Debra Basham

Living and Loving

Author: Debra Basham

  • Hand-in-Hand

    With all that takes place in our lives,
    it can sometimes be easy to overlook the fact that
    we’re part of something greater than ourselves —
    a collective consciousness, the Universe, a greater cause.

    ~ Daily Om

    The March 2021 skies over Pine Island, near Ft. Myers, in Southwest Florida (winter home of this snowbird) demonstrate a very important fact: light is present within darkness.


    During the past few weeks of “the season,” instead of the usual blue skies, the horizon was often dotted with dark, billowy, ominous-looking bumps of clouds with amazing streams of light simultaneously peeking out. Some clear, some bright, some pinkish-orange enough to resemble remnants of a dwindling campfire…. Those glowing embers that you only see late, late—late enough that you think you should give up and go to bed. Despite the chill, you are drawn to sit where you are as a witness to what is dying.

    For the past three years I have been in a study group looking at the spiritual phenomena of light within the darkness.

    I am attending and helping Zoom host a meditation retreat this week.


    As I was doing walking meditation early, I saw a black stone on the sidewalk. I noticed it but did not pick it up. Continuing, about half a block up, also on the sidewalk, I found a white stone. Neither of these were located with anything similar nearby. Seeing the white stone, I looped back and also picked up the black one. Light in the darkness.


    ((Confession, this is an article scheduled for publication in May. But the time for me to share it with you is NOW.))

    Every religion, Western and Eastern philosophy, and each individual artistic world view provides commentary on this subject of light in the darkness.

      The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it. John 1:5

      Look at how a single candle can both defy and define the darkness. Anne Frank

      I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness because it shows me the stars. Og Mandino

      We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light. Plato

      Don’t fight darkness – bring the light, and darkness will disappear. Maharishi Mahesh Yogi

    In an audio presentation, Living and Dying, Ram Dass says about his work with people as they were dying: I watch some people who are able to open to the new stage and say, “Ah, so….” and those people don’t suffer. And then I watch somebody who looks at the shoes in the closet that they’ll never wear again and sits around feeling sorry because they can’t wear the shoes anymore. They’re holding onto the model of who they were a moment ago. A moment ago, they were somebody wearing those shoes, and now they are not wearing those shoes.

    I have been wondering about a similar phenomenon related to the pandemic. It is undeniable that the coronavirus has brough considerable darkness. (Another of our friends passed the day I was writing this article, in Florida, and then a 42-year-old relative, father-of-five, in Michigan.)

    Have you also been able to see the light this global pandemic has brought to you over this last year?

    My online search of “benefits of the pandemic” produced a lot of evidence of light within the darkness. Reduction of the carbon foot print made every list I read. Improved health and cost-savings from less eating out and more home-cooked meals was another. Parents spending more time with children; partners having more time together; time for reflection and opportunity to reevaluate your life. Within each of these is both light and darkness.

    It has been said about picking up a stick: you pick up both ends.

    What Buddhism calls wisdom mind is the recognition that only light has ultimate reality. Niels Bohr, a Danish physicist who made foundational contributions to understanding atomic structure and quantum theory, says you do not go into a room and look for a “dark” switch. The switch you are searching for is the “light” switch. Of course, with that switch you are either turning the light on or off….

    Ram Dass wrote of a friend’s passing.

    “Well, you know what I know. Probably I won’t see you again in this body, so, stay conscious.” And I left.

    Her husband called me the next morning at 7:30, and said she died during the night.

    And he said her dying was just like ink being poured into water. It was just expanding outward. He said, “I came away from her death with one of the deepest experiences of peace I’d ever had in my life.”

    We are a collective witness to the dark and the light, to what is being born and what is dying.

    Some individuals have hated working from home. Some students have been miserable with online schooling. Some of us have grown calmer, others catastrophically chaotic. Attitudes reflect the moment-by-moment position of the light switch.

    Less and less frequently do I hear people yearning for things to get back to normal, but often people express specifics of what they are eager to resume. I made up a set of rules for “distant dominoes” with good friends that live down the street from us in Michigan and also winter on the same street in Florida.

