acupressure. Nothing really alleviated the shortness of breath, panic-feeling.

    John was exhausted. He could not sleep, unable even to lie down.

    By early evening, I reached out to my Dharma Sister, Doctor friend and she and her husband (also a physician) concurred that his symptoms were impossible to evaluate without labs, a chest x-ray, and an EKG. It was a holiday weekend. No office hours until Tuesday. Their suggestion was to get him to ER immediately.

    I said, “OK. I will take him.”

    “No!!! YOU cannot take him. It is not safe for you or for the others for you to be in a waiting room,” she text-shouted at me.

    I called Linda and said, “I need you or Larry to take John to ER.”

    Within minutes, Larry had John in the vehicle headed to the hospital.

    Words do not describe the waiting. And the worry…. Thankfully, Larry kept Linda updated, and Linda kept me updated.

    My sister, Janis, and my brother-in-love, Larry, drove over and sat in their car in my driveway while I sat on the front porch, both of us masked, just so I did not have to wait alone. When the mosquitos began to bite, they headed home. By that time, information began to be posted on John’s electronic chart.

    Linda and I were seeing the test results, real time, and what we were seeing was very encouraging.

    The infusion (mAb) can cause heart palpitations. We will never know for sure if that is what triggered the anxiety, but John really suffered with it.

    The following afternoon, we got an even bigger shock. John’s sister-in-love, Jeanne, had found his brother, Jerry, on the floor in severe pain when she returned from the store. Jerry was being taken to the hospital!!!!

    News was slow to come in.

    We learned that Jerry had suffered an abdominal aortic aneurysm.

    Jerry was going in for a 6-hour surgery!!!

    We later found out that most people would not have lived to get into surgery, much less survived the procedure. The next 72 hours would tell the story.

    We were grateful Jerry had been able to speak with Jeanne, their daughter, Lisa, and Lisa’s husband, Terry. He assured them he was not afraid. Jerry told them if he did not make it he would wake up and see their son Scott, (who passed 14 years ago). If he made it, he would wake up and see them. “Either way, I will be happy,” what a gift his words were to them.

    The Covid-related anxiety already wrenching within his body coupled with the immense shock and grief and uncertainty about his brother, was a perfect storm….John was inconsolable during this time.

    The next day when we had a telehealth follow-up from the ER visit, the doctor suggested a short-term use of Valium to help John get some rest and begin to recover. That was such a blessing….

    As my stress level went up through this, I also had set-back after set-back. My temperature would spike. My breathing was short. I was weak. Neither of us were resting, and both of us were worried about ourselves, about Jerry, and also wondering, “Will we be able to get to Tennessee for Courtney’s wedding?” I am scheduled to officiate that wedding on Saturday!

    But gifts come with every adversity.

    On Sunday morning, while John was debilitated with the anxiety, he would cry and tell me over-and-over how sorry he was that he had never understood what I had to live with. He said he understood now why I was so stringent on mask-wearing and social-distancing. He can now clearly see why I did not want to get or give Covid.

    As Larry sat at ER with John, I worried about both of them. And Linda…. and anyone else should Larry get exposure from John or from someone else at the ER.

    Worry has been a life-long companion.

    I had a long conversation with a friend this morning. She has hated watching me go through this. She admitted to me that she has been mad at my daughter and granddaughter, holding them responsible for my getting Covid and suffering. I reminded her that resentment is like eating rat poison expecting the rat to die.

    Maybe it would be smart for every home to have a home antigen test on hand. Maybe it would be kind to recognize that each person I am with unmasked is being exposed to every person I have been with unmasked, and every person each of those persons have been with unmasked.

    We are going to Tennessee for our granddaughter’s wedding. Do I wish they would require masks? Yes. Am I concerned about those attending who are not vaccinated? Yes.

    “I wish it need not have happened in my time,” said Frodo.

    “So do I,” said Gandalf, “and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”

    ~ J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring

    On Sunday, I shared with a small congregation. John and myself, plus 11 others. We were not masked. Sitting in a circle for an hour.

    Was that smart? Was it kind?

    I wonder about that.

    You see, I was born into anxiety. I experienced womb trauma when my mom simultaneously discovered she was pregnant with me and had syphilis. My mom’s emotions of shame, anger, humiliation and concern about the treatment affecting me were my emotional blueprint for life. Diagnosed with and hospitalization for polio when I was five-years-old, I was placed in isolation, unable to even have my mom touch me. She came and stood on the other side of the glass. Tears streaming down my face, spindly little legs, scrawny little arms. I had never been away from my mom even one day of my life prior to that. It was very traumatic….

    I know how trauma leads to amygdala hijacking. Fortunately, I have found ways to mitigate a compromised central nervous system. That, essentially, has become my life’s work.

    All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.