For years I have been fascinated by a particular wind feature in the Memorial Garden at our local hospice office. There is something inspired about the way the moving parts cooperate. I only visit on days the offices are closed. Today was one of those welcome days.
As I leaned against the utility case watching, an understanding of the movement dawned on me. Parts would move backwards, then stop and wait, and then turn and move in the other direction. The momentum being gathered by this “seeming” reversal was obvious. The pause was deliberate.
Tears streamed down my face as I got on my bike and rode toward home.
I am not sure if I have shared this poem on the Yellow Brick Road previously or not.
Poem Double Standard
It was 1966
when the rabbit died
killing a rabbit to test for pregnancy
is recognized as absolutely ridiculous now
as is allowing the father to attend high school, while banning the mother
for being obviously sexually active
a bad influence on the other girls
but I did not get pregnant by myself
and unless this baby too is an immaculate conception
it took two to tango
Double standards did not stop there
and sadly they continue today
A woman who has more than one lover is labeled “promiscuous” or “a slut”
A messy house reflects on her character
Overweight men attract sexy women but a fat female is seen as unattractive and told she let herself go to pot or hell or the dogs
The knife of double standards cuts in both directions
By the age of two, boys hear that big boys don’t cry
We tell them only sissies eat quiche
Women are not taught to lead and men are not taught to follow
Not being allowed to attend high school shaped my destiny
Feeling less-than, became a part of me
Formal education would not be part of my life
crossed off the list when I became a wife
But after decades of yearning and a lifetime of learning
I’m finally free to be me
I can honor my past—
thank god-at last—
proudly hang out dirty laundry where all can see
I would do it all again
except for the guilt
I’m a great mom
he’s a great dad
our baby girl
the only one we had
over fifty now
time has flown
already her kids
out on their own
If I had it to do over
I certainly would
I’d let go of the hurdles
and remember the good
I’d refuse to allow
another to say how
my life should be
can’t they see
it’s time now
to tear down the double standard
or to step over it at least
live and let live
in kindness and peace
Yes, looking back
it is plain to see
what has been there
was shaping me
into the woman I am
the one I’m very proud of
that double standard
filled my life with love
~ Debra Basham 5/30/17
Arundhati Roy, author of the novel, The God of Small Things, is a political activist involved in human rights and environmental causes. This past week our daughter, Stacey, was let go from her job as an administrative assistant to a regional director for Speedway Corporation. She has loved her job, her “team,” and the Speedway corporate culture. In August 2020, Speedway was sold to 7-Eleven Inc. for $21 billion. Stacey was one of over a thousand employees who were let go just this week, and this sort of thing happens every day, a product of the way things have always been.
Arundhati’s words send a shaft of light into my soul:
-
“Our strategy should be not only to confront empire, but to lay siege to it. To deprive it of oxygen. To shame it. To mock it. With our art, our music, our literature, our stubbornness, our joy, our brilliance, our sheer relentlessness – and our ability to tell our own stories. Stories that are different from the ones we’re being brainwashed to believe.
The corporate revolution will collapse if we refuse to buy what they are selling – their ideas, their version of history, their wars, their weapons, their notion of inevitability.
Remember this: We be many and they be few. They need us more than we need them.
Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing.”
― Arundhati Roy
Our beloved friend lost her power in a strong thunderstorm on Thursday evening. Friday morning she received a call from the facility where her beloved husband has been in a memory care unit for over five years. He had taken a turn for the worst, and could she come right away. Today is Saturday and her power had not yet come back on. As John began action to get help to take our generator to her home, I sent him a text message, “Does it make sense to wait to see if it does come back on?”
He wrote back, “It’s probably time we get it running.” Before he pulled in our driveway with Larry in the van, I had a message from her saying the power was back on.
The conversation that followed was not isolated. It is woven into the web of patriarchy that has outworn any benefit it might have ever had. As John shared with me that “the guys at coffee” said the refrigerator stuff was critical by this time, I spoke truth. This was just the most recent of his discounting my opinion in favor of the opinion of his male friends. Earlier in the week we confirmed what I had known since 2019: we had a roof leak in the guest bathroom. Before the market crash in 2008, we met with our financial advisor and I expressed worry I had about our investment. I wanted him to move our investments out of the market for a while. The investment broker said, “If fear takes you out of the market, it will keep you out of the market.” He used logic to override what I had no logic to back up. All I had was a feeling.
As I was riding my bike away from that amazing wind feature with its powerful lessons, a song came into my head. Here are the lyrics:
Oh, I wish I were famous
Like Sarah or Ruth
I wish people would listen
When love speaks the truth
I wish knees would bow
And hands would clasp
When we all remember
Who we are at last
I wish I were famous
I don’t think it’ll take long
If someone would pray
Another sing a song
Write a poem
Paint a picture
Let everyone see
I belong to you and you belong to me
Oh, I wish I were famous
I’d give it all away
I’d lay down my weapons
And go out and play
I’d let the sun shine on me
I’d dance in the rain
Oh, if I were famous
I’d end all our pain
Seemingly backward motion might just be momentum being gathered….