    While in Florida, the four of us drove across the state to receive our first (and second) vaccines. We expressed excitement to once again safely play dominoes by the original Basham house rules, sitting around a table touching the tiles. We agreed we will all likely needed a refresher….

    This snowbird gleefully anticipated being able to meet our great-grandson, Jackson (born December 28), on our trek north. I could almost smell his baby breath. Almost feel the weight of him. Almost hear his coo….

    *Note – It was exquisite!


    Awareness of the collective “benefit” of our collective glee, relief, appreciation, and joy almost takes my breath away….

    Just as those clouds on the Florida horizon revealed the truth of light within the darkness, we are a collective witness to the dying of what was and the collective welcoming of what is.

    We have no need to fret over an unworn pair of shoes.

    We can join together and blissfully walk barefoot hand-in-hand on the beach….

  • In My Life

      You CAN attend to these things — to the blizzard, to the hurricane, to the forest fire, to the automobile accident, to the volcanic eruption, to the political hate-throwing — with an open heart. You can respond to these with a consciousness that refuses to be drawn in with fear, but instead comes forth to attend. It’s very helpful to remember, as it’s often said: ‘This too shall pass.’ But you cannot hide yourself and say, ‘Well, it will pass, so I don’t have to pay any attention to it.’ It will pass, and it still must be attended to. ~ Aaron

    Sweeping under beds, cleaning beneath cushions, emptying the jar with a half-teaspoon of salsa…. I am mindfully paying attention to pre-packing and cleaning in preparation for our heading home. Always mixed feelings about leaving Florida, but before the pandemic these snowbirds’ twinges of leave-taking were tempered by the lovingly longing to be with family in Tennessee and visiting with friends over breakfast or lunch in Indy.

    The Beatles long ago named a song (In My Life) after the title of this blog post. Here is the opening:

    There are places I’ll remember
    All my life though some have changed
    Some forever, not for better
    Some have gone and some remain

    April, 2020, John and I drove straight through from Florida to Michigan, and did not even stop in Tennessee.

    November, 2021, we stopped for one overnight but stayed in a hotel. Our brief time together was somewhat stressful. Only the cats seemed unaware of the unspoken perspectives that separated us more than the safe-distancing and masks.

    John and I are now 9-days post our second vaccine, and we will be just under the recommended two-week wait time when we get to Smyrna on Saturday.

    We are so excited that when we get home on Monday, we will be able to come together safely with others we love who are also fully vaccinated. Look out Janis and Larry. It is going to be one heck of a hug-fest!

    Yesterday morning as I placed puzzle pieces and sipped tea, a “stream-of-consciousness” came through. I shared it with John, and with Linda B/G, who said, “Maybe it is important to share this now. Last year, lots of people were speaking up about this. Not so much right now, but it needs to be said.”

    As she spoke, my iPhone popped in with a “notification” of the federal government having to consider a mask mandate. People are ignoring the guidelines, refusing to avoid non-essential travel. Continuing to gather in large numbers without safe-distancing or masks, and the numbers of covid-19 cases sadly are increasing again.

    This is what came through:

      Open letter to my friends, family, neighbors, and total strangers who have chosen not to mask, safe-distance and/or be vaccinated to help curtain the spread of this coronavirus.

      I am a 71 year old woman enjoying an amazing quality of life given how I began. My mother had syphilis when I was in utero. She spent her entire pregnancy with me fearful of any damage this sexually transmitted disease might do to me, a result of my father’s indiscretion.

      When I was five years old, I was hospitalized and treated for polio. Never having spent one night away from my mother previously, I was placed in the pediatric unit at the hospital in isolation. When my mom would come, she was on the other side of the glass wall. At the ripe old age of 71 years, I can still feel my spindly legs holding me up as my urchin thin arms reached toward her devastated face.

      A serious auto accident at age 12, resulted in months on crutches, and I still wear the scars from the stitches necessary to reattach the flesh to my forehead.

      At age 62, a 22 cm ovarian mass was removed, along with all of my feminine parts. I spent some time in the cardiac intensive care unit, what I call the high rent district, a result of aFib, most serious of the post-surgical complications.

      My blood pressure can spike and my pulse will routinely be well over 100 at just a routine doctor visit.

      Am I afraid of dying? I don’t think so. Do I have PTSD around medical processes? Obviously…

      I have spent the past 12 months doing everything I can to avoid “getting or giving” this novel virus that has killed so many, left many others with life-limiting complications, and wreaked havoc with our global economy, but my investment in living a long and healthy life didn’t begin in 2020.

      I have spent 71 years, 72 if you count the time I was in my mothers womb, choosing life.

      This may be the first time in my life I’ve ever asked you to help take care of me. I know the masks are hot. I know the bands pull on my ears. I know voices are muffled, and deaf people can’t read lips.

      I know we can’t see one another smile.

      But this morning I got to see the moon and the sun in the sky together. I got to wake up with my husband of 55 years lying in bed next to me snoring.

      I know I won’t stay in this body forever, but I really don’t want someone’s political view or stubborn independent streak, or aversion to temporary discomfort to end my life unnecessarily. And I don’t want to end someone else’s life unnecessarily.

      Is it my destiny to have you give me a deadly virus? Perhaps…

      Or perhaps it’s my destiny to ask you not to….

    All these places have their moments
    With lovers and friends I still can recall
    Some are dead and some are living
    In my life I’ve loved them all

    Some are dead from this virus…. including my dear friend, Bonnie, the first casualty in my life. And Fred, the second. Patty’s mom. Four high-school classmates (all in one week in December). And Jackson’s Paw Paw…

    Perhaps it was their destiny to die of something preventable.

    Some are living….

    In my life I’ve loved them all.


  • 3 Faces of Happiness

    “No matter how someone is acting,
    they want to be happy.”
    ~ Lion’s Roar

    Jerry Ashmore, senior teacher at Empty Circle Zen group shared this opening quote in his dharma talk this morning. As an aside, if you are looking for a wonderful Zen sitting with teachings, this group meets on Zoom twice per week: Tuesday evening and Saturday morning. I have really been grateful for this addition to my practice.

    Following Jerry’s talk, my search for “happiness quotes” showed 734,000,000 hits.

    This is a very important reminder. More meaningful in my personal experience this week that most.

    I sent a text message to my poetry writing group. “I am going to go for a bike ride instead of writing this morning. I need some grounding.” I shared some of the details (not pretty) about what was going on, and assured them I would log on in time for the update of an important project one of the women is currently working on. Her project is huge, and we all qualify as midwives….

    Lots of people find balance by exercising. Many find their center when they can get out in nature. For me, biking is a blessed bonus of both….

    Logging on after my ride, I was surprised to see one of the women in the group on line that had sent word earlier saying that she would not be there.

    “Deb, tell us how you are, and how things are with your _____ _____.” (She named the stressful situation. One of the other women in the group told me later that she had filled this woman in since she had not been expected to attend and, therefore, had not been included in my earlier text message.)

    As I began sharing, the woman who had asked me to share interrupted, “Deb, just the short version. We know you are grieving.”

    Now, admittedly, I have had some triggers with this group before.

    Whereever I go, there I am.


    “There is no short version,” I responded, and muted my mic.

    Humans can’t touch unconditional love sufficiently to extend it fully to all all of the time.

    Jerry said this morning, “That is where getting to non-hate is the wisdom practice.”

    I did more than get to non-hate. I have been so focused on something else that I offered a pretense to presence. As I forgave myself, I was able to not take her action as a personal attack.

    I was also able to do more than get to non-hate with the situation I had been challenged with for the past several weeks. The word that falls from my lips about the others involved most easily is: unskillful.

    Empathy does not show up for me in my top five in the Clifton Strengths Assessment. People who are really strong in empathy “feel what others are feeling as though their feelings are your own. Intuitively, you are able to see the world through the others’ eyes and share their perspectives.”

    I have come closer to a heart of compassion through decades of mindfulness (Vipassana) practice.

    To be mindful means to be aware. It’s the energy that knows what is happening in the present moment. Lifting our arms and knowing that we’re lifting our arms—that’s mindfulness, mindfulness of our action.

    When we breathe in and we know we’re breathing in, that’s mindfulness.

    When we make a step and we know that the steps are taking place, we are mindful of the steps. Mindfulness is always mindfulness of something.

    It’s the energy that helps us be aware of what is happening right now and right here—in our body, in our feelings, in our perceptions, and around us. ~ 5 Practices for Nurturing Happineess

    Her comment was unskillful, but my response was unskillful as well. The unskilled volley left us all raw. Hell, I was already raw. For all I know, so was she…

    That is the trick, isn’t it?

    Not even a person Clifton says is endowed with empathy truly sees the world through another person’s eyes. The stressful situation has been stressful precisely because we don’t see the situation the same way.

    Jerry asked us to ponder some questions about happiness:

    What is happiness? What does happiness mean for me? Is happiness just pleasure? Is it joy? Can I be happy without a sense of well-being? Is that possible? Can I be happy without a sense of purpose in life?

    We cannot truly speak about happiness in the Buddhist way without a nod to suffering.

      Being able to enjoy happiness doesn’t require that we have zero suffering. In fact, the art of happiness is also the art of suffering well. When we learn to acknowledge, embrace, and understand our suffering, we suffer much less. Not only that, but we’re also able to go further and transform our suffering into understanding, compassion, and joy for ourselves and for others.

      One of the most difficult things for us to accept is that there is no realm where there’s only happiness and there’s no suffering.

    I am not sure what the 3 faces of happiness are.

    Perhaps to forgive again, and again, and again….

  • Muy agradecida. Muy agradecido.

    How can I wish for myself
    what I do not wish for everybody,
    including those I think of
    as my worst enemies?

    ~ Aaron

    Another drive across the state of Florida, this time for our second vaccine, and this time we know where we are going. We are going to an ALL Spanish-speaking pharmacy near Miami. (See: A Dios Mio )

    I have been transcribing Ram Dass speaking about Living and Dying.

    So, now once you want to be free—at first you want to hang out with people that keep you high—later, you want to confront the fires that catch you, you want to purify through those fires. You just find yourself drawn towards the things that are still catching you, so that you can get to the point where you can be in them but not lost in them. Where you can keep your space even when you’re in them.

    And dying is one of the big ones that sucks everybody in, and so part of the work is developing the ability to be with somebody that’s dying, or be dying yourself, and stay very clear and very present because those that are from religions that focus on the moment of death, which is most of the religions that have reincarnation in them, see life as a preparation for the moment of death

    Many people in this culture don’t want to talk about death. They resist aging. They want an easy way out of something that is inescapable. So, there is suffering….

    Our Canadian friends, Davey and Eli, had to leave Florida and go back to Canada or risk losing their medical coverage because he had been hospitalized with diverticulitis. The night before they left, we rang their doorbell, stepped back, and when Davey opened the door, John and I began to sing: Davey, Davey, give us your answer true, we’re half crazy, all for the love of you. Courtney’s won’t be a stylish marriage, without you there in your carriage, and we’ll be switched if she’ll be hitched without Davey and Eli there, too.

    His eyes met mine…. and he said softly, “The best part of your singing was getting to see your smile.”

    Davey has not seen me without a mask for over a year now.

    Dass says any time there is suffering, it’s a clue to where your mind is holding.

    My mind is holding to the question of how to see/be with my family (and meet our new great-grandson, Jackson) who are all in Tennessee. It is right on the way from Florida to Michigan. Visiting with them has always been what made leaving Florida something to be embraced. We saw Stacey and Doug and Adam and Brad and Christina briefly on the way down, but we have not seen our grand-daughter, Courtney, since November 2019. We have yet to meet the baby in person. We long for things to be normal again. To see smiling faces. To eat at the same table. To touch the same playing cards as I win 500 Rummy….

    We will do what we can to help us all be able to gather again without fear of getting or giving a virus that humans don’t yet have herd immunity toward. A virus that ended the life of our grand-daughter’s other grandpa. Paw Paw was in the hospital with the coronavirus and he did not get to meet Jackson.

    How can I wish for myself what I do not wish for everybody?

    Dass says when Mahatma Gandhi was dying he walked out into his yard, an assassin shot him three times. Our image of an assassin in America – we think of the Kennedy brothers, Martin Luther King, always there is horror and violence connected with it, and we imagine (if we can the imagine) that the moment someone is shot they are stunned or confused. Gandhi had just as much time as the others when he was shot, but when he was shot and falls over he just says, “Ram.” He goes out on the name of God.

    We, too, go out on the name of God. We will again drive to Florida’s East Coast.

    And for that we are very grateful….

    Muy agradecida. Muy agradecido.

  • He’s in Your Heart

    Sacred Stories

    Her granddaughter was only 6 months old when her husband had passed.

    Visiting, now four years later, the young child looked into her eyes and said, “Pappa is never coming back.”

    Their eyes locked, hers filled with tears.

    This precious child placed a hand on each of her cheeks and said, “But, he’s in your heart.”

    Out of the mouths of babes….

  • Spilled Soda

    Sacred Stories

    They were navigating the grief of the passing of their adult son. Her husband said, “If I just knew he is happy where he is, it would be easier.”

    She knocked over a can of soda, spilling it down and under a nearby chair.

    Moving the chair to clean up the soda, they found a photo of their son with his grandmother and his step grand-father.

    They knew they would not have moved that chair or found the photo if the soda had not spilled.

    In that photo they saw the answer from their son: they saw his very happy face!

    Blessed assurance….

  • Voice Mail

    Sacred Stories

    Her father called from California, but she missed his call.

    He was wishing her a Happy Valentine’s Day.


    Later that day, he had a stroke.

    When he passed away, she was so grateful she had missed his call that day.

    She still has his loving voice mail message!

  • I Love You

    Sacred Stories

    He had passed just two weeks earlier.

    He flashed into her mind so many times.

    She opened the drawer to see the small green ceramic bowl he had gifted her.

    There in the center of the bowl was his message:
    I love you!


    She could actually hear him in her heart.

  • Combination

    Sacred Stories

    He had passed quite unexpectedly in his sleep.

    She had kept the combination to his gun safe in his contact on her phone, but it was not there as she was cleaning out his apartment.

    As she went to bed that night, she told him she needed the combination.

    Before she had completely dozed off, he had given it to her!

    Truly a good combination….

  • Comedy Can be Calming

    “All shall be well,
    and all shall be well
    and all manner of things shall be well.”

    ~ Julian of Norwich

    I heard a story years ago (and have shared it numerous times when appropriate) about a couple who arrived home with their newly purchased motor home. As they attempted to get it into their driveway, she was directing from outside the vehicle.

    “Honey, do you see the mailbox?” she called out.

    “I see it,” came his reply.

    As he inched closer to the mailbox, she asked again, “Honey, do you see the mailbox?” with a little more urgency.

    “I see the mailbox,” he called back, with minor annoyance developing.

    Inevitably now heading right for it, she yelled, “HONEY, DO YOU SEEEEEEEE THE MAILBOX?”

    “I SEEEEEEEEE THE MAILBOX!” he shouted back.

    CRASH!

    They were looking at two different mailboxes. The mailbox she was watching him bear down on was out of his vision. The mailbox he was carefully avoiding by looking in his mirror was blocked from her vantage point.

    It is not easy when we see things so differently. We may actually be looking at different things.

    Jeanne Robertson tells of a situation with her husband, whom she affectionately refers to as “Left Brain.”

    She asked him to go by the store for her. He grumbled about not wanting to be late for his badminton game. She promised to keep the list short enough he could scoot through the express lane.

    She gave him her list, and off he went.

      1 pound of butter
      2 large bottle of vanilla flavoring
      3 dozen eggs
      4 big tub of lard
      5 5# bag of sugar
      6 5# bag of all-purpose flour
      7 bottle of 7-Up (six pack with handles)

    When he returned from the store, it took Left Brain multiple trips to unload everything —- because he read her numbers on the list as quantities!!!!

    Imagine how long it will take to use 25 pounds of sugar and 30 pounds of flour….

    She had never written numbers on a list before, but she did it this time because the mailbox she was looking at was wanting to be sure he could go through the express lane. Oh, my….

    If you are a person who prays, just add a few extra intentions for all humans to realize our point of view is only ONE way of seeing things, and how important it is to learn from what we cannot see.

    Meanwhile, keep a sense of humor. Especially during difficulties.